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This is just the first chapter; I have a lot more. If it gets released I'll submit the other ones. Don't expect this to make sense as a game introduction yet :).
Royalty.
Tathalin pulled the hood of his finely woven elven cloak tighter over his head. His delicate pointed ears wrinkling the dark green cloth, he fingered the golden hem thoughtfully. His face was beautiful even for an elf, with a thin delicate nose and a beardless, fragile chin; but his eyes were the color of cold gray steel. They shone with an inner fire, yet they were dull and opaque, merciless and unforgiving. His thin lips were pressed tightly together into an almost ever-present frown of distaste and arrogance.
His cloak swirling around him, he walked regally down the empty, windblown road; his feet strode smoothly across the rough cobblestones. The decrepit buildings on either side of the road seemed to sag inwards, tired and weary. They moaned with the wind, shutters flapping open and parchments or clothes flying out of poorly fastened windows.
A larger, well-muscled man tramped after the elf, dressed in leather armor with steel trappings. Strapped to his side was a gleaming bastard sword, well-used and well-polished. It had a simple hilt, yet a sapphire rested in its pommel. The handle was wrapped with crinkled and sweat-saturated leather, covering any other decorations. Over his back, the man wore a round metal shield, about half as large as himself. It had a golden, ornate embossing in the center which gleamed in the reflected light of the storm lanterns swinging wildly from hooks over the nearby doorways. He marched in silence, yet he was attentive and alert, his eyes constantly scanning the road ahead and behind him.
Tathalin turned to him and pointed to a nearby inn. Thin fingers of light escaped through the cracks in its worn oaken door, sealed tightly against the wind. The man nodded, and said, Yes, milord. Shall I organize our lodgings here? The elf nodded curtly, and let his human companion pass him. Order food and wine as well, the best they have got, Barinmar.
Of course, milord, the man responded, and opened the heavy door. Stepping in to the comparative warmth of the inn, he held the door open for his lord to pass, bowing his head slightly.
When the door shut with an ominous crash, Barinmar looked up to see the patrons of the inn staring at the companions with disapproval and suspicion. He walked forward to the bar where the innkeeper stood, his sword clanking at his side, as the elf lord seated himself disdainfully in a frayed leather armchair near the fire.
The innkeeper, a small, nervous man with a graying hair and a dirty apron that he was wiping his hands on, came towards Barinmar carrying a scroll and an inkwell. Looking flusteredly around at the resentful patrons, he began in a quiet, meek voice, Welcome, sirs, to the Boars Head Inn. We offer rooms for as long as a week, with food and wine provided twice a day. Single meals are also served at any time of the day, though these are not included in the
Yes, yes, we want the most comfortable room in the inn, with a bed, fireplace, and writing table, and no window. Send us your best food and wine up as well. What is the cost? Barinmar said.
Oh yes, of course, sir...the cost is...6 silvers a night for the room, and 8 coppers for the meal...
Barinmar walked over to Tathalin, and ignoring the silent, sullen guests told him in a low voice, Milord, the innkeeper requests 6 silvers and 8 coppers for the room and meal.
Tathalin reached under his cloak, and after a moment of searching, withdrew the coins and placed them into Barinmars open palm. Barinmar inclined his head and sauntered back to the innkeeper, who was watching intently. Handing him the coins, he pulled over the book and wrote in small, flourishing handwriting "Tathalin Starborn, Lord of Wyrmdrake Keep."
(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 03-07-2002).)
(This message has been edited by llegolas (edited 03-07-2002).)
Back when Coldstone was just released, I remember telling llegolas not to worry, his chronicle would be out within a few weeks. Unfortunately, Gluey has been rather busy lately, so I apologise if I misled you llegolas... but remember, I'm not an official reviwer here.
Anyway, let me welcome you to the 'elite' fraternity of people who currently possess a chronicle (or more) on this webboard. As I've said to everyone, keep on writing, the more the merrier.
Now, firstly the compliments. Your story is well written, you have a definite style that you have kept to, you have created an interesting world and some interesting characters, and it all meshes quite well. Congratulations!
But of course, as with anything and everything any of us will ever do, there is room for improvement. Now I know this is meant to be a first chapter, so I won't go into to much about making it longer. Of course, it could be more detailed, but then you'd just be cruel to me, and edit the next chronicle you have in the queue which is already over ten pages long in AppleWorks. So while detail may be an issue, length of the overall product (as far as I've read) is not, or not at the moment.
