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Prologue The Hinwar and Emalgha have captured Gualon and Romit, respectively. The UE Cruiser is being mass produced. The Battle of Sol was a great defeat for the Voinians. Even more so with the loss of the Dreadnought, and the Voinian economy took a major hit. But they are not to be taken as a dying race, for they had a backup plan, one that could not be ruined by the UE alone...
Ch. 1 The Pathway Opened
The Death Day sailed to the Priat system with routine speed, very unlike the captain's personal taste. But for the moment, I didn't give a darn, UE was paying good money to investigate what the Miranu had just recently invented. My assignment was of course classified, but because my combat rating was unusually high, I thought it would be a mission to destroy a Voinian convoy. Instead, I was sent on a research mission. How boring. My name is DY4, a genetic experiment for intensive combat applications. A group of these genetically enhanced humans were given political rights and more importantly, freedom. DY4 was a unit in this group and was granted individual rights. Now, in his modified UE Fighter, the Death Day , he opened a channel to Station Pybin. "Request landing permission."
The dock master replied, "Permission granted. Land in docking bay 24."
I turned on the autopilot and locked on to the station's tractor beam.
DY4 headed down the hallways in search of a guy named Xive, a widely known Miranu scientist. He was to rendezvous with Xive and escort him to Pareen Station. We met and he loaded a crate of equipment on to my ship, then we headed for Pareen. Even though it was a UE Fighter, I made it bigger to carry a few passengers and some weapons cargo.
As I jumped out of hyperspace into the Core worlds, three Destroyers, one Carrier, and twelve Fighters confronted me. Before I had any chance to think, they hailed me. " Death Day , we will escort you to Luna where you will land and deliver your cargo."
"I was told by UE High Council to take this to Pare-"
"Vice-Admiral D' Erlon and Admiral McPhearson have ordered us to plunder your ship if you do not comply."
I thought about this. The Death Day couldn't take a pounding like this fleet had to offer. "Fine. Changing Course."
My on-loan fleet departed after landing on Luna. A group of cloaked men took the cargo from my ship's hold, some in amazement of my Fighters' modifications. Xive was also taken to a secluded area of the spaceport. I decided to stay in the bar, the only place where a civilian could wait for UE authorization, I intended to complete the task assigned to me. After two hours, I was called to McPhearson's office.
When I entered, his expression was grave. "DY4, long time, no see," his voice with a tad of humor. "Renegades keep you?"
"No," I knew that the Admiral had been a part of the genetic experiment.
"You're probably wondering why you're here."
"In fact, I would."
He cleared his throat. "Two weeks ago, we discovered that some of the Voinian fleets were scarce in some of their outer systems, Dogovor, Gualon, Avann, Grentis, Romit, etc."
"A sign of a massive Voinian build up," I chimed in.
He continued, "The Emalgha haven't been getting many raids either, nor the Hinwar. That's why we sent you out to Station Pybin, to retrieve a nebula penetration device."
"And what's that gonna do?" I asked.
"The Voinian fleets were sighted in other systems, mainly in the North Tip area. Hrekka, Garit, DSN-7078, and north of Kirrim Prime. And when Zachit forces tried to track them down, the Voinians' ships disappeared. The Miranu reported that they had a shipment of NP devices stolen by unknown vessels with very strong armor."
"Voinians," I said. But then I pondered this. "If the Voinians have stolen Miranu technology, they might be tough to beat."
"That's why we're sending you out there, to investigate what plans the Voinians have. Report to Pareen Station to get your ship upgraded. Good luck."
As the Admiral said, technicians were waiting for me at Pareen Station. But what he didn't say was that they'd have tons of Strand equipment. After they were done, I asked how much it was. "On the house,'' the lead outfitter said. I looked at my ship. It was radically different with 2 phase turrets, a plasma siphon, SAE launchers, dospect armor, a phased beamer, phase cannons, and an Azdgari upgrade. Then I thought I was going to need it. Few vessels could go into a Voinian system and make it out alive. I hit my previously installed afterburner and flew of into the stars. My first stop would be DSN-7078...
Ch. 2 Progress Stalled
North Tip Renegades brought my hyperspace journey to a halt. An Arada shot me out into the Sumo system. A Crescent Warship and three Crescent Fighters awaited my arrival. Then I knew it was a trap. I wasn't a coward, the Zachit system was nearby. The Crescent Warship spawned three more Fighters, and I immediately fired a couple of SAEs at these. One was destroyed, but five remained. I locked my phased beamer onto the Warship and fired some more SAEs. It wasn't working, and shields down to 68%, so I decided to use the plasma siphon. But I could not get away from the ships imminent explosion. The Death Day was caught in it, shields down. Five, no four Fighters still swarmed around me. Armor to 43%. I prepared for the worst, for my ship is not equipped with an escape pod. A bright flash, sparks everywhere. Then, no more. I wondered what they were waiting for, because ship's sensors were down. A look outside the cockpit's window revealed a Zachit fleet attacking the Fighters, driving all of them out of the system. I thought to myself and said, "Perhaps today is a good day to die."
