Okay, a few comments for Shlimazel.
"Dragon G1 lead the way for her trio": led, not lead.
"The outcry against the Bureau’s actions in the rest of the Federation was unprecedented. People on the street had used camera phones to record the events and upload it to the internet, shortly before Georgia was leveled. Revolution was stirring."
This part is very weak, because you're describing a social & technological phenomenon of 2008. Camera phones? The internet? The story is set somewhere around 4000 AD, and just as we don't use donkeys to travel long distances, people in 2000 years won't be using "camera phones" nor "the internet".
"Suddenly, as the marines advanced down the central corridor, fragmentation mines went off on the ground!"
This sentence is an example of something that one shouldn't do (I'm sure there are plenty of instances in ARPIA2 where I did that, but I wasn't as versed in writing techniques back then).
The use of "suddenly", "then", all these words, is to be avoided. They work when you're telling a story, but when writing it, they should never be used.
Because you want the reader to feel the suddenness, not to read it. It's linked to the golden "show, don't tell" rule.
At least, that's how I learnt it, but I can't find a single "golden reference" to the use of "suddenly". Here's one close match, and here's another one, which also mentions the fact that exclamation marks should be avoided.
“Roger that, Lt."
Abbreviations should be avoided in novels. I'd go so far as to say that abbreviations should be only used in technical writings where you know everyone else uses the abbreviations in writing.
Here, it's a work of fiction, and you don't want your reader to go looking for "lt" in a dictionary.
I know, one can safely assume that most people on AmbrosiaSW.com know that "lt" is Lieutenant, but it looks weird in any event. Especially in a dialogue.
In general, your story is very fast-paced, and you write very well the action sequences (in my opinion). As a reader, however, I did not feel engaged by your characters. I was watching a fast documentary with anonymous faces. That is a problem, because the reader watches events unfold without knowing who does what.
zapp, in your story, you have characters who seem more real, though you jump back and forth between points of view, often for little reason.
Shlimazel, you jump less back and forth between points of view, but your characters are faceless.
I reckon you could both improve that a little and you'd have very nice pieces in your hands.