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Prologue Foratj
Once upon a time there was an old legend called the legend of Mammoth. This was in the world of Foratj, a peaceful, big land which was three big islands; Sarjena of desert, Neraj of forest, Iroto of mountains, and in the middle laid a large city called Letara, Letara of air. Letara was the connection between the three islands. On each island there lived a people; The Sarjena´s, the people of godness, The Neraj´s, the people of wildness, The Iroto´s, the people of spirit, and The Letara´s, the people of kindness. In Letara, there lived a young boy named Tali.Tali wasn´t like the other children in Letara -- he liked big adventures and old stories. Tali wanted to see the world. He was tired of helping mom all day.
This day, old Retjav was on a visit. Retjav was an old man who was known for walking around Letara in search of places to sleep on...and in return, he tells wonderful stories about big giants and rainbow water. He´s very kind and is Tali´s best friend.
Tali´s mom was cooking terala´s (Tali´s favorite food) and shouted to Tali, "TALI! Retjav is here!"
"I´m coming mom." Tali came running into the kitchen. "Hi Mr. Retjav. I hope you have good story to tell!"
"Hello Tali, I am going to tell you a story you haven´t heard before." Retjav looked very serious and Tali knew that he had to remember this story in his heart.
"What is the name of it, Retjav?"
"The name of it is the Legend of Mammoth. "Once upon a time ," Retjav stopped with a whispering voice and looked like he didn´t remember what to say "Hmmm, o! Now I know it! Tali, this is a story that has been told by father to son for many, many years, but I do not have any children to tell, so that is why I am telling it to you "
(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 02-16-2002).)
This is the sort of introduction that you could really weave a tale around -- the old storyteller, the intent boy, the simple life...you have the characters and setting with which to weave a fascinating chronicle...
But you need more detail! Tell more about the setting, the characters, and their actions. I would like to know more about Tali's village, what is in it, what Tali sees and experiences in the village during the timeline of this story. I want to hear Retjav's experiences on the way into town -- the inner thoughts he has, the feelings he has. I want to have more information about when Retjav and Tali see each other again -- what are they thinking, what are they doing?
You've got great options with the characters and setting you laid out -- now I want to see more expansion!
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I agree with Gluey. More detail. Have you read the Dragonlance books? In the first one, THe story opens with an old man storytelling scene much like this. It spends about five or so pages just setting the mood, and it makes the story that much more interesting.
Good story, the game should be cool!
------------------ "I believe in the sun, even when it is night. I believe in love, even when I do not feel it. And I believe in God, even when he does not reveal his prescence." -A survivor of the Holocaust
Wow. My net connection is down for one day, and someone sneaks a chronicle in behind me, and then usurps my job! I am furious!
Seriously though, Psychoangel, apart from more detail as both Gluey and Celchu have mentioned, I felt that the story was a bit disjointed when I read it. Just work on both the detail level and the 'flow' a bit more, and this should indeed become a great story. At the moment, it's just got a touch too much of 'All of a Sudden' syndrome.
Nice job. Hope to see more soon!
-Andiyar
------------------ "Any good that I may do here, let me do now, for I may not pass this way again"
Andiyar, is mine almost out?
lol can't wait.
------------------ The answer to life, the universe, and everything is...42.
It'll come whenever theGuleBubble decides to post it.
Hello, it looks like my story was posted at last, I´m not sure what to do with it, maybe someone else could use it, or maybe i´ll make it a game, or a book, or like a flash movie, or...
Good idea GlueBubble, I´ll make some more details.
I wrote some more text telling more about Tali´s dad, and his mom. But I forgot to save, so all I have is a print layin around somewhere :frown:
------------------ "I am a wierd! I am a crazy! I am insane! I am PsycoAngel!"