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The old man had always come here, ever since his days in the Marines. He had lost so much in those wars. There was always fighting. No one had thought it would ever stop. Now, after all that, he just sat outside the café on the most distant world he could find, Teft. Formally an Auroran world, now it was just another art of the reestablished UE. There was hope in the galaxy now. Hope that had seemed forever lost all those years ago Chapter I-Boot GET UP RECRUITS!!! Every one jumped out of bed at the Staff Sgt.s screaming. The DIs came running in with their electro-batons hitting anyone who was up to slow. One of those people?was me. tzzEEEET! Why did I join the marines? I thought. Why not fleet? I could have been a pilot. Have been for the last five years!! On our first day in boot camp wed had it drilled into our heads that the marines were the most important force in the fleet. Thats funny. What about the pilots, the navigators, and especially, all those gunners? All right recruits; this is gonna be a nice, easy day. Only a 4 mile run and and a few drills with zero-g fighting. You dont wanna be caught dead by a Rebel Vac-breather, do ya! MOVE OUT!! Rebel vac-breathers were the Rebel vacuum soldiers I had heard about in my time at Avalon Interstellar Tours. They were the elite Rebel shock troops. Basic Training took a full year. Recruits were not allowed to leave to visit anyone under any circumstances. The commanding officer at the Notasian Training Facility on Notas in the Nadir took this rule to the extreme. We werent allowed to leave the base. No drinks, no girls, no fun, no nothing. The CO was insane! We were nearing the end of our year in basic training. I had plans of going to train to become an officer, but my test scores werent high enough. When I went to see the CO about it, he said that maybe I could get in after a few years on the front. A few years? A few years?! Not many enlisted men survived that long on the front. Thats why the Feds had begun drafting people right after I had arrived here. I would have to work hard to live. Our first day training with live ammo has gone terribly wrong. My unit was on the assault course with our assault rifles when we heard a scream. I ran over to where I thought I had heard it and there was Recruit Chuzz. He had three-bullet holes in his chest and another recruit was standing over him his mouth gaping and gun smoking. MEDIC!!, I yelled. Is he dead? asked the recruit who had shot him. Does he look dead? I was pissed. This was gonna get the damn battalion busted. N-n-n-no, he stammered. The medic arrived and pushed me away. As he began to work, there was a gurgle and blood began to flow out of Chuzzs mouth. Chuzzs parents got a letter saying he had bravely died fighting the savage Aurorans. Graduation day had finally come. I was going to join the 3rd Marine Division that was fighting with the 6th group. My ship was the UFS Razorback. Theyd had the hardest fighting in the whole fleet. I was packed and ready to go.
nice and short some sentences that could really have been combined, but good spelling. is there a part two because there was almost zero background on the main character or other characters.
thats all ive got to say, nice work hope to see a part two soon
-split-
------------------ People just dont see it- they want to you to just skate in a skate park. You cant have a pro career in a skate park.
Interesting. Reminds me of Starship Troopers. Bit short, but shows potential.
Cheers, Guapo
------------------ "Quote it, paraphrase it, soak it in peanut oil and set it on fire. I don't mind in the least." - forge Founding Member of WORRPBOITAMPSH (url="http://"http://guapohq.jonpearse.net")GuapoHQ - for all your Guapo needs(/url) (url="http://"http://insanekp.tripod.com")The Insane Klown Posse Website!!!(/url)
One thing sounded a bit off when you mentioned the Notasian Training Facility. I don't think it was neccessary to say "on Notas" and especially not "in the Nadir (system)." Anyone who has played Nova could guess what Notasian meant, and anyone else wouldn't care.
Otherwise, sounds great. Keep it up.
------------------ You know, I was going to let you become part of my most erotic fantasies, but you can just forget it, write it off! I keep thinking there has to be something better out there, because if there wasn't, I'd just curl up in a larval position and weep.
Quote
Originally posted by nicedonkey7: Chuzzs parents got a letter saying he had bravely died fighting the savage Aurorans.
That's a cool little bit. Reminds me of a poem I just read, where a man died in the trenches in WW1 by committing suicide. The poem is about his commander telling the man's mother how he was a brave soldier. It's called "The Hero". Makes you wonder...
------------------ Rage More, Victoria.
Very nice! Rawzer: I have noticed in EV, as well as EVO and in Nova, you're usually given the name of the planet/station as well as that of the system, even when it's obvious (Go to Earth in the Sol system...duh!) One thing: Early on you mention this is part of the "reestablished UE." Later on you claim to be on the UFS Razorback. UE is EVO while UF is Nova. Also I think they're called "Vacuum Soldiers" not Vac-breathers. Pretty good, though!
~Tim ^_^
------------------ "Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted." --Fred Allen
Vac-breathers is slang for Vacuum soldiers.
Good story, although as said before, no detail in the characters whatsoever. I don't even think the main character's name is mentioned. You've got to have some kind of information on your characters.
It also could use a little more overall detail in your environments and places.
------------------ Ie amh thuh ilitterit rietur. Kimi wa baka desu.
CAH: Well, those are for missions. Putting that in a story takes away from it.
Yes, the story: as previously mentioned, detail. You need a ton more detail in characters and setting. The sentences were a bit simple, as well.
I did like the concept, though.
------------------ Man have pity on man