EV/EVO Chronicles: Rawzer's Boozerama Adventures

First, an explanation. The EV Web Board has a very popular bar topic right now, the Boozerama Bar NE. The following is a compilation of the first several posts of mine in the topic. The stuff in brackets {} was written by Luke. The posts I made after this point just get weird.


Rawzer bursts in with his purple light saber, over four feet in length, swinging it wildly. Tables, chairs and patrons are vaporized down the middle (then reincarnated seconds later) as Rawzer yells out:
"Time to die, Zorgos King!!! Ahahahahahaha!!!!!"

Rawzer looks around. No guards, no throne, no royal chamber. No Zorgos King. Odd. This place seems to be some kind of restaurant. With some sort of "bar" where drunk people are sitting. Is this a rehabilitation center? No, too much booze. Unless that's part of the program. Rawzer decides to ask the person who seems most important, the least drunk guy behind the "bar."

"Um. Ahem. Excuse me, is this-"
"What? No, I would like to inquire as to what-"
"Uh, no, I want-"
"Jynnan tonix?"
"No!! What is this place?!!"
"This a bar, moron. Beer?"
"No, thanks. Do you have any skim milk?"
"This a bar, you order alcohol here."
"I don't want alcohol, I want milk. Its calcium and vitamin D builds strong bones and teeth."
"That's nice. Have a beer on the house."
"Okay... fine."

Rawzer takes the beer, and uses his force powers to change it into the most delicious glass of skim milk in the galaxy. He offers some to each patron. The milk sobers them up, and changes their minds about the whole sitting-in-a-hole-in-the-ground-and-getting-closer-to-death-by-ingesting-unhealthy-doses-of-poison way of life. They all pay their tab and leave, never to return again. The bartender is heard to say, "Thanks, fudge face."
Only he didn't say fudge.


As Rawzer sits at he bar, thoughtfully sipping his milk, all of a sudden his spider sense starts tingling. He begins to turn around, but before he can do that, his neck gets vaporized by Luke's light saber. That wasn't very nice. Rawzer needed his neck for nerve connections, blood flow, air flow, and for holding up his head. Now that his head was on the bar, he couldn't do much with his body. Just kind of look at it, he guessed. He ordered a pint of Old Janx Spirit. He also asked for a bendy straw. As soon as he started drinking the Spirit, his neck regrew, followed by shoulders, arms, torso, pelvis, and legs, with all organs included. Now he had two bodies, one of which seemed completely useless. He decided to donate it to Richard Nixon. That guy needed a body for his head, and Old Janx doesn't work well on former presidents. He'd get arms if he was lucky. Well, Rawzer decided that he better get going to destroy that Zorgos Empire, but first he changed all the alcohol in the place into that same delectable skim milk, so Luke's patrons would return. Yeah!


{Luke then adds a small Buddhist monastery in the corner of the bar.}

Finally!!! Rawzer has been petitioning for a Buddhist monastery (monastery? or shrine?) to be added. As soon it is added, Rawzer begins to make use of it, praying and chanting and such. But it's a trap!! A cage falls right on the kneeling spot, right where Rawzer is kneeling. "I knew I should've become a non-conformist!" he exclaims, loudly. Well, now that Rawzer is trapped, Luke emerges from the shadows, laughing haughtily and saying...

(Luke's ending) {"Whoops, sorry Rawzer, I meant to put that trap in the Women's bathroom. And there's a shrine in the monastery."

Luke lets Rawzer out of the trap, shoots him, shoots General Rak, gives DB his Nibos beer, and falls through a plot hole.}

(Rawzer's ending 2) "So, turn all of my beer into milk, huh? No one likes milk. They want beer!"
"You're just using the beer to keep control of your customers!"
"No freaking duh, moron. Now you're mine, too. Have a drink on the house! Bwa ha ha ha ha haaaa!!!!!!!"

Rawzer has to admit that he would have been tempted if it had not been for the maniacal laughter.

"No, I've had enough of your lies and trickery!!!"

Rawzer and Luke proceed into a climactic Star Wars-esque light saber fight. Rawzer loses the battle, but achieves a moral victory. Yeah!


As Rawzer sits at the bar sipping his milk, he notices an incredibly hot girl walk in. Wowza.

"Can anyone tell me where the nearest news stand is?"

Every man in the bar stands up, looks down, and quickly sits back down again. Rawzer calmly and cooly gets up, pays his tab, and offers to help this "damsel in distress." Heh.

"Uh, yeah, I can, um, show you."

Rawzer looks rather flustered. The girl laughs. Rawzer leads the way.

