Coldstone Chronicles: Shadows of the Past: Part 5

Abdar awoke to the shuffling of feet. He opened his eyes, and looked about him. It was still night. Judging by the position of the moon, he guess it was about 3 in the morning.

"Who could be up at this hour?" he grumbled. Zhurkan slowly opened his eyes.

"What's going on?" his voice melted off, showing he was still tired.

"I don't know, but whatever it is it isn't good." Abdar looked at the lump of Zhurkan in the bed next to him. "I'm going to go check things out."

"You should go back to sleep," Zhurkan driftily replied, then grumbled something about Abdar always showing off and went to sleep.

Abdar slid out of bed, and opened the door to their room. He peered out in the hall, and saw 4 figures approaching. Abdar knew these figures; they were the 4 magis. He creeped over to his bed and got in, pretending to be asleep. His plan failed, because he accidentally fell back into dreamworld.

Abdar sat up, and rubbed his eyes. He stretched, then remembered what had happened the night before.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and hopped off, still groggy. Abdar walked over to the door, feeling for the door knob.

"What the...," Abdar's voice trailed off as he mumbled under his breath. The door knob didn't exist anymore. Neither did the door, nor the wall. Instead, there were bars. He knew he was still in his room, but there hadn't been bars the night before. He walked over to Zhurkan, and shook him. "Zhurkan, wake up man."

"What do you want now?" Zhurkan's voice let off the hint he was mad. Abdar pointed in the direction of the door. Zhurkan cursed softly.

"We're trapped," He replied.

"I know that, stupid!" Zhurkan shouted. "Let's try to bust out of here." Abdar nodded, although not liking the fact he was being ordered around by him.

They both took a stance, and gripped the bars. They looked like metal bars. Easy to bend for them. They squeezed their fists, expecting the bars to bend and uproot out of the floor. Instead, they found their hands hurt extremely.

"Our's gone!" Abdar trembled. He tried to throw fire at it, but that power was gone too. He ran back and forth, but he had normal speed. "The...magis must have done this."

"What are you talking about?!" Zhurkan glared at him.

"I saw them last night, when we woke up," He was panting. "They were walking down the hall. I was...going to pretend...I was asleep, but then I fell asleep by accident. I think it's a spell. There must be a way to break through it!"Abdar trembled with rage. He had mistrusted them; he shouldn't have trusted them in the first place.

They spent the next hour feeling around walls, the floor, and what they could reach of the ceiling by standing on their beds. Zhurkan finally spoke.

"We're trapped, there's no way out. We're doomed," with that he plopped onto his bed, and sighed heavily. Then surprised Abdar by crying silently.

Abdar stopped moving. He just realized that if he couldn't get out, he couldn't save Glyndir from the Lochdans. Suddenly, his eyes wacked out again. A picture started to form, the same one from when he tripped in the forest. Except this time, there were 2 test tubes. He yelled, and tensed up, and the picture dissolved.

"There has to be a way out!" he screamed. He knelt down on the ground and yelled again. White light surrounded his body, shooting out like lightening bolts in some places. He gripped his head, and the white light finally filled the room, blinding both Zhurkan and Abdar. It seemed to explode, filling all the hallways, all the rooms in the mountain. The magis, too, were surprised, and they shielded their eyes.

The light shrunk back to Abdar, and disappeared. Abdar stood up. He felt the same, but when he tried to shoot a fireball, he did.

"I did it! I broke the spell!" He laughed and bounced around the room, jumping off walls and making dents in them. Zhurkan stood up, stunned, and punched a wall. He had his powers back too. He joined Abdar in his ecstatic bouncing, and the magis walked into the room. The bars had crumbled when the spell broke, and the wall was back, door and all.

"Nice work, you have passed the final test," the one that had been training them smiled.

Abdar stopped bouncing, and was in mid flight. He fell to the floor with a smash. Zhurkan soon joined him, with a second crash. Abdar got up, helping Zhurkan to get out of the crater he had made when he fell.

"You are now ready to continue your journey, and know where you both came from," he added. He prepared to tell them the biggest shock of their lives.

(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 10-21-2002).)

Over all, an interesting read, PinkBunny. You seem to have above average skillz for a twelve year-old; continue to cultivate them. I have two (actually three) things to remark on here, those should be enough to tide you over until next time. 😉


Originally posted by PinkFluffyBunny:
He peered out in the hall, and saw 4 figures approaching. Abdar knew these figures; they were the 4 magis.

This part is an almost-perfect example of word bloat, or the act of using too many words to make a point. While more acceptable in informal writing such as this review, a story such as this will run better and capture more interest the quicker you can say something. In this instance, you can shorten the two sentences to 'He peered into the hall, and saw the four magi approaching,' without losing any of the effect. On a side note, write out all round numbers and numbers lower than one hundred.

The last thing I'd like to say is about conflict resolution. You spend twelve paragraphs building this problem with the lack of powers, and solve it in two (which might be fine, but for the next part). You also do this with little internal or external conflict. Abdar simply gets angry, remembers his friend, and poof! problem solved. I recommend at the least telling how he broke the spell, or why the actions he took broke it.

Keeping writing, and keep these two things in mind; if you work on them, your quality may increase drastically.

Is if evil? Well then, it is evil and yet I do it. - The Crucible, Arthur Miller.

Very very good PinkBunny. I loved it. Though maybe I should've read the parts before it first. Oh well I'll read them next.

What stands before us
today is a meer foreshadow
of tommorow, fight hard or
die trying.

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