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(High Orbit, Centauri Beta, ESR Foxfire(Earth Space Republic Ambassadorial Cruiser))
The stars shone with a faint light, they seemed so distant and cold as the starship waited stationary in orbit. Aboard the vessel, the ambassador paced back and forth across the bridge. The cruiser was sill waiting for orders from command back on Earth. The captain appeared at the door, still looking very groggy from his sleep. "What's up people?" The captain asked.
"Still waiting for the order to go in." The ambassador answered tensely, his voice grating. The captain looked at the ambassador, and sighed. "Relax Andrew, this is isn't as bad as it sounds." The ambassador nearly exploded. "The Ellian Confederacy has declared war, their warships are only five systems away with enough weaponry to wipe out humanity forever, and you expect me to relax?!!"
"Sheesh. Lieutenant, take the ambassador to the doc. Tell the doctor to give him a sedative." The captain said. The mainscreen of the bridge faded from the view outside the craft, to that of the familiar face of Admiral Maser. "Captain Kana, you are going in, however, the Ellians are giving no guarantees. We are unable to negotiate escort, you will have to go alone."
The captain cracked his knuckles, Kana was known as someone who wasn't easily riled up. "Lieutenant, carry out the last order." The lieutenant snapped out of his focus on the screen and escorted the nervous wreak of an ambassador off the bridge. Then the captain turned his attention back to the screen. "Nice to see you again Admiral Maser, we are heading in now. Though, I wish we had a better ambassador aboard our ship. Andy is a nervous wreak." The face of the Admiral frowned, "Oh great." he said, with a heavy dose of sarcasm. "The Ellian Confederacy will just squash him, and you. They are rather upset. We need someone with experience to talk them into waiting."
Kana pleaded. "Isn't there someone else?"
"No, the best diplomats we have-the carrier "Prometheus", is currently in the Jal'ian system negotiating a deal with the House Elders. It would take them too long to reach the Ellians. Also, I need you to contact the bases on the colonies on the outer rim. We are experiencing interference and can't reach them. You need to warn them." Then the Admiral paused, and looked down at a console. He looked up with urgency in his face. "Kana, get going, the Ellians are mobilizing, war is starting."
Kana looked amused, "So we are just going to go there and most likely get killed." The screen flickered out once again to the darkness of space. "Navigation, ready to go?" The captain spoke up.
The four engines on the cruiser started up, like silent wind powering the ship forwards and out of the system. A few seconds later, the cruiser was in position for tachyonic conversion. At the call, the converter powered up, causing a pale white glow to steal over the ship. Then in an instant, the converter switched the matter of the ship into tachyonic super light particles, which can travel 12 times faster then light. An instant later for the crew, but four days later for universal time, the cruiser "Foxfire" reconverted back into ordinary matter.
They were now in orbit around Elloam, homeworld to the Ellian Confederacy. Kana called out orders to the crew and the computer. This continued rapid-fire until the captain stopped to scan the situation. They had warped down right next to an Ellian Carrier, the "Stinger" by its signature. The Ellian carrier seemed very suprized, and activated it weapons systems and shields, fighters were beginning to launch from the large bays hanging off the rear end. Then the commlink came alive. "This is Javor, captain of the Stinger, I don't mean to be rude but I don't want to talk while your shields and weapons are fully on, Kana. Besides, you're not in a position to fight right now." Kana watched as three Ellian gunships materialized behind him. His cruiser hadn't been built to deal with enemies from behind.
Kana keyed the comm. "Nice new technology there, since when have you been able to cloak?"
"None of your business. Now, if you are here to negotiate peace then lets take your ambassadors to the surface. " Javor responded.
Kana called up the ambassador, "You are through, get to the docking port. Your going aboard a shuttle down to the surface." The ambassador seemed considerably calmer now. And responded without question. A small fighter approached and docked, the ambassador was taken aboard, and then the craft pulled away.
It was then Kana saw things start to go wrong, the fighter did not go for the planet, instead it headed back to the Stinger. "Hey, what's going on here?" he asked.
