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This is my first short story on the EV subject, so I hope you like it!! Don't mind what you say about it, so feel free to comment. I hope an EV Nova subject is ok, as I've only ever seen EV or EVO stories here. MoSsY
Crystal waves sigh onto the sands, gently caressing the beach before sweeping slowly back out. Fiery clouds burn from the light of the setting sun, the green and violent orbs of the moons slowly swinging across the twilight sky. Evening calls from insects echo across the sandy dunes and slowly circling birds drift lazily towards their nests upon the cliff-side. A few meters from the waters edge, Jphala sat before a small fire, staring deeply into the flickering flames. His mind was totally relaxed as twilight gradually darkened into night, the sun setting below the horizon, and the twin moons reaching dominance among the diamond stars, glistening in the inky velvet of night. High above him, he could see the orbital port as it glistened and pulsed against the darkness, and the glowing trails of ships leaving or approaching the docking bays spread out between the stars, green, blue, red paths leading out into the cosmos. Rare were the times when a member of the Nilkemorya could find such peace, and Jphala was adamant to preserve every moment of peace that he could. Returning to his meditation, he let his thoughts drift out of his body, and reach up into the vaults of space to follow the glowing paths of his brothers into the stars.
Another explosion ripped through the station as the remaining Federation Carriers closed in on it, repeatedly hammering at the intricate particle shielding with heavy missiles and blaster fire. Vipers swarmed around their mother ships like flies, repeatedly docking and launching to strike at new foes. Commander Treea looked at the holographic representation of the battlefield in front of him, as his first officer directed the ship into the battle. Responding with centuries old patience, the U.F.S Diligence swept about and headed towards the fleeing freighter convoy at the edge of the system. Treea called up the computer logs displaying the ships in the convoy. All of them were of Polaren origin. The cold, emotionless voice of the computer began to drone the information contained about them. Ship designation; Sprite. Origin, Polaren space. Typical freighter carrier used for shorter-range transportation of industrial/medical goods to far out Polaris systems. Armaments; none detected.
An easy target, the Commander thought, before moving on to the other ships.
Ship designation; Cambrian. Origin, Polaren space. Heavy freighter designed and used for mass haulage of goods along set trade routes within Polaren key systems. 87% of sightings have also been accompanied by Sprites. Armaments; none detected.*
So much for Polaris superiority. the Commander muttered. Treea swung his console around to face the rest of the bridge before barking out orders. Helm, head straight for the convoy, maximum velocity. Ops, continues scans of the system. Let me now as soon as another ship enters or leaves. Comm., notify the rest of the taskforce. As soon as the station is deemed uninhabitable, set up positions to begin orbital bombardment of the planet.
A rush of affirmatives filled his ear, and he could feel the massive ship beneath his feet begin to surge forward, before the artificial gravity systems compensated. The images of the convoy drew closer and closer, still trying to escape. Sensors report that they are unable to jump to hyperspace due to engine troubles. Comm. states that the fleet is taking up positions. Tactical is brought fully online and all weapons are on standby. Reports from the hangars all report that the Viper squadrons and Anaconda strike teams are ready for launch.
Still, the ships get nearer. Massive Thorium-based engines push the Diligence towards its foe, weapons activating all along its massive hull, missile bays unloading and preparing to fire.
Launch fighters orders Treea.
The hangar doors squeal open as alarm systems alert pilots for immediate take off. 6 vipers immediately launch and tear straight towards the convoy, unloading their arsenal of raven missiles to compliment the heavy missiles being fired from the Carrier. The Anacondas soon join in the fray, concentrating their fire on the all ready damaged engines of the convoy ships.
Destroy them, barks Treea, a small smile developing in the corner of his mouth. The bridge of the Diligence shudders as heavy blasters open fire all along the hull, the rounds punching through shields and striking the bio-engineered hull of the Polaris convoy. Within minutes, all ships had been disabled, their crippled hulks drifting slowly into the depths of the stars, as the Diligence turns and heads back towards the planet. Treea smiles satisfactorily. Comm., hail the fleet. Once the bombardment is complete, tell them to re-group. Were going deeper. Affirmatives rang once more in his ear, as the U.F.S Diligence returned to the waiting task force above the decimated Polaris planet.
