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The 5th Sun
Ch 1. Extraction
Rain. Pouring Rain. Droplets the size of marbles were falling due to the low gravity here on Tyler. We were walking. Fast. As if the Abyss itself had opened up behind us. Past the refitting station, past the spaceport bar, past those horrible slums a kilometer outside the city citadel, into the warehouse district. So dark. Only the dim lights a hundred meters gave us any illumination at all.
"Such as it is... " Areli's muttering was almost lost in the roar of the downpour. His nostrils flared, exhaling, letting his warm breath turn to steam in the cold night air.
Areli muttered to himself a lot. He was like that you know. Of course I knew this because I was his companion, but that wasn't saying much.
"Where are they, Barnabas?" Areli fumed. "Those Guild la'a-sha will be here any moment, and I don't feel up to a dozen-on-one fight...... ugh..... what an accursed planet. If they aren't here in five minutes I'm going to have Leth's head on a pike! I gave him the exact coordinates for my extraction from this wretched world."
"Ah, but if he isn't here in five minutes, it will be you with your head on a pike now won't it," I said, muffled though I was under his soping-wet cloak, trying to sound as sardonic as humanly possible. Damn shame I wasn't human. "Mother of Pearl, even I'm wet, hell I've been drier under a waterfall!"
"Oh shut up, whining won't help anything.... oh damn," he paused. He had that horrible look on his face I had seen on him too many times for the eternity we had known each other. "They're here."
"Leth and the others?" I inquired. I hadn't the faintest idea what was going on since I was veiled behind Areli's thick leather clothing.
"No... them !"
"Let me out! I can't fight when I'm in your smelly robes!"
A trio of hovercars into the alley. Ten dark figures stepped out. Nine brutes and one skinny, tall one by the looks of it.
"Quiet! They're here dammit!"
"We know you're here, Novem Viaje Areli! If you give up now, perhaps Uncle will spare you and only beat you within an inch of your life!" said the thin one.
"Perhaps, perhaps not, Sakarno," Areli replied to the thin figure. He then let me out from under his arm and onto his shoulder. Areli reached for his belt and handed me a pistol which I grasped tightly with my talons. "Ok, give the signal, fly up like you usually do and pick them off. You're as black as night so there's no chance in hell they're going to see you, you can be a distraction so I can take them out."
"But what's the signal, and why do I always have to play second fiddle?" I asked, turning my head in the typical corvine way.
"Uh.... I dunno... because I'm the one who always gets us in messes like these?" He smiled sheepishly.
"What about the signal Areli, the signal?!"
"Oh, right... I'll just give a signal like... sqa'n-na'afinur or something."
"But that's gibberish!"
"No it's not, it's Mnarsalian! Nevermind, here they come. NOW!" I leapt off his shoulder, with the pistol dangling from my claws.
"The idiot," I thought, "he gave me a magnum! I can't aim those things worth two millicredit chips!" Areli turning the corner was unleashing hell on the on the men below. Out of the corner of my eye he had already downed three of the hitmen before fleeing behind a hoverdumpster. Sakarno was doing likewise, shielded firing behind his hovercar door.
With one claw gripping the barrel and the other the trigger I let loose; the recoil literally sent me backwards in flight. "Heaven help those poor Guild bastards."
In a split second, one of the cars burst into flames and then blew up, leaving a meter-deep crater in the wet pavement and scattering the men like toy soldiers before a tanrumy child.
"Areli, that wasn't me! Was that you?" I squawked.
"No! Look up!" Above the clouds began to glow, and I could begin to feel warm from the exhaust of down-canted maneuvering jets. A corvette with the stenciled letters Eleventh Hour emerged from the heavens. It's cannons wrought their wrath on the Guildmen, with thunder and lightning the likes of which even Zeus had never seen. Another car exploded.
The loading port on the front of the ship opened as the ship was hovering not more than a meter above the ground.
"Need a lift?" asked a figure stepping out of the hatch, whose garments looked identical to that of Areli's. He stepped ran out from behind the dumpster, towards the ship as Shin provided cover fire.
As my eyes adjusted I could see it was the face of Shin. A few bullets ricocheted of the hull plating not a decimeter from Shin's torso, another grazed him on the shoulder. "Die you guild Ca'anish lamor s'm'nahat..... LA'KAEDA!" Shin cursed. "No one touches the Great Shin!" Even from this far away, I could see the rage in his eyes as he pulled out his no-dachi sword and preceded to fillet the one who shot him, but cowered back from a hail of gunfire. Ha! The old temperamental Shin, I didn't realize how much I missed his antics these past six months. Two other figures stepped out, Raewyn and Roche, the sisters of death, wielding the forces of psi in their hands. Raewyn shot a fireball and into one of the men's face, while Roche created a barrier that the Guild blasters couldn't penetrate.