A different voice then that of Javor responded. "Kana, this is Lanor Freshian, I am sick and tired of playing games with the Earth Republic. Twice, your warships have attacked us without provocation, twice we were dissuaded with your complicated diplomacy. The Earth Republic has constantly violated our borders. This must stop. Communication between our two governments has ceased. Leave us alone, and there will be peace. Kana, you and your crew are to return to Earth now."
"Lanor, your warships have also attacked ours, why cannot we let these things pass?" Kana responded. Silence greeted him. Kana called out, "Ok so it looks like the ambassador is a lost cause, lets at least warn the colonies," and with that, the cruiser headed out of the system. When they reached the right distance, the cruiser underwent the tachyonic conversion and came up in the NSS-2713 system. Kana called the computer to bring up long range communications broadcast. "Citizens of the Earth Space Republic, the Ellian Confederacy has declared it's hostility towards us. Be prepared to defend yourselves if the war comes. All ESR military outposts in Sectors 5-2-8-10 are to be on full readiness."
For several minutes following, the cruiser sat stationary as Kana pondered what to do next. They were now caught in the middle of a war that they had tried to stop. "Captain, we don't have enough energy in the reactor to make it back." The lieutenant spoke the obvious. Kana sighed. "How much do we have?". "About enough for 20 parsecs." Kana looked at the starchart, "Take us to Rigel, we'll land on the colony there and get the outpost prepared."
"Captain are you sure that's wise? The Ellians are bound to attack it, we are going to get caught up in it. If we stay here we may be safe."
As if to answer his question, several Ellian warships warped out of tachyonic several light seconds away. "Oh dangit, they know where we are!!" A crewmember exclaimed.
The captain came alive, "Weapons on! Get those railguns and missiles flying! Helmsman, get us to Rigel before these goons eliminate us altogether!" The cruiser opened fire on its attackers, the railguns shredding three fighters who weren't in action fast enough. Then several of the Ellian frigates opened fire with neutron missiles. The shields on the cruiser glowed red as the nuclear explosions rocked the hull. "How long till warp?" The captain yelled.
"5 seconds, sir." The helmsman replied. The shields were struggling hard to keep up against the fire, and then the ship warped. A second later, they were in the Rigel system, however, the Ellians had gotten there first, due to their faster tachyonic drives. The Ellian ships swarmed in on the beleaguered cruiser. Kana watched the shields on his ship going down, his heart sank, there was no way out of this one. Then, a small number of ESR Frigates and fighters from the base down on Rigel Prime came into the fray. "Captain Kana, lets get to the surface, its not safe up here anymore." Came a call from one of the frigates. The little band of ESR ships limped back to Rigel Prime, taking and returning fire with the Ellian force.
The small band made it down, and just in time to activate the planets primary anti-space weapons. However, as Kana stepped down out of the cruiser, he knew in his heart that the battle was far from won. Even as a massive Ellian invasion force swept down on that far-flung outpost of the Earth Space Republic.
(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 06-03-2003).)
Kinda cool story, but the writing style leaves a bit to be desired. There are a few sentence fragmentations here and there, and a few too many simple sentences. I also think that there weren't enough details to really describe who was who and what the differences were.
However, those are just my notes about what you could improve upon in the future. I look forward to more stories.
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One thing that I noticed was that everyone seemed to know Kana and they talked like friends. I don't know, that seemed to get me.
But your story did give me an idea for a great story! Thanks!
------------------ (url="http://"http://www.usi-rpg.com")www.usi-rpg.com(/url) Tell them Derek Pitt sent you.
I do hope there is more. It seems rather incomplete by itself.
------------------ Man have pity on man
Not bad. It needs a little more explanation and imagery (possibly some complexity, as well)... Oh, and I haven't heard of anyone being a nervous 'wreak.' I'm guessing you meant wreck. An innocent mistake - just remember for next time.
------------------ I'm not trying to strangle you... this is just an extremely violent neck massage.
Quote
Originally posted by kraftdinnerclone: **Not bad. It needs a little more explanation and imagery (possibly some complexity, as well)... Oh, and I haven't heard of anyone being a nervous 'wreak.' I'm guessing you meant wreck. An innocent mistake - just remember for next time.;)
**
LOL...