I was towed back to Zachit Station. I had been here a few times, and most of the Zacha knew my reputation as a combat mercenary. They were stunned to hear that a trap was implemented on me. They were going to make a strike in my honor, but I held sway. Zacha Verane was there, and wanted to know what I was doing in the North Tip. I told him my situation, and he assembled a fleet of his fastest fighters to accompany me. I accepted, and we were off to DSN-7078. They were surprised a Voinian Frigate was out this far, I was surprised that only one was here. The Death Day , along with one Zachit Arada and five Zachit Fighters, almost made mincemeat out of the Frigate. No consumable weapons gone, I activated the NP device. Instantly, a hyperspace route appeared on the nav computer, I set the path. The rest of the fleet did to. Before we made the hyperspace jump, a swirling vortex appeared. And with that, we jumped into the blinding light...
As planned, our ships were to cloak right when we got out of the jump. Ahead of us was some sort of gate, connected by planets that seemed to be forcefully pushed in place. Also ahead, a Voinian Dreadnought. The sight was terrifying, but it was the only ship in the system. Our plan would be simple, we'd take turns decloaking and attacking the Dreadnought. But somehow, the Dreadnought already knew; and we figured that out by the tons of neutron blasts that seemed to know where we going. "We don't have time for this," I said as I opened a channel to the Zacha. "Units 2,3,4,5, and 6, fire Dispersal Rockets at the closest moon to the Dreadnought. Unit 1, you distract it. I'm going to use the tractor beam to smash the moon into it." It was an impressive display. Five Zachit Fighters firing Dispersal Rockets at a moon while I was forcing it into the massive Dreadnought.
BOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Voinian ship crashed into a planet that emitted the force field that produced the gate. This act destroyed the emitter, resulting in a passageway through the gate. "All right, gentlemen, shall we get going?"
"Hold on a sec." said the pilot of the Z. Arada, the one who distracted the Dreadnought. "Okay, go ahead."
"Now, next system, we do the same thing, but are prepared to jump out immediately." I didn't like the thought of the Voinians being able to see through cloaking devices. Once we were in the next system, we got ready to make a ground assault. New Romit would be the target, and our mission would be to steal any new inventions, designs, weapons, or even a ship. Two other Zacha and I would land, then infiltrate their base while the others patrol the planet. Subduing some guards was the easy part, but taking things from the lab was going to be a lot harder. Despite that, we got most everything there.
But trouble came when a guard stumbled (literately) over one of our Z. Fighters. It lost its cloak, and then we were had. The Zachit whose vessel was found left for the Voinian's hanger for experimental craft. We didn't see him again until we took off into space. But by then, this system's airspace was filled with fighters looking for us. When they did, the other Zachit pilot and I were attacked by dozens of Voinian ships. But one of them started attacking his own ships, until we all knew that he was our lost comrade. As soon as all of us cleared New Romit's gravity field, the hyperspace button on all of our ships never got smashed harder. All of us headed for Earth to report, despite the majority of races.
(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 04-22-2003).)
Yeah, um, the thing is... the story isn't that great. Here are my notes:
Pick how you're going to tell the story, dammit. You shift from third person to first person to third person over and over, and it's really distracting.
"Revenge" has nothing to do with the story, so why is it the title?
Uh, sorry, I'm willing to suspend my disbelief only so much, but just how in the hell did a UE fighter (modified or unmodified) move an entire bloody moon into a ship? The physics boggle the mind...
The end seems really rushed, like you had an idea for it and then never followed through with it. Also, what's the deal with the one pilot saying "hold on... alright"? It doesn't make any sense...
The genetic experiment thing didn't really get explained very well, either... was there a point to it being mentioned?
Sorry if you think I'm ripping into you, but it's to make you a better writer, so grin and bear it.
------------------ (url="http://"http://www.evula.com/")EVula,(/url) your friendly (url="http://"http://www.evula.com/")self-promoting(/url) EV & EVO Boards/Addon/Newswire/Chronicles moderator (url="http://"http://www.evula.com/")evula.com(/url) | (url="http://"http://www.evula.net/")evula.net(/url) | (url="http://"http://www.evula.org/")evula.org(/url) | (url="http://"http://www.ev-nova.net/")ev-nova.net(/url) :: (url="http://"http://forums.evula.com/")Lair Forums(/url) (url="http://"http://pftn.evula.net")pftn(/url) | (url="http://"http://dreamwave.evula.net")dreamwave(/url) | (url="http://"http://davidarthur.evula.net")davidarthur(/url) | (url="http://"http://ucplugs.evula.net")ucplugs(/url) | (url="http://"http://jager.evula.net")jager(/url) | (url="http://"http://stark.evula.net")stark(/url)
Well, EVula got to it first. He picked out most of what I was gonna say...