"We don't have much time" yelled Shin, "Leth says he can only keep his engines stalling like this for so long." More cars pulled up.
"What are you waiting around for Barnabas?" I landed on Areli's shoulder as the others entered the hatch. Areli took one last look at Tyler, which he never saw again and slammed the door shut. The Eleventh Hour began to lurch and then ascended into the night.
(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 04-28-2003).)
Man, what the hell is this? Don't get me wrong; it was a pretty cool story, and it gave enough details to portray a vivid scene, but it's terribly incomplete. More, dammit!
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Great start. I do hope there is more, much more.
Now get your ass crackin'.
------------------ Man have pity on man
I really enjoyed reading the story, however:
What do the characters look like? I really got confused when you stated that Barnabas was some kind of bird, thing...whatever. And it would help me out if I knew what Areli and Barnabas looked like(ie. physiccal appearance)
What were Areli and Barnabas doing on Tyler? I would have like it if the story had explained what exactly was happening. Why were Areli and Barnabas on Tyler? And why not with the rest of the crew of the Eleventh Hour? This will probably be explained later in the story, but it would have helped me out a lot.
Other than these points, it was an excellent story.
------------------ (url="http://"http://www.usi-rpg.com")www.usi-rpg.com(/url) Tell them Derek Pitt sent you.
(This message has been edited by Spaceiscold (edited 04-29-2003).)
Hey!
I like it when the story is so new and creative. I really like it when the characters are not over done but not underdone either. This could turn out to be a truly incredible story. What are your plans? Are you going to keep the same character as the main point of view or maybe switch around a little? Obviously Scapeiscold has a point but expalining what the people look like can come later. You give just enough detail for a person to get a general idea and thats good. I also look forward to what is to come.
------------------ Death is inevitable... How will you face it? (url="http://"mailto:wolf-sigma@excite.com")mailto:wolf-sigma@excite.com(/url)wolf-sigma@excite.com
Aw, that was awesome! It had perfect amounts of detail, in my opinion. I agree with EVula. More! I crave more!
------------------ I had a dream that I had about a dozen links here. Mostly to other places on this site. Weird.
first of all... i don't know what to DO with this story. what's why i can to you. so YOU can tell me where to go from here.
there are about 10-15 main characters that are all based on people i know.
areli is essentially me.(looks as well as personality) very, very tall, almost 2 meters tall. he is a shepard. clad in leather garb. green eyes. a germanic nose... but dark skin (not like black but like supertan.) areli has only a staff, (and some pistols later on). areli is innocent to any sort of technology, innocent/ignorant to the outside universe (but i'll get to that in later posts).
(this chapter actually takes place somewhere near chapter 27ish, but it's a flashback. because in the beginning he only knows Leth. Shin, Lilo, Raewyn, Roche, Raiden, Nathan, "der Kase," Vicade, Dollarhide, Ulric, Fenneli, Wel, Dar, Pieter, Aeda, Tyrone, Powell, Juel, Panda and Keth come later, plus many more minor characters).
and yes, barnabas is a raven and a sentient one at that. he serves the literary purpose as being Areli's conscience of sorts. ravens are very different from crows, much bigger, much smarter. barnabas is black like a raven but he has a sorta silvery tint to his feathers. (i will provide more info about barnabas in later posts)
all for now... areli
------------------ hey its me desert tempest, long story short i'm areli now.
My suggestions:
1. Narrow down the characters. Most people lose intrest, because you need to make each character dynamic, and thats a lot of writing. Also gets us mere mortals confused about the character differences.
2. You really only need 1-4 main, dynamic characters, the rest can be fairly flat without a negative effect to your story.
Anyway, just suggestions.
Yeah, it was just a tad hazy, but other than that, I'd say...about 8/10.
Keep it coming, this is a perfect beginning, and grabs the interest.
-Jake101
------------------ (url="http://"http://www.geocities.com/doc5587/index.htm")The World of YoungPRer(/url)
well those aren't the main characters obviously. those are the potential characters. the main characters actually are...
areli: well it's obvious who he is... he's me barnabas: raven companion.. acts as areli's conscience leth: a softhearted merc that befriends areli shin: leth and areli's hotheaded, horny companion lilo: a wise, half-hymaeran, antique bookcollecting nun who heals people for a living raewyn: (later on) areli's brief love interest raiden: mysterious fullblood dark hymaeran, rarely serious. cracks alot of funny oneliners roche: raewyn's sister (but i think i want to drop her cuz i dont like her character much)
minor contacts along the way (optional)
ulric: frugal parts dealer. meticulous but still with an air of humor. javaman: smalltime hacker with a caffine addiction nathan: patriotic to the extreme wel: (haven't really gotten to him yet) ariana: an overly tattooed mechanic and parttime translator. bigmouthed and oppionated gon: a notorious (infamous even) softhearted merc. she is surprisingly small in stature
I still thik that is way too many main characters. Half of them are cliched in the first place, and ought to be elminated. This would help you in making your stronger characters more dynamic, and get rid of the boring ones that have been seen so many times before.
