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Here is the first write up of a game I'd love to do with Coldstone. (Once I buy a Mac, etc, etc.. ) Let me know what you think!
===== Avior's Tear - part 1
 Spasms; racked his weak body - he couldn't breathe! Face down in the wet sand, he managed to turn his head to one side, with the sheer will of survival. As he gasped for breath, the tangy smell of rotten fish filled his opening eyes with tears. He blinked several times until he noticed something, someone, lying beside him, but his vision wouldn't clear.
At first, his numb consciousness couldn't conceive his surroundings. Who was he? What was his name? What had happened to him?
 The; chatter of seagulls filtered through the numbness of his foggy mind, followed by the sensation of gritty, wet sand on his face and a salty taste on his lips. Water lapped at his prone feet while a cool ocean breeze chilled his broken body.
 Another; coughing spasm tore through him and his head started pounding.
 The; body... Who was it? Something in the deep recesses of his worn brain urged him that the answer was an important one, but despite this he closed his eyes. The light hurt. Breathing easier, he felt an overwhelming need to sleep. He did.
 A; primal sound and a pain jarred him to semi-consciousness, his left leg jerked violently.
 A; moan escaped his lips. The pain was intense. Burning.
 He; tried to sit up, but another violent yank ripped away his mustering energy along with his flesh. A violent, menacing growl reached his ears, the gutteral language of wolves.
 They; were feeding, frenzied and fighting for their newfound food. Urgency beckoned him to action, trying to force his near dead limbs to move. Sharp teeth bit into his calf again, but despite his will, his body would not obey him.
 Then; silence.
Fwoom!
The air around him turned hot, but only for a moment. A multitude of yelps, vanishing in the distance, confused him. A pungent odor of burning hide filtered through the smell of rotten fish.
The fuzzy shape in front of his eyes beckoned him: the unknown body. Who was it?
 A; woman...
"Land sakes!" A voice declared. "Stay with me, lad..."
 Suddenly;, his eyesight sharpened and the foggy protection of near death evaporated. The pain from his injuries attacked him without mercy, the saltwater burning through open wounds like fire! He tried to scream, and every weary muscle in his bruised body tensed until he passed out.
 A; warm, wet cloth wiped his face and eyes. As his senses gradually filtered on, he couldn't hear the ocean anymore, or see the looming dark body near his eyes. Instead, a fuzzy, warm glow embraced him. It was a peaceful feeling, but something deep within his mind continued to pick away at his numb veil of protection. It was a memory that wouldn't allow him to languish in peace, an important glimpse that fought against the dullness to be revisited.
He relaxed his fear and allowed himself to peek at it.
A sense of urgency filled him, his heart quickened. Too late, he tried to ignore the painful images, but the dam was broken. The small whispering memory became a roar that immediately filled his mind with the images and sounds of battle.
 He; groaned against them. He didn't want to see them.
 Relentlessly;, they conquered him. He was on the deck of a large sailing vessle, a royal ship designed for battle, and the sun was lowering on the horizon, about to set beyond the peaceful sea. A lone ship was following him, but at a distance.
"Sire!"
He turned. He was on the bridge of the Fair Sea. "What is it, Mydelon?"
 The; short, balding man gulped in air as he tried to calm down enough to speak. "She is waking, Sir! You told me to tell you personally if she showed signs of returning."
"Well done, Healer." First Royal Guardsman Garth Avior of Deltayne turned to his long time friend, Scafe D'Thone, Captain of the Sea. "I will be back in a few moments. Send word if the slavers get close enough to engage."
"Careful of her, Garth." Scafe's grey eyes fixed on him. "I'm serious. You are dealing with forces beyond you, my friend."
"Enough." His tone finished the point. "My mind is made up and she's not going back. As an Officer of the Royal Court, I will speak to the Court on her behalf."
Scafe blinked. "You would risk my ship, the life of my crew... All for an elven female slave?"
"That's right, old friend."
 Scafe; shook his head, but the slightest hint of a smile on his face spoke volumes. Garth could count on him.
 After; a quick grin, he followed Mydelon the healer. In the hold of the ship, Garth saw the elven girl lying in the hammock, a soft, slender arm covering her eyes. Bruises covered her neck, arms, and legs - a dark reminder of what happened at Port Tyyor.
"Are you well, m'lady?" Garth asked softly.
 The; elven girl lowered her arm and her piercing green eyes bore into his soul. He fought the urge to turn away and cursed under his breath. Tales of elvish people hypnotizing children to their deaths, stories told to him as a child, still harbored themselves in the recesses of his mind. He knew they were myth, but his heart was racing despite this knowledge.
He forced a smile. "Are you well?"
