Rebellion 5

Edited

The rebels sended a small unit to reach, disable and board Idana. After Jackson made contact with the Rebel control, he returned to the main room, where the convicts and the guards were still fighting. He saw Ychtius, the pirate, on ground, and 2 guards hitting him with their black sticks. Komak was punching a guard. Malakreth had one of the guards sticks and it was hitting a pirate with it. After he knocked down the pirate he was hitting, he turned to Jackson and saw that he did his job. With a smile, Malakreth looked at Komak and said that Jackson had done the mission sucefully. But then, Ychtius had picked up a chair and broke it on Malakreth's left arm.
The guards finally were taking control of the situation. After a few moments, they had arrested the convicts that were fighting. The prisioners were all puted back on their cells and then, the security chief, entered the room. It was a fat small man, with a black moustache. "You stupid bietches!" - screamed the man, while the guards and the medics were taken the death bodys to be throwed into the space - "We have 6 deaths. 6 DEATHS! 4 convicts and 2 guards. Are you happy with this?! There is no food for you today and tomorrow! And the worse is that we need to stay here for a few days, for repairments! You have broken the ventilation sistem, the controls,...Hmpf." -After this he turned to a medic and said -" Check the hurted ones. Take'em to the enfermery."
"Yes, chief Roco." - replyed the medic.

Komak was ok, such as Jackson. They stayed in their cell while they saw Malakreth being taken to the medic, because his left arm was broken. 3 guards were escorting him. They walked through the corridors and finally reached the medic room. There was a big line there. All convicts waiting to be healed. While Malareth was waiting, Jackson was saying to all the rebels inside, that he did his mission and that a rebel unit was coming to save them. "Thank god i gon'na get out'ta here" - said one rebel.
"Woho. The pirates are gon'na stay here and we going home." - said another one. The rebel crowd was happy, jumping and laughing. "Shut up! What about Mike and Hutonik? They died to get us out of here. Stop making fun of the pirates and think 'bout our friends. I mean, our DEATH friends." - said Komak, with a angry face. The rebels looked to the ground, with sadness on their faces.

Finally it was Malakreth turn, to enter the medical office. There was a table with medical thing on it. Near the corner, there was a metalic bed. The medic ordered the hurted rebel, to sit on that bed he saw. The 3 escorting guards were waiting for him outside. The medic looked at Malakreth's arm and saw it was broken. He picked up a thing with a form of a arm. It was a dark white arm. At least it looked like. It was a little device on it. The medic opened the arm and puted it around Malakreth's broken arm. At the beggining it hurted a bit but then, the medic pressed some butons of the device that was on that strange thing. It started having a form of a really arm. "Well, my friend. Don't make too much moviments with this arm. Don't touch my device because it's taking a form of a really arm and it will turn your broken bone into a good one. Now go." - said the medic. The escort guards entered the room and toke Malakreth back to Komak's cell.

52 hours have passed. Inside Idana's bridge: " Sir, we are detecting a small rebellion unit, entering the sistem." - said the Radar officer.
"Damnit. We can't do nothing, the stupid convicts broken down the ship." - said the second comander.
"They jumped in! 2 thunderheads and 1 dragon" - the Radar officer informed. The rebels entered the sistem, and saw the big manticore in front of them. They disabled it easily. They were ready to board the ship when a Vell-os arrow entered the sistem, it didn't attacked the rebels, but he headed to Idana. He boarded the prison ship and maked his energy field, the Vell-osian arrow, dissapear. (They can construct and de-construct, since thei're made of psy energy). The rebels boarded Idana right after him. Inside the rebel cell, they were celebrating. They knew it was the rebels who came to rescue them but then a Vell-os figure appeared in front of them.

What will hapen next? Part 6

This post has been edited by Rebel Klaudyo : 11 June 2005 - 07:40 AM

Keep working on it. The story idea is good. The execution is bad. Very bad. However, I think this is simply lack of practice. Make your stories around 600-800 words. Fill them out.

"Also, when you're writing about conversations in a story, this is the format generally used," the Rebel Colonel pointed out.
"Hit enter and start a new paragraph when someone else talks, too!" suggested a major.

More story, more detail. Work the descriptions in. Search the forums, and look for other stories for formatting or style tips. Memoirs of the Neo-Socialist Enlightenment, Station Six, or even "The Resistance Lives ON!" in the Banter and Brawl forum.

CHeers,
Guapo

So the convicts and the guards were fighting for days? Lot of energy, that.

Work on your spelling. Most word processors will help you with spelling and grammar...what do you write your stories on?

Cheers,
Guapo