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I'd just like to say where this story is coming from:
I had a creative writing assignment from school. So I chose to write about a guy who has a problem relating to the Odyssey, but I wrote it in such a way that only people who played the game could tell what it was relating to. I couldn't find my final draft, so this is the newest one I have on my hard drive from the class awhile back.
This is my first story to be posted here, I'm not sure if it is right or anything, so I hope I did the right thing.
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It was 2065, Earth time. The tide of the war had turned. The Voinians were attacking a distant planet named Verral Prime, a great beautiful planet. The Earth Government had sent ships to defend it, almost all hope was lost, all UE ships had been destroyed. The only hope left to save the planet lay in the hands of Dash Riprock, who was a fighter pilot and was in deep training with the UE.
On the pleasant morning of 2065, Dash was informed that he must travel to Verral Prime and defend the planet from the Voinians. After getting ready, he jumped into his Lazaris Pod and zoomed off into the atmosphere, destined to Verral Prime.
Upon arriving at Verral Prime, he engaged in harsh combat for weeks, competing and destroying Voinian hulks. One by one the evil Voinian ships were reduced to burnt out wrecks floating through space.
Once done fighting, which lasted weeks, he started the journey home. Unfortunately, a little way after passing Thoso, his ship was attacked by mysterious alien ships buzzing blue flames. He engaged them, he was out numbered 10 to 1. The fight was over in minutes, leaving him with engine failure. The alien ships sped away just as quickly as they had mysteriously appeared. He was forced to land on an ominous planet.
After opening the hatch, he found a completely deserted planet, a rocky and barren world. Upon further searching he discovered the remains of a old abandoned space ship a short distance from his stranded aircraft.
A mixed feeling came through him, to disassemble the abandoned space ship and relocate the parts on his ship or leave immanently and head back to his ship. He picked the first one, oblivious to the threats to mankind.
He quickly disconnected the components and carried them back to his pod. After he finished mounting and connecting the stolen components to his Lazaris, he readied for liftoff. Just as he boarded his pod, he noticed weird creatures slithering towards him at alarming speeds, apparently coming from the ship that he stole components from.
They chased him all the way through to the end of space to a distant nebula. Then, finally, they stopped. He was left, without fuel, drifting through space. Finally, stranded for months, he reached a planet. It was unknown to him, so he made a cautious landing. He discovered that monks lived there and that they were peaceful. After a period of negotiating, discussing the problems at home, wars, evil and such, he and the monks decided to take an ambassador to earth to bring peace and settle distant threats. He was warned of the dangers but stood defiant. The pirates were to attack them.
After leaving the planet of the monks, pirates soon caught up to them and they engaged in combat. The monk was surprised that Dash didn't know about the magic the monk had. So the monk decided to use it to speed up the ship and get out of there. It worked well, they easily out ran the pirates so they stopped chasing them.
After more traveling, they needed to take a quick refueling stop. They stopped at a planet in control of the UE. The UE people were happy to see them, and celebrated. Soon, the monk and Dash were on their way again, to Earth.
As they prepared to enter the atmosphere, the Bush administration tried to shoot them down. As they continued to fly to Washington DC, the Bush administration continued to try to shoot them down, but the attempts were futile to stop peace. They were soon caught off guard, and destroyed.
Upon reaching the president, the monk greeted him with charm, to bring peace. The president agreed and so it happened. Unfortunately, the monk's charm cannot change the whole galaxy and there are many areas of space that remain unexplored, and mankind remains oblivious to all the threats, and opportunities that lurk there...
(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 07-08-2003).)
Nice, but... um, it was a little odd. Not only did it not go into very much detail (which is a shame, as an EV-themed take on the Odyssey is an excellent idea), but it was rather odd. Particularly the part about the Bush Administration. Um, what the hell was that?
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To be blunt: That sucked.
It's nice it was like the Odyssey, but it was just so dull. Your writing style was boring, lacked creativity, and had no poetry.
Sorry if I hurt you feelings.