Thats funny and i and my english teacher didn't notice it. Shows you how great she is, hehehehehe...
I lack the ablity to write flowing stories, i start one with a great idea, get past the introduction and into the good part and then my mind goes blank. Notice how this story is very lopsided on the first part then speeds up in the later part. I run out of thoughts too fast.
------------------ "Two things are certian in this life. The universe, and human stupidity. ...Though i'm not so sure about the universe."
Originally posted by Skyfox: I lack the ablity to write flowing stories, i start one with a great idea, get past the introduction and into the good part and then my mind goes blank. Notice how this story is very lopsided on the first part then speeds up in the later part. I run out of thoughts too fast.
Suggestion: write out an overview of the story you're writing, specifying what the plot is, major parts of action, characters, etc. Then sit down and write as much as you can for the beginning. When you feel yourself running out of ideas, stop writing altogether. Come back to the story at a later time, perhaps writing something in the middle, or the end. Continue this until you have the entire story written. Revise what you've written if you get stuck; sometimes when you're re-reading what you've written you'll figure out a better way of saying something, and that in turn may get your mind going when it comes to writing more.
Don't think that you have to write it all in a single sitting.
Originally posted by EVula: **Don't think that you have to write it all in a single sitting.
Yeah, that's my style. Get yer own.
------------------ I had a (url="http://"http://forums.evula.com/viewforum.php?f=6")dream(/url) that I had about a (url="http://"http://evula.com")dozen(/url) (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=56&SUBMIT;=Go")links(/url) here. (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=6&SUBMIT;=Go")Mostly(/url) to other (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=20&SUBMIT;=Go")places(/url) on this (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=1")site(/url). (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=10&SUBMIT;=Go")Weird(/url).
(quote)Originally posted by Rawzer: **(
Seriously, though, Skyfox: In many places you used commas where periods would have been more appropriate. Example: (quote) **The Original Version:
"5 seconds, sir." The helmsman replied. The shields were struggling hard to keep up against the fire, and then the ship warped. A second later, they were in the Rigel system, however, the Ellians had gotten there first, due to their faster tachyonic drives. The Ellian ships swarmed in on the beleaguered cruiser. Kana watched the shields on his ship going down, his heart sank, there was no way out of this one. Then, a small number of ESR Frigates and fighters from the base down on Rigel Prime came into the fray. "Captain Kana, lets get to the surface, its not safe up here anymore." Came a call from one of the frigates. The little band of ESR ships limped back to Rigel Prime, taking and returning fire with the Ellian force.(/quote)
(quote) **Slightly Revised Version: ** "5 seconds, sir." The helmsman replied. The shields were struggling hard to keep up against the fire, but they held long enough to get the ship to warp. A second later, they were in the Rigel system .
The Ellians had gotten there first, thanks to their faster tachyonic drives. The Ellian ships swarmed in on the beleaguered cruiser. Kana watched the ravaged shields on his ship going down . His heart sank . There was going to be no way out of this one.
(my suggestion in italics: ) "Captain, sensor contact! ESR ships launching from the Rigel base!" the watch officer shouted. A small number of ESR Frigates and fighters from the base down on Rigel Prime came into the fray.
The overhead speaker crackled. "Captain Kana, this is the Frigate Tenedos! Lets get to the surface ! It's not safe up here anymore ! " The little band of ESR ships limped back to Rigel Prime, trading fire with the Ellian force.(/quote)
Possibly add a few scenes of ships getting blown away, but that's just for the hawks in the audience.
Now, just for the record. Your story is good. All it needs is a word here, a phrase there, a period here. They don't even need to be mine. It just needs that little touch of "werd" to give it what it needs.
Cheers, Guapo edit: I'm not perfect either. Damn. ------------------ "Quote it, paraphrase it, soak it in peanut oil and set it on fire. I don't mind in the least." - forge Founding Member of WORRPBOITAMPSH (url="http://"http://guapohq.jonpearse.net")GuapoHQ - for all your Guapo needs(/url) (url="http://"http://insanekp.tripod.com")The Insane Klown Posse Website!!!(/url)
(This message has been edited by ElGuapo7 (edited 07-30-2003).)