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Ok here goes - hope you all like it:
A History of the Lands Around Arantor
In the year 3741, the beginning of the fourth age, the high queen Ninya arrived with many of her people, the Naryans, to the group of islands east of the mother lands. These islands were discovered by the great mariner, and he named them the Sunlands because they were found in the East where the sun rises.
After the great voyage, Ninya had come at last to the Sunlands. She landed first at the westernmost isle and deemed it good. This isle she named the green isle, because it was blanketed in rich, dense, verdant forest. The fleet then moved on leaving a number of its people on the green isle to populate it. Those people became known as the Erindar (children of nature) and they worshipped Erin (mother nature) and became peerless in knowledge of forests and the power sleeping in them.
...The fleet sailed forth north east across the shallow seas of the Sunlands and came then to another isle...
Sailing round the second isle, the fleet could not find a place to land at first, but then they came to a narrow pass in the rocks and found a wide bay within that was well sheltered by the high hills surrounding the bay, and the queen and her people marvelled at this wonder and they named the isle Greyhaven and a part of her people stayed there to populate the island. They became known as the Arandar (children of the sea) and they worshipped Aran goddess of the oceans and seas. The Arandar were tall and proud, strong mariners and great explorers. They learned to harness the power of the sea and they did it well for many years. However, the hearts of her people were turned east to the rising sun and so they boarded their ships and set sail again.
...The fleet sailed forth east across the shallow seas of the Sunlands and came then at last to another isle, and they beached their ships at dusk and walked onto the island...
It was night. The Naryans walked up the beach and pitched their tents at the edge of the pine forest, which grew from the beach to feet of the grey sloped mountains beyond. Save the sound of the surf, all was silent, the Naryans looked up and beheld as the moon rose above the mountains and the peaks shone silver. And the Naryans thought this place to be very beautiful and they wandered beneath the trees and some found a way through the mountains by mysterious paths. One, whose name was Felanas, went through the mountains and found a beautiful valley inside the circle of peaks and he walked down an old straight track that appears only by moonlight, at last coming to a well at the centre of the valley and he looked into the well and it is said that as he looked into the well, the full moon rose over the grey peaks of the mountains and they shone silver. Felanas saw this in the well, and while gazing in awe, to his wonder, he saw the reflection of the beautiful moon goddess Fohla in the water, but when he looked up a cloud passed over the moon and she disappeared, although a few claim to have seen her walking along the old straight track to the well on a night of the full moon. So they built a shrine nearby and often went to the well to seek the favour of Fohla, the silver lady. The people who remained on that isle ever worshipped Fohla goddess of the moon, and they became enmeshed in the learning of the deep moon magic and were a quiet mysterious people. So the queen named this isle Silverpeak, and that people were called the Darfohlans (meaning moon children).
...The fleet turned south and made a short voyage across the shallow seas of the Sunlands and came then at last to another isle...
This isle was the largest in the Sunlands and there were forests, rivers, mountains, and good lands to farm, and there were hills, and caves with rich veins of ore, and in the centre of this island was a tall blue mountain, tallest of peaks and Ninya, high queen named the island Arantor, which means sea mountain, and Ninya set up residence there and sailed no more, although the other isles were explored by her mariners later.
On Arantor there was peace and prosperity for many a happy year. But not all were content there, for many men of Ninyas people longed to sail to Greyhaven and explore the vast tracts of uncharted ocean with their cousins, the Arandar, and many elves of Ninyas people wanted to go to Silverpeak, the isle of the moon. But some others desired to go further east and find what fate awaited them there, and many of the proud and mighty amongst the Naryans of Arantor wanted lands of their own to rule, resenting the overruling hand of the high queen. So before too long came the exodus of many to the other islands of the Sunlands and the glory of Arantor was diminished.