"I am..." She didn't blink, "Well."
 Garth; rubbed his suddenly stiff neck. "Good. Mydelon here is a good man. His skills are the best in Deltayne. He will have you back on your feet in no time at all."
"You rescued me." His soul was besieged by her unwavering stare. "And I am an elven slave. You have placed yourself in peril for the likes of me?"
"Yes." He sighed. "Elven or not, slave or not, no woman deserves what those men were doing to you."
"One of them was my master." She replied. Her matter of fact tone bothered him. "He paid much gold for me - the right was his."
"He doesn't own you any longer." Garth replayed the sword stroke that ended her master's life. "No one shall."
"Someone will..."
 Garth;'s brow furrowed. "Do you wish to be a slave? To have those things done to you?"
"It is my lot in life." Her voice was empty of emotion, but her eyes wavered. She was tired, unsure, and obviously affected by what had happened to her. A tear traced along her cheek as he gently touched her arm. "I have been a slave since birth." She recoiled from his touch.
"You are one no longer."
 She; did not speak - only stared at him. A stare he couldn't read, but could easily get lost in.
 Footsteps; rushed up behind him. "Sire!"
"What is it?" He turned, thankful to break away from those haunting eyes.
"Captain Scafe bade me tell you that they are closing on us quickly! And, it appears they have a storm wizard!"
"Tell him I am on my way." Garth turned back to the elven girl. "Sleep. You'll not be a victim again this day, that I promise you."
"I am Caye." She said. "That is my true elven name."
"We will talk again..."
"To know my true name, that is an honor among my people." She told him. "You have shown me more kindness than I have witnessed in my life. My true name is yours."
He gently touched her arm again, this time she did not recoil.
"We will talk again."
She nodded and Garth raced back to the bridge...
(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 11-05-2001).)
Well, here we go again! Another day, another dollar as they say. First off, let me complement you on your first submission to the Chronicles board, Kagi. It's a very nice piece, you have some good plot elements, and some good ideas here. That said, now I get to dissect it ::rubs hands together::
Firstly, the introduction. I like the general idea of what you have written here, but it just seems to me to be a bit incomplete. Yes, when reading:
Quote
Spasms racked his weak body - he couldn't breathe! Face down in the wet sand, he managed to turn his head to one side, with the sheer will of survival.
the reader does get the general idea of what is happening. Already you have managed to convey the idea that the character is on a beach, and has possibly just avoided drowning. However, it might be worthwhile just rewriting it a tad, making the flow a bit smoother. For example:
_ Spasms racking his body, he struggled to breathe, his nose and mouth stoppered up with wet sand. Turning his head he gasped, sucking in great lungfuls of air, driven only by his will to survive._
See what I mean here? You have the idea well, but it just needs to flow a bit more smoothly. Play around a bit with sentence structure and with a thesaurus or other word source, and find something that suits.
The next part, in my opinion, was fairly good. You convey the atmosphere well, the crying of the gulls, the feeling of the breeze, etc. This aspect of the story is well done.
The only part of the story that I can truly say lost me was when what I have previously referred to as the 'all of a sudden' style is brought into play. This is the section where the half conscious woman beside him tells him to stay with her, and then he suddenly has clear vision, and a sharp recollection of the past. it may seem semantic, but to me a half conscious, semi drowned mariner would need to recover before remembering, especially before such sharp images come to mind. That's physiology. What I would suggest is, instead of his vision clarifying, is that he collapses back into unconciousness after hearing the voice, and wakes in a hut near the beach, with his various wounds patched, etc. Something like this:
_ "Land sakes!" A voice declared. "Stay with me, lad..."
He felt a warm, wet cloth wipe his brow and eyes, and caught a brief glimpse of a warm, anxious looking face above him before he surrendered once more to the darkness.
When he awoke once more, he could see dappled shadows playing upon a crude thatched roof above him. He appeared to by lying on a bed of moss and down, his wounds treated with a pungent smelling unction.
His eyes lifted and saw the other person from the beach. Looking upon her in alarm, his vision swept back and he again saw the terrible incidents of only the previous day....... _
Of course, when it is written you would want to add far more detail than that, but I'm sure you get the gist.
The main problem I had with the remainder of the story was your dialogue. Although all of the information the reader wanted is there, it just doesn't.... flow correctly, or not as smoothly as it should. Now, I'm not going to give examples, this critique is long enough already, but just a hint, when writing dialogue, get a friend or family member and read it to them aloud, then ask if they think it sounds like a real person talking. Get several friends together and 'act' out the scene, with each playing a part whilst the others give you their opinions on the other readers sections. Feedback is very useful in writing dialogue.