"So, what were you doing asking for help in the crummiest bar in the spaceport?" Rawzer has replaced his embarrassment with humorous thoughts. In this way, and usually only this way, he can get his confidence to speak with women.

"It was the nearest place to the entrance."
"Ah." Rawzer fumbled for something else to say. "What do you want from the news stand?"
"News about my father."
"Your father?" Rawzer regained a sense of panic.
"Yes, he's in these peace talks over in Droth."
"Droth? As in the Droth Peace Treaty?"
"That's the only one I know of."
"Well, the only one there I know of that's human would be Dr. Joseph Ackman."
"Yes, that's him. I'm his daughter, Sylvia." She's rich!
"Sylvia, I like that name. I'm Rawzer."
"Rawzer? Is that like a nickname?"
"No, it's alien. I was adopted."
"Neat." She didn't mind that Rawzer was raised by aliens! "Is this the news stand?"
"What?" This didn't seem to fit in the conversation. "Oh, right, the news stand. Yeah. Here you are."
"Thanks." Sylvia planted a kiss on Rawzer's cheek. The embarrassment came rushing back. But he quickly overcame it.
"Hey, will I ever see you again?"
Sylvia wrote something on a piece of paper and gave it to him. "Here's my number. Call me if you want to out sometime."
"Well, what are you doing this weekend?"
"Oh, well, nothing, really."
"Great, do you want to have dinner at the Gilded Truffle with me? Friday at 7?"
"Sure." She smiled. Rawzer loved that smile.
"Well, see you then, I'll be sure not to go on any long trips!"
"See ya." She said "ya!" She's interesting, to top it off! This is going to be the greatest week ever!
As Rawzer is thinking happily, he runs right into a tough pirate type about twice his size. Damn.

(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 05-13-2003).)

Sorry about not getting this up yesterday; aside from the fact that I've been off from work and school the past few days (meaning that when I wake up in the morning, I have literally no clue whatsoever as to what day it is...), I was also out and about until 11 or so, and forgot to do the Chronicles. Whoopsie. 🙂

As for the story, it's not quite what I think when I think of the word "chronicle," but it's still amusing. 🙂

(url="http://"http://www.evula.com/")EVula,(/url) your friendly (url="http://"http://www.evula.com/")self-promoting(/url) EV & EVO Boards/Addon/Newswire/Chronicles moderator
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It was the best dope fantasy that I've read in a while. 😉

Man have pity on man

Not to mention that most (if not all) of it was improv writing. Thanks for the altered compliments. 😄

I had a (url="http://"http://forums.evula.com/viewforum.php?f=6")dream(/url) that I had about a (url="http://"http://evula.com")dozen(/url) (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=56&SUBMIT;=Go")links(/url) here. (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=6&SUBMIT;=Go")Mostly(/url) to other (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=20&SUBMIT;=Go")places(/url) on this (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=1")site(/url). (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=10&SUBMIT;=Go")Weird(/url).


That will be all.

Write your complaints here: O
Please don't write out of the space.

bwaha. 'twas rather funny. 🙂

I'm not trying to strangle you... this is just an extremely violent neck massage.

If I was Ranawa-giloopmachiloofugmwatfei, I would go killing everyone I saw till there was no end in sight. Then when everyone is dead, lord zorgus has to be one of them. Now wasn't that a lot easier than actually looking for zorgus? Now Rawana can go home to his wife and kids...oops never mind, he killed em, wait but then he could live with his parents, op no wait, he killed them too. Ok never mind...nobody cares......I KILLED HECTOR WITH A FORKLIFT!!!! I'm just kidding yall (OR AM I?! MWAA HA HA HA HA) "eats bagel"

Gooey cheese... Mmmmmm...

Tell them Derek Pitt sent you.

I've started an advertising campaign for the Chronicles. I do ask for anyone's assistance in this hopefully successful works.

Man have pity on man

What exactly are you doing? I'll help, but what's going on?

I had a (url="http://"http://forums.evula.com/viewforum.php?f=6")dream(/url) that I had about a (url="http://"http://evula.com")dozen(/url) (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=56&SUBMIT;=Go")links(/url) here. (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=6&SUBMIT;=Go")Mostly(/url) to other (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=20&SUBMIT;=Go")places(/url) on this (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=1")site(/url). (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=10&SUBMIT;=Go")Weird(/url).

I'm just trying to advertise the board so more people show up. It hasn't been going well.

Man have pity on man

That's a good idea, but I kind of like it with just a handfull of people. It's kind of like a club.

Tell them Derek Pitt sent you.