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first chron constructive criticisms pls
Smugglers Run. introduction.
The four people sat around a table in the kane band sector forty five spaceport bar looked ordinary enough, but in fact each of them was a wanted criminal. They were smugglers, considered by many Pirate captains as low level criminals not brave enough to take on the actual ships of the Federation and the general public, and considered by Federation captains as an annoyance. But in fact smuggling was a highly prized commodity in certain areas, if you knew the right people. Captain Jack Garrison, a hard core veteran pilot who still smoked tobacco cigars regardless of the health risk, had iron grey hair cut fairly short and a face like stone, hard set and expressionless. This however did not reflect his true personality, he laughed a lot with his crew especially after drinking and was a man willing to give all for his crew and ship. He was kind, but abrupt and to the point, this tended to ward off strangers and the crew teased him about his grumpy face being the reason for slow business in times of hardship. Garrison was the captain of a ship called the Black Hawk, a highly customised and upgraded pirate Valkyre, and leader of the group known only as the Runners which consisted of 3 other people and himself. Fortunately this group knew the right people, which was why right now sitting in the hold of their ship was twenty tons of I.R missiles, on their way to help the terrorist group Armetis based mostly in Auroran space. And the Armetis had paid handsomely for them. Although 20 tons of missiles wasnt a lot, if the Runners were captured by the Federation the Bureau of investigation would without doubt contain them for questioning and the group probably wouldnt leave. The group were in discussion about how to escape undetected from the Sol system. Im telling you. said Jamie Smith chief engineer on board the Valkyre, He was a medium height kid with brown hair, sort of thin but wiry and fairly strong, aged just 22, he was one of the greatest gunners ever, who could hit fighters with 200 ml rail guns if he had the chance just run straight through, even if they do scan us, or recognise the ship, with the afterburners going theyll never catch us. If we do that. retorted Kerry Daniels a loud girl, with Jet black hair and slightly oriental features, she was young, pretty and at 23 she still had a lot of living to do. She was the sensor operator on the ship They might try and stop us in the Alphara system, they could assemble quite a lot of ships in a day. A waitress bustled past, lieutenant Paul Steele, co pilot on board the ship, called her over, the conversation ceased. Can I get a Nibos beer ? he asked in his deep voice. Sure said the waitress looking Steele up and down, taking in his huge muscles and close cropped hair. Paul Steele had been in the Federation military ground forces but couldnt handle the chain of command, and had little respect for authority, so he quit and joined the smuggling crew, looking for a little more excitement. Not that his time in the military hadnt paid off, he had huge muscles and was immensely strong from daily P.T (physical training), the performance enhancers given to the soldiers off record by the military and hours of working out, hiking and marching. Can I get you guys anything else ? asked the waitress Muttered no thanks were the response from the rest of the crew. The waitress after taking Steeles order and assuring him shed be right back moved on. all right said Garrison addressing his crew. Well take off quietly, without too much fuss and then try avoid Fed scans as best we can, Jamie I want you on the Quad L.B.T to deal with nosey Vipers and Anacondas. With that he stood up drained his glass and walked out without another word. The crew paid for their drinks (and Garrisons) and left the bar. They caught up with him at the ship. all right everyone turn in weve got to make an early start tomorrow. Ordered Garrison. Prep the ship for take off, I want us out of here as soon as possible in the morning.
NOTE: this is just an intro to the story to see how people react to my writing style etc. If it's crap and needs serious work then i'll try again and it'll be a while before i post the rest, but if the reaction is good then i'll post the rest soon. R.
Razorback, on Apr 28 2005, 01:57 PM, said:
NOTE: this is just an intro to the story to see how people react to my writing style etc. If it's crap and needs serious work then i'll try again and it'll be a while before i post the rest, but if the reaction is good then i'll post the rest soon. R. View Post
That's pretty cool. I like it a lot. keep writing.
Not bad, but needs work. You need to introduce the characters a bit more gradually, or make it flow with the story better.
Use more paragraphs or line breaks, it'll make the story more easy to read.
Perhaps you could go a bit farther back in time, to when these people are being hired. That way you can compress the background, because the characters themselves don't know yet. The way you've got it now is a bit clumsy.
coolspy: don't need to quote the whole thing. We can read it.
Cheers, Guapo
This post has been edited by ElGuapo7 : 08 May 2005 - 02:40 PM