Of Gem and Midhlin
Of the Naryans who left Arantor, two groups seeked to populate new lands. One group, led by Narlin, were very skilled in the making of precious things from rare and beautiful metals and stones. They had left to seek an island to the south of Arantor that was discovered by the great explorers of the Arandar. Narlin had heard that this isle was very rich in exotic metals and beautiful stones and crystals. Resenting the rule of Ninya, Narlin perceived the wealth and riches he would have if he was to leave Arantor, he sought to escape and set up a majestic and wealthy kingdom on the isle to the south. So Narlin went to Ninya in her halls beneath the blue mountain and told her his designs, but she pleaded with him:
No Narlin, go not I beg thee, for is not Arantor already diminished? Too many good men of this land have left for Greyhaven, and many of the eldar have gone west to their cousins on the green isle, more too to Silver Peak in the North. Then she said, Who will mine the hills? Who will make fine things to adorn this land? But ever after she regretted these last words for Narlin in short replied: So, in truth thou do seek the fruits of mine people for thy own glory, but none shall thou have.
And he stormed out Ninyas halls and none dared to stop him. Then he called to his people and they boarded their ships and sailed south to the island that awaited them there, and they populated it. Their numbers increased and they carved grand halls out of the living rock to dwell in. They mined for gold, and silver, and iron, and mithril, and discovered many other metals there. Soon they were even more skilled in metallurgy and the craft of Alchemy than ever before and the works that they forged in the pits of fire and magma in the bellies of the mountains far matched and exceeded those of their forefathers. Arantor was diminished further in their absence, but Narlin laughed and forsook Ninya, and he called his kingdom Gem, making himself a magnificent crown from an alloy that he had devised himself. He worshipped Urul, god of fire, and his people did the same, so he called them the Uruldar (children of fire).
After this great sundering of kindred, another group, led by Melwyne the fair, left suddenly during the night having heard of an isle in the far east. They arrived there at sunrise and the beautiful, colourful birds of the forest erupted into song of the dawn chorus. The people drank the water of the streams and were refreshed, and they climbed the yellow mountains and were contented. These people became known as the Cirrans, or pure ones, as they lived simple, reserved lives and were somewhat stoic in nature, waking at dawn and watching the sunrise, then drinking the cool spring water. Then, they would walk in the tall yellow mountains where the air was the most wholesome and fresh, and walking through the lush forests singing songs in praise of the sun god Midhe, and walking, eating the fruit from the trees till they came at last to the western shores, where they watched the sun set behind the silhouettes of the Sunlands. That island was named Midhlin, which means sun song and the people worshipped and revered the sun god in their silent and solitary, meditative thoughts.
So Ninya sat on throne in the halls under the blue mountain and learned the full sundering of the Naryans in silent and brooding contemplation. And she realised that she must make peace with Narlin and unite the Sunlands and their peoples somehow. So Ninya called her five most trustworthy and powerful mages to her side, and she gave them even greater power than before, teaching them many things. Then she said to them:
Listen friends. The time has come for me to seize control of each isle and its powers. I have given you many new powers, which you must use to capture the knowledge and mastery of each of the isles and they shall all then be united under Arantor.
And so the five great mages of the Istari went forth as ambassadors to each of the isles around Arantor. Ringil went to the green isle and was welcomed there by the Erindar, who were still loyal to Ninya, and Ringil learned the lore and secrets of forests and nature from the other Istari who lived there. Yet soon these mages could teach him no more, he having the greater power. So he went out into the wild, walking by himself deep into the forests and he discovered many secrets. At last, after many years of learning he gained complete mastery over the powers of the green isle, and the beasts, spirits and even the trees of the forest were under his command. Then he went before the council of the isle and they welcomed, and he told them that by the command of Ninya, high queen, they must yield him mastery and lordship of the realm and they did this quickly without conflict because they knew of his wisdom, influence, and mighty powers, and were still loyal to Ninya.
