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Whats the difference between a confederate and a mudsucker? One's a disgusting, lime-eating bottom-feeder and the other one's a fish.
Whats the difference between a Fed and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking your blood at one point or another.
A rebel private is in a hospital, and he says to his wife, "Go get General Coram" because he is sick with the Torgo Virus, and he knows he is bound to die. "Honey, you're losing your memory. Coram is the CONFEDERATE General." "Why should I make General Farkay sick?"
How do they do the medical test for the confederate army? 2 doctors stand on each side of the recruit. One shines a flashlight in his ear. If they can see each other, YOU'RE IN!!!
A confederate who is on leave goes into a hardware store to buy a chainsaw. He says to the manager, "I've got ten big trees in my font lawn, and I need a chainsaw that can cut all of them down in an hour." So the attendant sells him one. The next day, the fed walks in and says, "HEY! You cheated me! This piece of junk only cut down 1 little tree in an hour!" So the guy takes it, and starts it up to see if there was any problems with the chain. But suddenly, the fed says, "HEY! TURN IT OFF!" So the guy does, and the confederate says, "What was all that noise for?"
Why don't they have cofee breaks on fed ships? They don't have time to re-train them again.
Tow feds are in a doctor's office. One of them is crying, and badly. The other fed says, "Why are you crying? You're representing all of us fed's, you know." "Because... Because... Because I came here for a blood exam and (sniffle, sniffle) they had to cut my pinky! It got all red! And it hurts! I want mommy!" Then, the second fed starts crying too. "Why are YOU (sniffle, sniffle) crying?" "I'm (he wipes some tears from his eyes) here for a urine test!
How do you know when a fed has been using your ship? There's eraser marks on the screen.
The UGE ship for Palshife leaves at 12:30, the ship for Alkaid leaves at 2:00, and the ship for Sol leaves when the big hand is on the 9 and the little hand is on the 5.
How do you make a fed's eyes get red? Stick a laserpointer in his ear.
Two feds walk into the BUNKER and call a round of drinks for everybody. They're really exited, so the barkeep says, "What's the occasion?" "We just finished a puzzle in three months!" says one fed. "That's not a very short time, 'ye know." The other fed replies, "Oh, ignore him. He's just a stupid bartender. WE are scientists. On the box it said "2 to 4 years!"
An old confederate man is crying on the road. a woman comes buy and says, "Why are you crying?" "I'm married to a really hot 22-year old woman." "What's so bad about that?" "I forgot where I live!!!"
And... The grand finale...
In the middle of this post, I start doing a ventriloquist act (remember, this is a joke, it didn't really happen), but then a fed stads up and says, "hey! Cut it out! You've been making rude confederate jokes this whole time!" So I say, "Calm down. they're only jokes." "I ain't talking to you! I'm talking to that funny man on your left knee!
Heh, those are some of the funniest jokes I've heard in a long while :eek:
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hech, hech, hech... (pronounced (hesh, like a the sound of an angry cat) I made 'em up myself! No seriously, I got them from a bunch of jokes I know, and just changed them to confed, kind've like what I did with Luke's. I was seriously considering putting my nasty jokes in there, but I didn't. I don't want my expected Karma-slap to turn into a Karma-NuclearMissileintheface.
Quote
Originally posted by Lyra Engel: **Whats the difference between a Fed and a mosquito? The mosquito stops sucking your blood at one point or another.
An old confederate man is crying on the road. a woman comes buy and says, "Why are you crying?" "I'm married to a really hot 22-year old woman." "What's so bad about that?" "I forgot where I live!!!" **
These are the funniest jokes I've seen in a long time. Very good! hehe
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Originally posted by rebel council: **These are the funniest jokes I've seen in a long time. Very good! hehe
**
Woosh. You must be hard-pressed for humor up in Toronto. They have jokes in Canada?
Note to Lyra : Those were funny jokes!
------------------ CoreyΕ (Cubed) WILL POST FOR FOOD Are you a fan of HHGG? Play the original text adventure (url="http://"http://www.douglasadams.com/creations/infocomjava.html")here(/url)!
Originally posted by coreycubed: **Woosh. You must be hard-pressed for humor up in Toronto. They have jokes in Canada? **
Those jokes were quite funny. Some of the best I've heard in years.
Originally posted by Lyra Engel: I don't want my expected Karma-slap to turn into a Karma-NuclearMissileintheface.;)
Interesting... how are you expecting a karma slap if you haven't registered yet?
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Hmmm... Have you ever heard of a little thing admin's and mods keep called a BLACKLIST?
Originally posted by Lyra Engel: Hmmm... Have you ever heard of a little thing admin's and mods keep called a BLACKLIST?
I doubt they do... what if someone else stole your name again? Granted, they could check, but it doesn't seem likely.
OTE- There won't be any jokes for 3 days! I'll be gone (a retreat camp for the college I'm at), so... I'll have a bucketload of "converted fed jokes" when I get back from all the new people I meet!
Well this place has been goin' down in the dumps lately. You know what that means!
A fed officer named Joe is flying home from work with his friend Mark. He is late, so he starts speeding. After a while, he calls his wife on his new com-link. After he explains to her that he had a bit of extra work to catch up on, he's about to turn off the link when she suddenly says, "Oh yes. Joe dear, they said on the news that there's some crazy hovercraft going the wrong way on the skyway! Do be careful!" "Oh, Martha, the news is always off. There ain't one, theres HUNDREDS of 'em!"