Overall, I congratulate you, Kagi. You have written a very entertaining story here, and hopefully one that we will see continued in the not too distant future! Well done!
-Andiyar
------------------ "Any good that I may do here, let me do now, for I may not pass this way again"
(Edit: Kagi, Coldstone will actually be released for Windows (eventually!) So you don't need to get a Mac to make a great game! Oh, on second thoughts.... get a Mac anyway /Edit)
(This message has been edited by TarnΔlion Andiyarus (edited 11-05-2001).)
Great points, thanks for taking the time to analyze it so thoroughly. In my weak defense, tho - I did write it rather quickly as an outline for a novel I'm working on - possibly a game in Coldstone! When I write a piece of fiction, I tend to write it rough the first time through so I can get the whole story out. Then polish it later - I know, unorthodox, but hey, that's me.
Thanks again for the great remarks, I will print this out and save it for the rewrite.
Originally posted by -Kagi: **Great points, thanks for taking the time to analyze it so thoroughly. In my weak defense, tho - I did write it rather quickly as an outline for a novel I'm working on - possibly a game in Coldstone!:) When I write a piece of fiction, I tend to write it rough the first time through so I can get the whole story out. Then polish it later - I know, unorthodox, but hey, that's me.
Thanks again for the great remarks, I will print this out and save it for the rewrite.**
1)- You're welcome.
2)- That's actually how I tend to write it too. I plan for a while, figuring out the direction I'm going, character names (these get modified heavily!) and other salient points, such as where I start. Then I tend to write an opening paragraph or several, and look at them. If I don't like them, I try again, but if they're okay, then I keep on going.
Basically when I write I tend to divide my story up into sections, or chapters, each of which is planned individually. Then when I have finished a section, I reread it, keeping my 'to do' list handy, and checking that everything I have wanted to do has been done. If not, I decide whether to rewrite, edit, exclude or include the stuff later.
The beauty of doing it this way is that you can work on various sections either simultaneously or out of order, so long as you clearly know where you are going. For examply, if you've read my Fall of the Nervii story, I wrote the first two parts (which are online) first, then I started the fifth part, wrote the third part, wrote the sixth part, finished the fifth part, and then wrote the fourth part. Confusing? Hell yes, it's tantamount to schizophrenia! You don't know which character you're using, or what has to happen still, or what has happened! That's why I planned it all, I've had too much trouble before.
Looking forward to the rewrite, Kagi. I suppose you'll have to post it again, since you can't edit due to your account problems, and the fact that you submitted it as unregistered. If you'd like, when it's done feel free to email it to me, and I'll read through it again before you post it, maybe even edit it if you'd like!
Great! even though i didnt read it to thoughroly I thought what I did read was great even though I do agree with the comments above, To me it would be nice also to see some coldstone game before I make my own(I need an example to work up to), even though I dont wright novels I'd love to try a game. so once again I say good start and I hope to see it(once coldstones out, only god knows when...j/k)
Very good job, Kagi. I enjoyed most of it. The all-of-a-sudden flashback was a bit too abrubt, though. I was a bit confused, though that may be a result of my reading style (read 6 sentences, eyes glaze over, skip 2 sentences, miss an important detail, if lucky scramble to pick it up the second time around, if not, flunk the test I have on it in a half hour. ) It must be a pain posting with an unregisterd account, especially with a chronicle.
** Originally Kagi : When I write a piece of fiction, I tend to write it rough the first time through so I can get the whole story out. Then polish it later - I know, unorthodox, but hey, that's me.**
MMM, that's true u dont need to write a novel to make a game( might be fun though) actually I have a rather long idea thats not typed but it's in my head(though it might be a little crazy..). I hope to write it soon...also, how you get registered for msg boards? plz respond
PS I might even post my intro to my story(if I ever actually write a screenplay)
Originally posted by NSS_Nick: also, how you get registered for msg boards? plz respond
Well, you see that button up there labeled "post reply"? Go down and to the left and click on the "register" link. Fill out the info and start posting!
------------------ We tell stories of heroes to remind ourselves that we too can be great.
Originally posted by Celchu: **Well, you see that button up there labeled "post reply"? Go down and to the left and click on the "register" link. Fill out the info and start posting!
**
Definitely!
------------------ Fortress of Die Nacht: An upcoming game from Aviary Productions. (url="http://"http://www.aviaryproductions.f2s.com/downloads.html")Go take a look!(/url) | (url="http://"http://www.aviaryproductions.f2s.com/fortress/progresslog.html")FoDN Progress Log(/url)
Great story, interesting potential...is there a love story here btw. the main character and the elven slave girl? just curious lol.
------------------ The answer to life, the universe, and everything is...42.