Meanwhile Thingil, the second great mage, had achieved the same ends on Greyhaven and had mastered the powers, spirits and creatures of the sea. And Rodhinzil, the third great mage had gone to Silverpeak and she had learned in solitude the power of the moon. She delved exceedingly deep into the ancient moon magic of witchcraft and druidry. Eventually, she mastered it and was able to bend it to her will. By this new power Rodhinzil became awesomely powerful and learnt much secret knowledge buried in the depths of time that few had ever known, and few ever will. At last, when come to her full stature she walked the straight track under the full moon and saw there the moon goddess Fohla, and Fohla did not evade her, because perhaps of her knowledge of her secrets, and Fohla approached Rodhinzil and gave her the gift of faydark, the power to raise the full moon during the day causing an eclipse of the sun. This would not only send fear into the hearts of her enemies but would also cause the wercreatures of the night to rise up in full strength and sweep away the evokers enemies like a fistful of leaves. So Rodhinzil, having gained the favour of the silver lady, went at noon the next day to the shrine of Fohla and used faydark, and the moon rose, and it eclipsed the sun darkening the lands. The people of Silverpeak got up and witnessed this spectacle and fearing it was some sign of wrath from Fohla they to the shrine, but a few of the wisest people there, who had some knowledge of the ancient past, knew that this meant that a leader had come to them, for it was said in their lore that when one mastered the arts of druidry, or lunecraft, the moon goddess Fohla would appear to the master and grant them the power of faydark, and so these wiser folks went to the shrine and knelt before Rodhinzil in her full glory, seeing that the time had come, and the rest of the people, observing the gesture of their elders, knelt before Rodhinzil too, and then, suddenly the wercreatures swept up and knelt before her as well. So all on the isle had yielded to Rodhinzil, who became lore master and chief druidess of all the Darfohlans.
Now, the queen had the Green Isle, Greyhaven, and Silverpeak under her dominion, and in the same way she gained sovereignity over Midhlin as well, for Almeynlas the golden, who was the fourth mage had gone there. Almeynlas went forth to the temple of the sun on the east ide of the highest mountain on Midhlin, and held a silent vigil of meditation and worship to Midhe. Many days Almeynlas sat there before, at last, Midhe touched his mind and purified, strengthened it so that he was sharper, with a will more powerful than the hands of the mightiest giant, and more impenetrable than the mightiest wall of adamant, then Midhe hallowed Almeynlas' body giving him vast knowledge and the voice of the mightiest singer, and Almeynlas broke his vigil and rose up with a holy, clear fresh mind and he broke his silence with a song of sunrise and happiness, kinship and devotion. Loud his voice rang through the valleys of Midhlin, and hearing this the Cirrans flocked up to the temple to behold who it was who sung such a mighty song, and they came to the temple and knelt before Almeynlas.
Manilteq the last mage had gone to Gem. He went there in secret and apprenticed himself to the great alchemists, learning all they could teach him, till they could teach him no more. Then, in his hunger for knowledge, he even went to Narlin himself and asked him to teach him further, but Narlin was suspicious of this stranger and refused to teach him his arts, so Manilteq left Narlin's halls seeking to find lore in solitude. Far Manilteq wandered and deep, down down, down into the depths of the Earth where salamanders bathed in pools of lava, and he approached them, calling out to them he asked how they could bathe thus, unscathed. So they told him of a pool far deeper within the earth, where salamanders are born:
"If you plunge into this pool then fire will never harm you" they told him, "though if you do so then the fire elementals might consume you in their wrath, for twas not meant for the likes of thee."
With this knowledge Manilteq descended deeper and deeper into the earth, and he was burnt and scorched, but eventually he found the pool where salamanders are born, and plunged into it, and found that his burns were cured and that heat no longer harmed him, although ever after he partly regretted this as he became wreathed in flame that would not endure one to come too close. The salamanders had been true to their word for soon great spirits of flame issued from below with a great discharge of fumes and steams, but Manilteq was greater than them, and, after a long battle he defeated them, sending them back down to Urul their master, who laughed merrily to see this upstart defeat his servants.
Manilteq descended further until at last he came to the gates of the halls of Urul, the consumer, and the guards blocked his way, but Maniteq smote them back down to their master and Urul laughed even more, taking a liking to Maniteq. He welcomed him into his halls and revealed to him the secrets of the flame. Then Maniteq, with the mastery of fire, rose and returned to the surface of Gem. When the people saw him they gazed in wondre and knelt as to a god, but he continued on to Narlin's halls and demanded that he must yield him the island in the name of Ninya, and Narlin, fearing Maniteq, fled Gem with his ten most loyal followers to the desolate isle which was the seventh island of the Sunlands. Then, having nowhere to turn to Narlin embraced Ul, god of death and shadow, and Ul wreathed Narlin and the ten followers in utter darkness on the other side of light. Narlin became the dark ruler of that isle and Ul gave him terrible phantasmic powers and Narlin dabbled in necromancy learning many evil secrets. Meanwhile, Ninya had become empress of the six isles, the five mages ruling their lands well, and they each created a gem of power, in which they instilled their knowledge, and the complete mastery of the forces they governed, and when they had finished they presented these to Ninya, who devised a greater work that would unite the power of all the gems into one. But in doing this she became overwhelmingly weary, for it was the greatest work ever made, and she died.