Anyway, same comments as the above, um... I think.
Good luck and keep on writing!
------------------ (url="http://"http://www.usi-rpg.com")www.usi-rpg.com(/url) Tell them Derek Pitt sent you.
The style of writing kinda bugged me. I'm not sure what I can say about it, but it sounded like you're telling the story around a campfire.
Otherwise, I think you rely on game mechanics too much. "The bar," "shields at 64%, 43%, etc."
EVula pretty much got everything else.
------------------ I had a dream that I had about a dozen links here. Mostly to other places on this site. Weird.
Well...
This would make a great story for a cheat plug...
Even though EV is all about Science Fiction, it must be respected for its somewhat realistic approach. Within the limited mehcanics of the game you have newtronian principles, realistic weapon track, and mass shadow. All of these things are rooted in science. Therefore, in keeping with the beloved name of title, a writer must also be at least somewhat realistic.
Whatever that means...
------------------ Death is inevitable... How will you face it? (url="http://"mailto:wolf-sigma@excite.com")mailto:wolf-sigma@excite.com(/url)wolf-sigma@excite.com
Well, it was an OK story, but it's kinda short. Mine is not out yet, but when I printed it, it was like 15-16 pages long.
Other then that, it was a good story. Is it done?
------------------ That wedge of cheese can't hurt anyone! So don't dread it - it even says not to
Yet again a story without a scrap of emotional, poetic, or artistic devices.
Your story also really sounded like it shouldn't be taken seriously, especially with that stupid, cliched Trek line.
Please don't kill me for being critical.
EVula: How'd it go asking about the rating system?
------------------ Man have pity on man
And one more thing: Dispersal Rockets are useless on armor. Thats why the Dreadnought couldnt have died. They dont even use them, they use Pursuit Missiles.
------------------ I am eager to try to ansver mission questions
Um, I've submitted my story, and waited and waited and waited for days , but it still hasn't been posted yet. How long does it usually take to get your story done?
The Chronicles are updated every Monday. It may (probably will) take several weeks.
Quote
Originally posted by Rawzer: **The Chronicles are updated every Monday. It may (probably will) take several weeks.
**
Probably months now that it's the end of the semester with finals and everything. Patience young disco you will become a Jedi soon enough.
Originally posted by Jas86: EVula: How'd it go asking about the rating system?
It hasn't gone anywhere yet because I haven't asked yet. Sorry, it just hasn't been as much of a priority for me as school has been... I'll try to remember to ask by the end of the week.
Originally posted by disco: Um, I've submitted my story, and waited and waited and waited for days , but it still hasn't been posted yet. How long does it usually take to get your story done?
The EV Chronicles are updated every Monday. Your story is not the only one that has been submitted. Look at the date on this story; it's 3-30-03, and it wasn't released until 4-22-03. There are currently three stories ahead of yours in the queue. Patience is a virtue.
Originally posted by Jas86: Probably months now that it's the end of the semester with finals and everything.
Er, how does that effect his story?
I'm saying it's effecting your effciency.
Wow...How many stories are on the wait list anyways? If you want, EVula, I am a fairly well trained english student and I can proof some stories for you. I am almost done with my finals. It's just a thought...
If your interested, drop me an E-mail.
Yes, I also volunteer myself to be one of your minions. My lack of a life will make me a good worker.
Actually, the schedule of one-per-week is to make sure that I don't run out of stories. I've come close to running out of stories before. If I had a large number of stories that were wating to be released (like there were when I officially took over responsibilites as Chronicle Moderator), I'd certainly release them faster, but this schedule is the only fair schedule for all authors; they have one whole week as the "primary" story, and then they are replaced. I'm not too keen on rushing through half a dozen stories, only giving them a few days in the spotlight, and then run out of stories and have that last story stay up for a couple of weeks.
Edit: Oh, by the way, I just got informed today that my English teacher has nominated me for competition in my school's Freshman Writing Awards (I certainly hope that I win... that $500 first place prize would be quite nice...). I'd say I'm a fairly well trained English student as well.
Thanks for the offers all the same, though. I appreciate it.
(This message has been edited by EVula (edited 04-26-2003).)
Hmmm... Every Monday.
And three stories ahead of mine? Good, I thought there were more. Oh yeah EVula, could you post the one that is the longest of "Escape Velocity Volume One?" I kinda submitted it two or three times . :redface:
Originally posted by disco: And three stories ahead of mine? Good, I thought there were more. Oh yeah EVula, could you post the one that is the longest of "Escape Velocity Volume One?" I kinda submitted it two or three times .:redface:
Sure thing. I'd been meaning to ask which one was the "real" one, but never got around to trying to contact you (since your email isn't listed, the only way for me to get an email to you would be to modify your karma (positive or negative) and then change it back the other way so that you'd still be at 0).