If you do keep the talking raven, it would help to explain how exactly he can actually talk.
Hey, clichéd stuff is cool.
------------------ I had a (url="http://"http://forums.evula.com/viewforum.php?f=6")dream(/url) that I had about a (url="http://"http://evula.com")dozen(/url) (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=56&SUBMIT;=Go")links(/url) here. (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=6&SUBMIT;=Go")Mostly(/url) to other (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=20&SUBMIT;=Go")places(/url) on this (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=1")site(/url). (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=10&SUBMIT;=Go")Weird(/url).
I have a lot of characters in my story. (of course they all do; especially when dealing with the 1000+ crew of a Confederation Cruiser) However, most of the characters are so minor, they aren't really important enough to remember. But they do appear in many places. Here's a cast of characters: (I'm not going to tell them all )
===Good Guys=== Harmond Raiken - Protagonist - Captain ==Sub-Characters== Jana Lisé - First Mate Patrick Weinhold - Navigations Officer / Helmsman Santiago Cortez - Chief Engineer Ibram Canden - Gunner
===Bad Guys=== I'm not tellin' yet!
===Neutrals=== Lt. Davis - Military Prison Worker Admiral Wolov - Admiral of Centauri Fleet
(NOTE: Some characters may be subject to minor changes while in the editing stages.)
This is just some of the characters that have or will appear soon. Stay tuned, the exciting end of Chapter 1 will reveal it all!
In my case, I always started with one character who embodied the essential traits I desired for the story. If I wanted a dark story, I would make a sarcastic or quiet person. If I wanted a triumphant story, I made a noble but flawed person. Once I knew my main character, I wrote the story about him or her. When I needed someone else, I came up with that person in relation to my main. Throughout a usual story, I will end up with about 3 main characters and no more than six supporting members. On top of that, I would make sure that the characters were introduced very obviously because if I didn't do that, I'd lose them in the story.
That how I do it anyways...
As for what to do with this story, I would say...rotate identity, like I said above. Also decide if you want good to win or bad to win. Or no one wins. Once you have that...decide whoes gonna die! That's usually fun. When you have all that, just start writing. The story will flow on its own.
ok....
is a big redo in order? the first chapter of the 5th sun actually takes place near the end... and the rest is all a flashback. should i just start from the actual beginning and areli meets people (but not many) along the way?
i already have the second... or rather first chapter almost done so you should see it all posted by the end of the week. now that i think about it roche is dropped... raewyn is now very minor, the cast/crew whatever now is
areli/ barnabas shin leth lilo raiden
by minor characters i meant acquaintances, like say, the Oracle in the matrix. they would only be around for hardly a chapter. raewyn would be around for maybe 5.
areli
Quote
Originally posted by Wolf-sigma: **As for what to do with this story, I would say...rotate identity, like I said above. Also decide if you want good to win or bad to win. Or no one wins. Once you have that...decide whoes gonna die! That's usually fun. When you have all that, just start writing. The story will flow on its own.
**
In my story, there really isn't good or bad people. It's really all just a matter of how you percieve the characters to be, and mainly because the protagonist is Raiken, which makes the antagonists everyone who opposes him.
I'm still writing it, and it should have some nice sequences before its done.
Hot damn. MORE GOD DAMNIT! sorry, i get that way when im into a story that has a sequel.
/me looks at book on the floor.
Anyway, damn that is awsome! on a scale 1-10 i give it a 9. Not much discription of the pepole, but thats good, keeps you guessing.
------------------ -Unreal Centipede ------------------ Need a minor plugin made? Email me! (url="http://"mailto:Unrealcentipede@yahoo.com")mailto:Unrealcentipede@yahoo.com(/url)Unrealcentipede@yahoo.com
sorry y'all but the the sequel(s) will have to wait. i live in oregon and as you all know it is now notorious for its school budget shortfalls, and thus the teachers in an effort to make the most of things are cramming as much work as they possibly can before the end of the year. so in short, you won't be getting the sequel until june 1st or so, if you're unlucky. but neverfear, i shall use this time to refine my story.