Just a note on copyrights.... I wouldn't advise using the name 'Stilgar'. That's liable to get you into trouble with the trustees and family members of Frank Herbert. Same with mithril, the Saul-Zaentz company wouldn't be happy about that. Just keep in mind that these are copyrighted words, and as such they can sue you unless you request permission to use them (and pay for it.)
Apart from that though....as I said, you've managed to capture that most elusive of elements, a story that just meshes well, all of it's elements working together to enhance the effect, rather than feeling piecemeal. Your characters are interesting, the setting sounds good, and you have a good grasp of tone. The language is constant throughout (in terms of style) and as I've said, it all works well together. Well done llegolas!
And of course, if you have any questions or comments regarding my brief review here, drop me a line at andiyar@epitheisterra.com and I'll be more than happy to discuss any concerns you may have, or answer any questions about clarification in my review.
Oh yes.... to those who remember my 'Guide to Writing Fiction' that I mentioned a few months ago.... it's still coming. Rest assured. But owing to the queue at present, plus the fact that it's only a half finished first draft, it won't be out for a while. But you might see some material from (url="http://"http://www.epitheisterra.com/")Epitheisterra(/url) showing up soon....... (/self serving plug)
-Andiyar
------------------ "Any good that I may do here, let me do now, for I may not pass this way again"
I like the Tathalin character. A lot. He seems to be the perect example of Elven arrogance, only deigning to talk to his assistant.
As to Stilgar, the name might get you in trouble. The name may or may not be copyrighted, but by using an uncoomon name already in fiction, you run the risk of filling the reader's minds with preconceptions about the character. These usually destroy your chances of making a character unique.
Good workd, llegolas!
And Ben, I'm still writing something for the Guide to Fiction. I might send it. Sooner. Or later. All depends. And as for your shameless plug...
cough cough Soon = 2 or morer months cough cough
-Robert
------------------ "I believe in the sun, even when it is night. I believe in love, even when I do not feel it. And I believe in God, even when he does not reveal his prescence." -A survivor of the Holocaust
Ok, seems like my biggest problem is the name thing. Could you tell me how to edit it?
Andiyar, sorry about the length of the rest of the story...first I submitted 1 chapter, then the other 14 all in one bunch
If you want you can divide it up.
Thanks for the feedback guys.
------------------ The answer to life, the universe, and everything is...42.
Ok I edited it. The names are fine now. When the other one comes out ill edit that too.
Mithril is now steel, and Stilgar is Barinmar.
Quote
Originally posted by llegolas: **If you want you can divide it up. **
Well, Ben couldn't do jack to any story except his own, even if it was his fervent wish to do otherwise. He's not a moderator. But I know he has ambitions of being the next TomWoozle..
Originally posted by Celchu: **Well, Ben couldn't do jack to any story except his own, even if it was his fervent wish to do otherwise. He's not a moderator. But I know he has ambitions of being the next TomWoozle..;)
**
iDo not!
Hm. Barinmar... interesting name. iLike it! Oh, and it wasn't necessary to make mithril steel, it could have just become silver...... but hey, doesn't matter.
Yes uDo.
Originally posted by Tarnćlion Andiyarus: ** Oh, and it wasn't necessary to make mithril steel, it could have just become silver...... but hey, doesn't matter.
Except that silver is crap in weapoms or armor. This is due to the malleability of silver compared to other metals. So no silver or gold weapons and/or armor in any games! Or I might just have to start another crusade...
Originally posted by Celchu: **Except that silver is crap in weapoms or armor. This is due to the malleability of silver compared to other metals. So no silver or gold weapons and/or armor in any games! Or I might just have to start another crusade...;)
No, actually, the silver in this story isn't a weapon, it's trappings on armor, like decorated epaulets or something. Whilst gold might not be good for weapons, an alloy of silver could technically be used... but I digress. llegolas' use of silver here would be fully justified. And noone except me is allowed to launch crusades.
Well, what i meant with mithril was more of an incredibly hard, light, and rare metal than an ornamental one. So thats why I went with steel; i guess most weapons in that world are still iron I was trying to create an image of a battle-hardened warrior, and not one to wear especially ornamental or superflous armor.
P.S. Is this an ezboard, and if so can I use my password and sn here?
No it's not an ezboard. It's an expertly hacked version of UBB, which is not compatible with any other webboard in existence, at least to my knowledge.
Lol, thanks. And thanks for the LOADS of comments (10)!