Coldstone Chronicles: Story for "Maximus Peacock and the Search for the Infinite P"

This is the introduction for the game I'm producing in Coldstone (as soon as it's out).

Maximus Peacock got out of bed one fine October morning. He pulled on some jeans, and wandered into the bathroom, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Groping around the cupboard he found a pot of hair-gel, and he proceeded to apply it generously to his dark hair. He whistled a cheerful song as he did so, then he happened to glance at his watch.

Realising he was late, Maximus rushed downstairs, pulled on his leather jacket, and set out along the path. The weather was quite warm, and he could hear the tree-frogs as he walked out of the village. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning quickly, he saw a man dressed up as similar to a tribal witch doctor as he'd ever seen.

"Oh, you startled me!" To his amazement, the stranger grinned, and waved his arms around in what looked like a bad case of constipation.

He replied with "Sorry, Maximus." This perplexed him even more; he didn't do thinking this early in the morning. Asking what was probably obvious, he came out with "Do I know you? Are you mistaking me for somebody else?"

The man smiled, totally cool. "No, and no. You are Maximus Peacock, and I am the Funky Boogie Man. Pleased to meet you at last." He held out his hand, but Maximus was too confused to take it. He opted to take the easy way out, and mumbled an excuse to leave.

The strange character jumped quickly in front of him, looking distinctly less in control now. "Wait! There is much I must tell you. It must be now, here..."

"But I have a pressing engagement!"

"It can wait and this can't."

Maximus was starting to get annoyed. Who was thin guy anyway? "Hey. . .I don't know you, You look kinda wierd, . . . You know Mohicans died with punk right? . . .and piercings, 1 or 2, but that many? and in the wierdest places. I don't wanna know where else you got them. Plus you know my name, OK, you could have over heard that, but I have the feeling this isn't where your going to stop. Your name? The word "sad" mean anything to you? HEY! Are you stalking me? coz frankly your beging to freak me out! Anyway I got a lady to meet - if you must know. She'll be very cross. I have to go."

The reply was instant: "She won't be."

Not content with pretending he knew him, the strange man with a painted face and ragged clothes was insulting his judgment. That'd gone too far. In his most patronising voice, he exclaimed:

"Oh, she will, believe me!"

"No, she won't be. The word be, to exist."

"Leave me alone, take your crazy stories to someone else! And what ever you're taking, stop. If your body was designed for such substances it would provide it's own!"

But the man was continuing on his own train of thought:

"To be or not to be, that is the question. Who said that?"

"Shakespeare, King Richard III", Maximus replied, hoping his knowledge of Shakespeare was good enough.

"Aah, a straight answer. At last you are talking to me."

"I answered the question."

"It's a start. Listen, there is not much time. Trust me, you will not be late for your appointment."

"Why should I trust you? Convince me!"

The man waved his staff, and there was a flash. Maximus looked around him, wondering what had changed, but it appeared as if nothing had. Then, someone looking exactly like him walked by.

"Whoa, wait! That's me! How on...?"

"We are in the same place, about 3 minutes ago. Well, to be more presice we were here in 3 minutes, if you count now as now."

Maximus was concentrating on the figure.

"Hey, that really is me! Heya Max!!"

Quickly, the Funky Boogie Man waved the staff again, and the other Maximus vanished.

"You must never meet yourself. That's why I... oh, nevermind. Do you trust me? I promise you will be on time for you meeting."

Maximus felt his gut instinct trying to tell him something. He seldom listened to it, but this was one of those days, and he needed someone to make the decision for him.

"I don't know why, but I believe you."

"Good, then we must hurry. Take the left turn, and I will show you what you need to know when you need it. All you must do now is take the left."

And then he was gone. Once again, Maximus was on his own.

(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 12-31-2001).)

First off, please let me welcome you to the Chronicles board. It's great to see our community expanding like this, and hopefully it will continue to do so in the future.

Now, to the compliments then comments. I must say that, at first glance, I liked your story. Please, don't take offence, but I found it ridiculous. And because it was so silly, it was just likeable. It shows that you have a clever sense of humour, and I think that this could make a very witty, and funny game. I liked your characters and your way of making them talk.

However, there are a few things I think you could change. Mostly, the story seems to be a bit rushed. The ideas are good, but they just need more space to breathe. It's a little bit too 'all-of-a-sudden™' in places, from MP ducking out the street to be confronted by a strange man who dissappears..... just a little bit to rushed. Take your time, pad the different characters and locations out a bit more.

Detail. That's all it really needs, more detail to keep the various pieces of the story from running into each other.

Keep on writing Amorya! Hope to see another one soon!

And as always, if you have any issues with how I have posted here, feel free to send me a email at andiyar@mac.com.

-Andiyar

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"Any good that I may do here, let me do now, for I may not pass this way again"

Very good chronicle, Amorya! I was ready to burst out laughing at any given time.

Sad to say, I have nothing to do but elaborae on what Andiyar already said. (Stop reading these things before me, Ben! :)) Yes, detail. Both Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchet use tons of detail to make absurd characters seem real (almost), and to heighten the effect known as 'funny'. Once again, good work! I'm eagerly anticipating more from you!

Edit: Not to be nit-picking, but 'To be or not to be' is from Hamlet, not Richard III.

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"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." - Muad'Dib

(This message has been edited by Celchu (edited 01-06-2002).)

Quote

Originally posted by Celchu:
**Edit: Not to be nit-picking, but 'To be or not to be' is from Hamlet, not Richard III.
**

that was a deliberate mistake wasnt it?