------------------ Man have pity on man
Quote
Originally posted by Jas86: **...no poetry. **
I mostly agree with you, Jas, except on this point. Well, yes, it did indeed have no poetry whatsoever, but I don't think this is necessarily important. Good stories don't need poetry.
As for this story... yes, it was bad. Sorry. Let me see if I can point out some specifics:
First of all, you need to be more specific. "On the pleasant morning of 2065..." When did years start to have mornings? A date would be nice. Also, try to avoid using "them" and "they" so much. It's okay to repeat the subject. For instance, this sentence is okay, because we are only dealing with one subject: "The alien ships sped away just as quickly as they had mysteriously appeared." This is fine. This is not: "It worked well, they easily out ran the pirates so they stopped chasing them." "They stopped chasing them?" Who is "they?" Who is "them?" It would be easier for the reader if you said, "... the pirates stopped chasing them," even though you already said "the pirates."
Some stuff just didn't make sense. The Bush administration attacking a ship because it was trying to bring peace, and then just agreeing to peace as soon as it landed? Sorry, I'm not buying it.
I could write more, but I don't really want to. Keep practicing, anyone's writing can get better in time.
-Rawzer
------------------ I had a (url="http://"http://forums.evula.com/viewforum.php?f=6")dream(/url) that I had about a (url="http://"http://evula.com")dozen(/url) (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=56&SUBMIT;=Go")links(/url) here. (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=6&SUBMIT;=Go")Mostly(/url) to other (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=20&SUBMIT;=Go")places(/url) on this (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=1")site(/url). (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=10&SUBMIT;=Go")Weird(/url).
Ignore those rabble. They seem to forget that you mentioned this was not the final draft, and is a somewhat older copy. I think that, while the story is a bit rough in places, overall it's not that bad. I love the comment about the Bush administration. That one sentence, to me, is a great bit of political commentary mixed in with the sci-fi story. Damn right! I hope your final draft was a bit more polished and that your teacher gave your a good grade for creativity.
------------------ Dawn of Infinity(formerly OpenEV): the open-source multi-player EV (url="http://"http://openevgalaxy.sourceforge.net")http://openevgalaxy.sourceforge.net(/url)
EVula is slacking off again.
About the politics: Adding a single, solitary line of political rhetoric makes little sense. If a logical political statement was to be made, the entire story being the statement would have been better.
Also remember to not take serious offense to anything we say. We are only trying to help, though some of us are bigger jerks than others (namely me).
Originally posted by Jas86: **Also remember to not take serious offense to anything we say. We are only trying to help, though some of us are bigger jerks than others (namely me).
**
That is true, but sometimes you just have to give your honest oppinion (no matter how crude or mean it may seem)
This group of words, for instance, were put together with very little grammatical skill. The sentences were very "staccato" which means I'm saying they didn't flow together at all. It's like trying to put a circle in a square hole. I suppose I'd have to agree with everyone else's comments, too.
This seems to be written by a very inexperienced writer. If not, then sorry. If so, then keep writing, because you can only get better with practice!
------------------ (url="http://"http://www.usi-rpg.com")www.usi-rpg.com(/url) Tell them Derek Pitt sent you.
Originally posted by Geuis: Ignore those rabble. They seem to forget that you mentioned this was not the final draft, and is a somewhat older copy. I think that, while the story is a bit rough in places, overall it's not that bad.
I kept that in mind when I wrote my comments, but the fact remains that this was an extremely rough version, one that really didn't come that close to matching what it was supposed to be (an EV-ified version of The Odyssey).
Originally posted by Geuis: I love the comment about the Bush administration. That one sentence, to me, is a great bit of political commentary mixed in with the sci-fi story.
Uh, it's a horrible bit of political commentary in the story. Not only does it completely blow the pretense that this was set in the future (a 62 year difference), but it doesn't say jack squat on a deeper level. Not only that, but it's two or three lines; I agree with Jas86 that if you wanted to go with a political comment, the whole story should have been one (which would mean that it wouldn't really be a Odyssey-inspired story). It just came off as blantant Bush-bashing, with no rhyme or reason to it's existence.