At the death of Ninya, the five mages abandoned Arantor and split up, going back to their own isles, leaving Arantor divided. Narlin laughed at these events, and he laughed bitterly, but he greatly desired the gem of Ninya, although no one ever found it and it was somehow kept from him.
The people of the Arantor
The three races of the Naryans that came to Arantor and dwelt there were the humans, elves, and istari. The humans, who were least able -for want of a better word- in mind, were the most successful as a race in the long run, this was mainly due to there ability to adapt quickly to new surroundings, learning new things and changing their ways - and this was itself partly due to to man's mortality, often seen as a weakness, but it allowed a relatively high birth rate and basically meant that because there were more generations of men, humans would generally be adapted better to their situation. So while individual humans might have been lesser in comparison with the elves and istari, a population would have more hope for survival and prosperity. One other thing of notice is that for some reason humans would often make mightier warriors than their immortal counterparts, not through being quicker, more agile or alert because they weren't, but possibly because they had the better mentality for battle. The elves were immortals greater in mind and body than men, tall and fair, elves were not brutishly strong, but extremely agile and virile. Being immortal vessels, the elves would remember times from millenia past and live on if they were not killed, and they knew not of the death of weariness that humans must face, but they would never learn, unwilling to change the ways they used in the days past, so that even if they felt at home on Arantor they were ever brooding times past. The istari were the immortal race of wizards, and the greatest as individuals, tallest, very strong, with exceptionally potent minds, hindered mainly by their low, ever dwindling numbers and by their solitary nature, with an almost nonexistent birth rate. And these people were not impregnable by any means, each one seemed to have some doom layed upon them which plagued them throughout their long lives so that even if they didn't die they might become wrecks, shadows of their former selves. Perhaps it was the temptation to turn their minds and doings to greed which had plagued them, each one with the image of what power they might gain if they opened the door from which there is no return.
Before the Naryans ever set foot on the shores of the Sunlands there were three races dwelling there already, the dwarves, the halflings, and the orcs. The dwarves were skilled artificers, and although short, were strong and hardy. The dwarves were not immortal but they still lived a long time nonetheless, and were very strong willed, proud, and although they were not always 'goodly' and kind it was very difficult to turn them away from what they truly wanted, which was basically to be very rich and endure no losses amongst their own kindred, they would fight stubbornly and bitterly against any who might stand against them be it orc, halfling or elf. The halflings were the shortest, shorter than the dwarves, but they were able minded, very stealthy movers and also agile. Originally a very quiet people who lived peaceful, uneventful lives, the halflings were suddenly attacked by cruel raiding orcs who slaughtered them and stole their belongings. The halflings became forced to act, and change their ways, so they moved from the open valleys to densely wooded forests which both orcs and dwarves came to fear the rumour of, for the halflings had no great love for the dwarves, who had shut out a large group of migrating halflings from their halls when they were attacked by a large host of orcs. The dwarves would not suffer the risk of another people other than themselves to enter the confines of their cavernous halls even in a time of great need such as it was, and so many poor halflings were killed cruelly by the orcs. The halflings have born a grudge ever since and shot dead all dwarves who dared to brave the woods with their keen wooden shafts. The orcs were probably least able as individuals, feeble minded, and not as tall or strong as men, however they were quite hardy and they bred like rabbits, winning battles due to sheer weight of numbers.
