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Here's part one of four teasers I'm going to release. I'd like feedback, and if it's good feedback I'll give you thanks in the credits.
Quote
The cream marble squeaked against the rubber of Dansaals boots as he strolled slowly down a winding path in one of the Senate Palaces many gardens. A bead of sweat silently formed on his forehead as waves of humidity washed over him. Pausing at a small fountain to take a mouthful of water, Dansaal realised he was not alone. He could feel an entity, watching him, summing him up and noting every one of his weaknesses. Although security in the palace was generally very good, break-ins were not impossible and an assailant could gain access via the public tours that ran throughout the week.
As he span round, Dansaal quickly snapped into the fighting stance he had been taught as a child; feet balanced at a gentle right angle, resting on the balls of his heels with his fists raised to bloke an oncoming attack. The path he previously been walking along was empty and the tropical fauna around him appeared as undisturbed as it had always been. No assailant was in sight. The thumping of his heart mingled with the soft trickle of the fountain as Dansaal hastily surveyed the surrounding area, whoever was there, they knew how to hide themselves very well.
"Hello brother." Oozed an oh so familiar voice. He knew who it was even before he had turned round. Once again his step brother had proved himself to be a better man than him, in this situation he had had managed to get under Dansaals guard.
"Catarm...I should have known it was you." Sighed Dansaal, although the real threat was gone, you could never be too sure around Catarm.
"Youre getting sloppy these days brother, maybe you should review the last Kata Master Ouyo taught us." Chided Catarm, Dansaals sparring partner in the martial arts lessons they attended twice a week.
"Father has been looking for you." Dansaal ignored his step brothers comments, he didnt want to give him the added satisfaction. "I imagine its about the upcoming council meeting."
"How is the old fool?" Smirked Catarm, "I havent seen him since the last meeting, hes been hiding away with those dusty old bureaucrats he relies on so much."
"You should show more respect, not only is he the head of the Senate, he is our father, and he----"
"He is not my father." The already unpleasant atmosphere seemed to suddenly get heavier as Catarm interrupted. "I warned mother about marrying him, hes a dreamer and exactly what the city doesnt need."
"I would not be so free with your comments, brother." Now it was Dansaals turn to Chide. You may be the next in line for Head Senator, but anyone can be tried for treason."
"Spare me the lecture brother," returned Catarm. "I received the same one from you a few days a go."
"All the same, I think----"
"When I inherit Barlaans position things shall change drastically around here." Catarms motive was becoming clearer and clearer. "The sooner I receive whats due, the sooner the city can move into the future instead of wallowing in the past." they had been meandering down the path, but now, Catarm stopped and turned to Dansaal. "Can I count on your support brother? The coming times will try the whole city, I will need strong men like you." Before Dansaal could reply, Catarm continued. "No. Dont answer now, I cannot burden you with this knowledge. For now, I shall go, I have many things to prepare." Catarm slowly backed away, heading for the exit door to the left of them.
"Brother! Wait!"
"Together we shall form the greatest empire the human race has ever known!"And with that, he was gone.
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(This message has been edited by the Necromicon (edited 12-29-2000).)
(This message has been edited by the Necromicon (edited 12-30-2000).)
Very nice,(becomes picky) but the brother and empire thing thing sound kinda like the movie Gladiator(I think I spelled that wrong), (stops being picky)but it's probably a coincidence. Good story though.
------------------ King? King? And which king might that be? King Richard? King Louie? King Kong? Larry King? ~Nick
Very nice. An unusual twist, making the unpleasant brother better than you.....makes you want to whack him all the more.
------------------ We do not live to work, rather, we work to live. The problem with you is that you keep trying to unscrew the unscrutable. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - (url="http://"http://www.resistancehq.f2s.com") Resistance Web Page (/url)
Cool. I like that. BTW, i'm still Nyros, I registered but haven't gotten my password, and if a name has been reserved, an unregistered person can't use it.
Originally posted by Begemotike: **Very nice.:) An unusual twist, making the unpleasant brother better than you.....makes you want to whack him all the more.
**
Thanks, I wanted to create real tension between the two characters.
uh oh! I'm not hating this unpleasant brother. In fact I kinda like him more than the main character. Is that bad? Oh but you did very good with the details. I wish I could write like that. pout pout Good job, it's very good.
(This message has been edited by Lorenoth (edited 12-29-2000).)
That looks great and I wish you good luck.
------------------ Captain Orne AIM:CaptnG3 ICQ:31162561 Yahoo!:BOrnelasPT
(This message has been edited by Captain Orne (edited 12-30-2000).)
I'm assuming you've gotten some of your inspiration from Roman History? That's what the talk of senators, treason, and empire building remind me of, anyways. If that is part of your aim, I might suggest reading "Letters of the Younger Pliny" (I think Penguin books puts it out) as a possible source of supplemental background... These are actual accounts of the life of a senator in Rome, circa 75-105 AD. It's somewhat dry reading but a really fascinating look into life in those times.
------------------ --You notice that you have been turned into a pile of ashes.
Yeah, I wanted the aristocracy in my game to have a sort of Roman feel, combined with a hint of Shakespearian dialect. I'll have a look at that book, any source material is great and I enjoy reading about classical civilisations anyway.
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To the Necromicon:
I sincerely hope that you will forgive me for nitpicking:
Originally posted by the Necromicon: **Oozed an oh so familiar voice.
Since you're the narrator, you have to consider what kind of narrator you are. I'm not sure whether this line is compatible with the voice that you established in the 2 previous paragraphs
In closing: Good imagery with some well-placed adjectives.
------------------
Originally posted by htjyang: ** Since you're the narrator, you have to consider what kind of narrator you are. I'm not sure whether this line is compatible with the voice that you established in the 2 previous paragraphs **
I did think about that, but I wanted the atmosphere to change when Catarm enters the extract. I was going to use another synonim (sp?) but I thought Oozed summed up his slimey character.
Thank you very much.