Jphala opened his eyes as his wrist-com activated a general warning. Scanning through the contents of the message, his face turning pale as he read, Jphala scrambled to his feet, ripping the communicator from his arm. Mentally reaching out, Jphala touched the mind core of his Manta and the ship came speeding along the beach to his master, sharing the impatience and anger that Jphala had just received through the special link that Polaren and Manta ship share. Leaping aboard, Jphala screams upwards towards the station and his waiting ship, the most powerful and rare of Polaren war ships. As the waves slowly washed over the forgotten communicator, the message of System attack, Federation warships detected entering leaving hyperspace. and the twin moons began their slow descent towards the horizon, the greatest of all ships blasted off from the Orbital station to join the defence fleet.
Tonight, the Raven flew, once more, to bring doom upon those who would oppose it.
Watch your tenses. You switched from present tense to past tense back to present partway thought. Was this intentional?
Otherwise, it was a very nice flash Chronicle.
It's one of the better first posts i've seen here. Very well done, except for what I pointed out above. I liked the detail in the beginning, but you didn't really maintain it for the duration.
Still, good work. I look forward to seeing your future contributions.
Cheers, Guapo
------------------ "Quote it, paraphrase it, soak it in peanut oil and set it on fire. I don't mind in the least." - forge Founding Member of WORRPBOITAMPSH, Gildorian Minion and Knight of the Order of the Bastard (url="http://"http://guapohq.jonpearse.net")GuapoHQ - for all your Guapo needs(/url) (url="http://"http://insanekp.tripod.com")The Insane Klown Posse Website!!!(/url) (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/vftp/dl-redirect.pl?path=evo/guides&file;=TechFolder.sit")Captain Canardley Ableson's Technical Guide to the EV/O Universe(/url)
funny, your first paragraph matched the description of a pilot file submission on the PFE that was near the top. There are a number of nova stories, and a couple that alter the universe a bit. don't kid yourself.
I agree with guapo about the tenses, and pretty much everything else for that matter.
to add something, why did the missile launchers unload to prepare to fire?
------------------ Cmon people, the (url="http://"http://www.AmbrosiaSW.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=20&SUBMIT;=Go")Chronicles(/url) are worth looking at. I love Frigates, as is easily seen:(url="http://"http://www.dabie.k-ow.net/~glasskids/EV_Frigates_page.html")EV Frigates(/url).
What Guapo said...
I liked it, thought it was a bit short.
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(quote)Originally posted by Captain Phillips: **funny, your first paragraph matched the description of a pilot file submission on the PFE that was near the top. There are a number of nova stories, and a couple that alter the universe a bit. don't kid yourself.:redface:
The main reason it was so short is because it was only a try-out piece. I wanted to see if people liked my writin style before I put a bigger piece on.
Bout the missle launchers...U know on certain films/sci-fi games etc when weaponry is stored inside the ship, and then comes out of the ship when it is armed? Well, that was what I meant it to be like, the missle launchers unloading out of the main body of the ship before firing. It was just about imagery, thats all.
Thanx for your comments tho. Keep doin it, it's the only way people get better at writin!!
------------------ **
(quote)Originally posted by Mossy: **I've never read the pilot files, and i honestly didn't no that ev nova stories had been posted, as I've not been here that long. Sorry if it sounded a bit big-headed...;)
I understand about the missiles, but in a story it is best to describe things the other way round. In fact, it sounds cool to say that a weapon "unloads" its ordinance into me enemy.
Your writing is fine, I hope to see more from you in the future.
------------------ Cmon people, the (url="http://"http://www.AmbrosiaSW.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=20&SUBMIT;=Go")Chronicles(/url) are worth looking at. I love Frigates, as is easily seen:(url="http://"http://www.dabie.k-ow.net/~glasskids/EV_Frigates_page.html")EV Frigates(/url). **
Pretty nice piece, though it needs a lot of filling out, and editing for tense.
This is really a stialistic difference between you and me (who you'll never see post here because I make about one or two posts every year or so...), but your first paragraph, while full of beautiful, vivid detail, was disappointing to me.
If you write any story-based thing with a large action part in it, it works nicely to build it this way, especially if you are going to place explosive action next to tranquility like this:
-Vivid description, but never monotonous. -Scene is shattered by violence. -Tranquility follows a breathless period of violence. Try to make the reader hear the sudden silence after the battle
If you write something without an action part, or want the action and the serenity sepparated and devided into two different times and places, like you did here, I reccomend starting with the character. Give us the character and what he/she is feeling, then build the scene around him/her. I generally try to do it like this
-Character is defined, but not named, or named, but not described, in a short sentence, giving the beginnings of a setting and character, but nothing more. As if it was the first shot of the character in a film. -Setting is gradually introduced at the same time as the character's interaction with the setting is taking place -Character is given a name, temporary or real, just before the main action takes place
Anyhow, I hope I have been of help for the second time since the last post I made here, in November of last year I think.