The coming of the northmen
Shortly after the death of Ninya, a vast fleet of people from the north landed and settled in Arantor and they called themselves the Palenwe. They were tall and stern with dark hair and grey eyes, they would not say where they had come from for it seemed as if they had fled from some great terror of which they would not speak, they were closest in nature to the Arandar and would often accompany them on their long voyages. One day, a fleet came down with a chill wind from the north and raided the northern towns and havens of Arantor. Their onslaught was deadly, and they would pillage and plunder then steal away the women after cruelly slaughtering the rest. All over Arantor people murmered against the Palenwe, saying that they had brought a curse with them out of the north and soon none would speak with them or have anything to do with them. The Naryans then got an army together to fight off the northern invaders, and there was a long and terrible battle, just when it seemed the Naryans were spent and the northmen were on the brink of victory the Palenwe swept up, a wonder to behold in arms, their long swords were fell, their spears deadly as lightning bolts and their bowmen were skilled and methodical, and they saved the day for the Naryans but still more wars ensued with great losses and the Naryans still would not rally with the Palenwe. On Arantor, six kingdoms formed, one was the kingdom of the Palenwe and was in the north east, one was of the elves of Ninyas following, one was of the dwarves in their halls in the mountains, one was of men who loved the valley and meadow, one was of men who loved swords and ships and tall towers and mighty walls, and one was of the halflings in the forests of old.
(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 12-17-2001).)
One word : paragraphs.
The human eye is best suited for smaller blocks of text. In the huge paragraphs that you have, the eye gets lost and confused. Try to seperate the larger sections into several smaller ones.
Other than that, I apologize, as I have no other comments.
------------------ "Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." - Muad'Dib
OK, first congratulations on getting another Chronicle online. I'm guessingthat this is the one you mentioned a while back as being a bit long....
Now, I'm not going to give a step by step analysis of this one, as I'm rather tired, and it is rather bulky. But I do have a few comments to make. The first, to quote Celchu, is paragraphs. It really is a bit difficult to read in the current formatting, and I, who am a very seasoned reader, was wandering off with the fairies in some sections, only to have to wake up and re-read them.
The next one is a bit trickier..... it has to do with the use of certain words. Now, anyone who has read the Quenta Silmarillion will be able to see a few links here in your style, but that's not the problem. The major one here is your use of words that are present in Tolkien's work. While words such as Istari and Mithril do sound and look good, they are technically registered trademarks of Tolkien's estate. You could actually be taken to court over the use of these words, so I'd just avoid the use of those exact words. Just find another (or make one up!) that has the same effect. You don't really want to fight these people, just ask TSR.
Also, the use of God known as UL.... I'd be careful there too, as that's a David Eddings word, my friend. Just step a bit lightly about words that are made up by people and used in their fiction. It can lead to too much trouble.
Apart from that, and the obvious "tolkienation" in style, there were a few 'all of a sudden moments" like the death of Ninya, and a bit of clichés woven in, but nothing drastic. Overall a decent read, just work on the formatting and change the copyrighted words.
Well done Pad! Hope to see more from you soon!
-Andiyar
------------------ "Any good that I may do here, let me do now, for I may not pass this way again"
He he I was unsure what kind of a welcome this would get. ubt I didn't think I would get shot down in flames so soon.
Only kidding, anyhoo yeah its not really meant to be a great read, its more the coctent that matters, as this is just history stuff I will use to make my plot. As for the Tolkien names: there are quite a few you havn't even noticed, but I can always change them, and the Ul thing was actually made up, didn't know someone had already invented it!
------------------ I love cheddar!!!
Quote
Originally posted by Tarnćlion Andiyarus: Apart from that, and the obvious "tolkienation" in style, there were a few 'all of a sudden moments" like the death of Ninya, and a bit of clichés woven in, but nothing drastic.
It's a history, Andiyar, not a novel. In a history, 'all of a suddens' are perfectly fine. We wil have to continue our crusade elsewhere...
Originally posted by Paddy Perring: ...........As for the Tolkien names: there are quite a few you havn't even noticed, but I can always change them, and the Ul thing was actually made up, didn't know someone had already invented it!
Actually, I noticed that most of the names were definitely influenced by, if not directly lifted from Tolkien's work. i just chose a few outstanding examples and let the rest go, as an 'additional' sort of thing. I'd recommend you do change them in the game, but here, I don't really think you'll be sued. As for UL, it's the capitalised version that belongs to Eddings, but still, I'd be careful. Never know who wants to own which word today, do we.
Originally posted by Celchu: t's a history, Andiyar, not a novel. In a history, 'all of a suddens' are perfectly fine. We wil have to continue our crusade elsewhere...
So sadly true. Have you ever tried to read a history text of any kind for more that you're required to? My God, there's a great deal of jumping around in there! Try Herodotus, for a prime example. As for continueing our quest.... as the resident 'evil' guy here, I solemly swear to hunt out and take vengeance upon all incidences of all-of-a-sudden-ness, except those present in my own texts. May God have mercy on you all....