Originally posted by Jas86: EVula is slacking off again.
Actually, I just didn't have time to get a story up before I left on my trip to MWNY.
While I wouldn't phrase it like that, it is rather accurate. Sorry.
Hi!
I understand that this is a rough draft, so I guess it's fair to say that your tale reads more like a plot synopsis. These are my impressions of your submission.
A lot happens that really isn't elaborated on; in fact, most of the story isn't elaborated on. For instance, the passage of time isn't really addressed other than with a perfunctory declaration that time is passing. The line, "he engaged in harsh combat for weeks" really doesn't convey the idea that "Dash, perspiration beading on his furrowed brow, narrowly evaded what seemed like a neverending barrage of deadly photon blasts... His whole body trembled with fatigue, and the navigational hazards posed by drifting hulks of dead Voinian attack craft transformed an already dangerous engagement into a terrifying death trap..."
Of course, maybe it didn't happen that way, but how else would a reader know? Likewise, when the protagonist is "stranded for months", we get no insight into what Dash was thinking or doing... For what should be a period of boredom and ennui, the story shrugs it off and jumps right into the next event. There are other such moments where more description could be used to really liven up the story. But because this is a rough draft, these have already been addressed, right?
Also, the way new entities are introduced could use some touch-ups. In your story, it basically goes: Dash fights Voinians and wins, is ambushed by aliens, lands and recovers technology, is chased by pirates, then drifts aimlessly, meets monks, is chased by pirates, escapes due to monk's magic, is ambushed by Bush, and finally, the monk changes Bush's mind.
Reading this plot, I wouldn't be surprised if alien nanorobots or gummibears appear next. So many strange things suddenly appear-- like strange slithering creatures, monks and magic-- in such close proximity (Odyssey or not, sci-fi usually needs some logic)... One might think that humans had explored better? It's true that Dash traveled months in normal space, but then again, hyperspace jumps make large distances seem small... maybe having a small plot device might help emphasize the idea of being far from home: the strange technology Dash pilfered caused the hyperspace generators to malfunction, flinging him into some unknown corner of the universe, and only by his fortuitous meeting with magic-wielding monks, is he able to return back to his home planet? Just a thought...
About the Bush comment... I feel it's sort of like a one-liner drive-by. The only parallel between the real Bush and the one in the story is the perception that Bush is a warmonger... This is a tenuous connection, as many persons can fit the bill. Because the "Bush administration" can just as easily be replaced with the "Mafia" or the "evil pink bunny dictator" without affecting the story at all, I feel it is either a) underdeveloped, or unnecessary.
I'm sorry if this seems like I'm ripping into your story, but since this is a rough draft, perhaps many of my niggling points are no longer relevant. Please understand that I am not attacking you personally; these are just some thoughts I distilled after reading the submission.
In any case, the base of your story has an interesting plot, and kudos to you for submitting your story. I hope you keep on submitting your stories- I'm always fascinated reading other peoples' writing. I get bored of reading my own...
EDIT- Sorry, spelling.
(This message has been edited by Astyanax (edited 07-27-2003).)
Astyanax: Your comment happens to be longer then the story!
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Originally posted by Alvin: **Astyanax: Your comment happens to be longer then the story!
Frankly, this story needs it. Sorry.
Guapo
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I didn't think it was that bad, I mean sure it could be better, but like evula said: a ev article based on the oddysey is an exellent idea. I think your only two weak points were the planet of the monks (a bit corny but nothing serious) and the bush administration. I mean, judjing by the plot of EV wouldn't the whole Earth be united, meaning no more United States. Think about it: UE=United Earth. And say there for some reason there was still a united states, George Bush wouldn't be presedent for 63 years. But that's just me.
(This message has been edited by Alvin (edited 08-01-2003).)
I am still curious, however, what the final draft was like.
As for my previous post... I sort of got carried away.