Those 2 fed guys, Joe and Mark, go fishing for the day. They rent a hoverboat and start fishing. After a coupla hours with no luck, they find one spot, about 3 feet wide, where they catch fish by the bucketload. Once they catch the limit, they go back. As they were flying home, Mark says, "Hey, Joe! I just remembered! I marked that spot where all the fish were in the midle of the boat! Now we can always get cheap fish! Ain't I smart?" Joe turns around and yells, "YOU IDIOT! HOW DO YOU KNOW WE"LL GET THE SAME BOAT?"
A couple of weeks later, the same two guys go duck hunting. They get the best equipment, a cloak-o-blind, top-notch lasers, and they rented a champion hunting dog. Joe, the second guy, is determined to shoot just as many ducks as he caught fish. However, after a couple of hours of sitting in the hot sun, they haven't shot anything. Meanwhile, ducks have been flying overhead by the hundred. So Joe gets really angry at Mark. "We haven't caught a single thing! My wife is going to be SO displeased!" "Umm, Joe? How do you know it's my fault?" "BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THROWING THE DARN DOG HIGH ENOUGH!"
Once again, our brave duo is out on vacation together. Their wives haven't come, so Joe decides to flirt to some of the ladies. However, after about 1/2 an hour of hopeless attempts at conversation, he comes back to Mark. "Mark? I know you're supposed to be the dumb one, but how do I get these girls to talk to me?" Mark responds, "Well, my freind Bob got a bunch of ladies by putting a potatoe in his pants." So, naturally, Joe does this. He comes back 10 minutes latere and he says to Mark, "I should have never listened to you! Just the opposite happened! Not ONE came near me!" "Umm, Joe? I meant the FRONT of your pants." (For once, Mark gets the punch line)
OK, I have to give the wife a bit of protection here, so I thought up this one:
A week later, after they've come back from the beach, they're flying to work. Mark says, "Ye know, you should really keep your blinds down, Joe. Last night, I saw you and Martha having CENSORED." Joe replies, "Ha! You always were a fool! Jokes on you, I was over at John's house last night!"
Once again, our heros are on vacation (The feds don't do a lot of work, the b***erds) and they decide to go to that fishing place again. So, after they rent the hoverboat, they somehow find their special spot. They both cast their lines in, and they both get a bite on the first try. Joe's is really big, but Marks is really tiny. Mark almost has his in, and then Joe's fish, which has been running out the line without stopping, suddenly runs out of slack and pulls joe into the water. Mark hastily pulls in his line, gets the hook out, and plops it in the cooler. He then dives in after Joe. As soon as he goes in, he feels him, so he pulls him back into the hoverboat. Mark puts Joe on the floor, and gives him CPR. He immediatly pulls his mouth up and spits out into the water. "Dang!' he says. "That was some BAD coffee he drank this morning!" He then gives Joe a good look and says, "Hey, when Joe fell out, he wasn't wearing a snowflier (modern-day equivilant of the snowmobile) suit!!!
OK, now tht Joe died, it's just Mark left.
A month later, Joe STILL hadn't been found. Mark is so grieved at the loss of his friend, he quits his job and went into the construction buisness. The first day, he is sent to a building with only the beams set in place. During lunchbreak, he and 2 of his new friends are siting on a beam, eating lunch. They're all in crabby moods, 'specially Mark, 'cuz Joe died, so the first guy says, "If I get another turkey samwich, i'll jump off. The second says, "If I get another rueben, I'll jump too." Mark follows suit by saying, "If I get another PBJ, I'll jump off as well." However, luck was not with them, and they all ended up jumping.
At the funeral, the wives of the 1st two guys were crying, but Mark's wife was sitting in a corner with her arms crossed. One of them asks her, "You shameful woman! Why don't you grieve for your husband?" She gave them a dirty look and replied, "Oh, shut the fk up, he packed his own dn lunch!"
OK, now that they're both dead (like all feds should be), this post has served its purpose. Hope that it put a smile on the rebels face and made all the fed's face's turn purple, if not green. In short...
THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, FOLKS!!!
(He exits the stage to tumultous applause)
It's amazing ow low this topic has gotten in one day. Why doesn't everyone want to see these? Hmmm... I may as well...
^bump^
Took me a while to get to 'em...
Hey, those are pretty funny!!!
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Originally posted by Lyra Engel: He packed his own lunch!"
Hee hee, my favorite!
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Originally posted by Mr. Moose: **Any one who has read THHGTG, arguably the funniest book in the universe, knows what fourty two means. Mabey "Rawzer" is the answer to... naw, couldn't be!
Hey, I just read the Guide, so, you're saying that The Ultimate Question is How many Rawzers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?! EUREKA!!!!!
Ah, the antics of Joe and Mark, they'll be imprinted in my mind forever... most unfortunatly. When we die, I believe God lets us all ask one question. Mine will be, "Why'd you make the feds?"
Originally posted by Mr. Moose: **< snip> Arthur then proceeds to pull 6x9 out of the scrabble bag. **
Yes, I know that's not the right question, but it's the closest the book gives.
Originally posted by coreycubed: You must be hard-pressed for humor up in Toronto. They have jokes in Canada?
Jokes in Canada? I should say so - ever heard of the Toronto City Council?
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Originally posted by David Arthur: **Jokes in Canada? I should say so - ever heard of the Toronto City Council?
Sadly, no. But I assume I should? Clarify, please.
Originally posted by David Arthur: **Jokes in Canada? I should say so - ever heard of the Toronto City Council? **
Heh, sounds like Toronto may be having some political problems like the Eugene City Council these days. Luckily, I live across the river in Springfield.