I hate to say this but you guys (celchu and andiyar) are getting really annoying...
How so, Paddy? If you are referring to our frequent comments and criticisms, then we are only doing what we love. We are both very much into writing and reading (am I right on the seconf, andiyar?), and we like helping other aspiring authors. We don't know everything or even most things about writing, we just try to share what we do know.
If this bothers you, just say so and we will stop criticizing your articles.
If it's something else that's bothering you, please tell.
I appreciate Celchu and Andiyar's critiques of the posted Chronicles -- it encourages better written Chronicles and offers feedback to the writer, which I think is quite important.
Not to mention, it saves me the time-devouring task of doing it myself.
------------------ quitcherbellyachin. --- New Fortress of Die Nacht released! (12/20) (url="http://"http://aviary.damnsw.net")Download it from here!(/url) | | (url="http://"http://aviary.damnsw.net/downloads/dienachtd5.sit")direct download(/url) | | (url="http://"http://aviary.damnsw.net/fortress/progresslog.html")Progress Log (12/20)(/url)
Originally posted by Paddy Perring: ** Only kidding, anyhoo yeah its not really meant to be a great read, its more the coctent that matters, as this is just history stuff I will use to make my plot. As for the Tolkien names: there are quite a few you havn't even noticed, but I can always change them, and the Ul thing was actually made up, didn't know someone had already invented it!
**
I wouldn't worry too much about the clarity, since you say it is the history backdrop.
Hell, just look at Tolkien's Silmarillion -- I'm one of the only people I know who actually read the whole thing.
Originally posted by Paddy Perring: I hate to say this but you guys (celchu and andiyar) are getting really annoying...
I'm sorry to hear that Paddy, and I apologise if I've done anything, on this board or elsewhere, that you take offence to. It's normally my 'policy' to include a mention of this when I post here in the Chronicles forum, but I was so tired last time that I simply forgot. Anyway, if there are any issues you'd like to take up with me, please feel free to email me at andiyar@mac.com. I'd be more than happy to discuss any problems you might have with my conduct here on the boards, or any negative attitude you might perceive me presenting about your chronicle.
Now, the less important part of the post.
Originally posted by Celchu: **We are both very much into writing and reading (am I right on the seconf, andiyar?), and we like helping other aspiring authors. We don't know everything or even most things about writing, we just try to share what we do know. **
Very right, my friend. Only someone who loves reading would (I hope) spend about four thousand dollars on books in a year and a half.
Originally posted by theGlueBubble: I appreciate Celchu and Andiyar's critiques of the posted Chronicles -- it encourages better written Chronicles and offers feedback to the writer, which I think is quite important.
It's always nice to feel appreciated. Seriously though, as Celchu stated above, we only really do it to help people, and because it's something we enjoy doing, and feel we can help others with. If anyone would like me to not critique their chronicles if and when they appear, just let me know and I will refrain from doing so.
Now you know another. I've actually read the Silmarillion six or seven times. It doesn't really make any more sense the more you read it, but it's far more readable then, oh, the Books of Lost Tales for instance. It's actually a very interesting read, especially if you want to know more about Tolkien. But I wouldn't recommend it if you don't really want to feel lost, as in many places the stories within it are very loosely connected.
(This message has been edited by Tarnćlion Andiyarus (edited 12-31-2001).)
First of all this was not intended entirely seriously...but its just the way you say stuff like "we'll have to continue our crusade elsewhere" - It sounds like you mean my work is a lost cause or summin.
Originally posted by Tarnćlion Andiyarus: **Very right, my friend. Only someone who loves reading would (I hope) spend about four thousand dollars on books in a year and a half. **
You'll be pleased to know that I too have lots of books - thousands in my house.
Oh, the crusade? It's just our little reference to 'all-of-a-sudden' moments, our sworn enemy. You know, it's good when the crusade doesn't stop to pillage your story.
Ah, thanks, that makes it all worthwhile.
However you guys can count me out on the Silmarlillion. Uggh, that's boring.
Originally posted by Celchu: ** However you guys can count me out on the Silmarlillion. Uggh, that's boring. **
that probably explains why you dont like my submission