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I guess this is goodbye Hamilton. Said Captain McLetts with his gruff tone. Only for now. I said trying to assure him I would be back. Hamilton... your a good man. Thanks. As I got on the space port taxi I looked of the window and saw the Cutlass in all her unbreakable glory, and her crew. All ninety-eight of them. My thoughts were broken by the squeal of the taxi breaks. Port 38, here you go. Thanks, how much? Ten fifty. After I handed him his money I went to the door and punched the security code. It opened and revealed a small hallway to another door which I banged on twice. Hello? My names Hamilton, Im here to join the terrapin Theodore for a year. Yeah! Come in. I walked in to another hallway that lead into the ships kitchen and living quarters. I met the head crewman. I will need to see your papers. Looks like youre either who say you are, or a master forger. He said with a chuckle. Ill show you where you are sleeping, Its between me and Porters room. When I put my bags down we went to the kitchen where I met the crew, This is Porter, your neighbor, he served with this ship for three years, and before that he was a soldier on a local security station. My attention was directed to the woman next to him. This is Erica, electronics, she can fix anything... but she has to destroy something else to get the parts. And Im Richardson, copilot, I have served on the Theodore for two years. I am also the captain until we get a new one, last Captain had a bounty on his head... you can fill in the blanks. When I was finally aloud a word in I said What's our main function? Cargo from Altia to Port Kane. We will be to Port Kane soon, why dont you get some sleep. I walked back to my compartment and laid down in what would be my home for the next year. When I was woken up Richardson asked if I wanted to go with the crew to the bar. As we left he grabbed his blaster and I grabbed my handgun. Why do you carry and old pistol, get a new one. Those blasters aren't that powerful when they are scaled down to make them handheld. Plus, this pistol was my fathers, and it kept him alive. When we sat down and ordered Porter recognized a group of spacers he said were pirates. How do you know? Said Erica. Back on the security station they were in and out of jail. I bet you they have a bounty. Good lets book em. Said Richardson, You lead Porter. We walked up to them and pulled our weapons on them. In response they pulled and shot Richardson in the shoulder. He fell and screamed in pain. Porter shot back, hitting two of them, killing none. Erica and I grabbed Richardson to put him behind cover. As Porter fired at the pirates the bystanders in the area ran. Not wanting to hit any of them I couldnt fire. When I could fire I hit one of the pirates in the chest, killing him. Porter and Erica finished of the pirates who were first wounded. Three out of five of the Pirates had been killed. But, as I and Porter were returning fire a group of ten pirates came to reinforce the last two. Knowing we could not defeat them we ran back to the Theodore. Who are those guys? Huffed and puffed Erica, Their pirates that have friends. Replied Porter. Soon we were to the Theodores security door. I punched the code and we were in. I yelled Start the engines! Give me time, I only have one working arm! Hamilton get on the turret. Okay, Im on it. When the terrapin left the station Porter keyed in the navigation codes. We are ready to go when we leave the gravity field. A starbridge blasted toward us with increasing speed, weapons charged. The Theodore could not go fast enough to evade the starbrige. Plasma cannons blasted the hull. In seconds our shields were nonexistent. Our armor was down soon after and the entire ship was disabled. Everyone arm yourselves and meet and the main hatch! Yelled Richardson, who had a blaster in the workable hand. When we had all prepared for boarding we heard three large explosions and laser fire. Out the window the pirate ship was taking damage. Lasers were all around it as the starbridge prepared for light speed. As the starbridge disappeared Erica charged the generator to start the emergency beacon and radio. On the speaker we heard: Theodore, this is the Cutlass, prepare for peaceful boarding.
Is this the end?
I have to say, the story suffered from a bland fight discription, and rushing. Also, I noticed that blasters were called, "blasters" "plasma cannons" and "lasers" on three different ocations, that was annoying and painfully obvios to me.
------------------ Cmon people, the (url="http://"http://www.AmbrosiaSW.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=20&SUBMIT;=Go")Chronicles(/url) are worth looking at.
Take your time...and Captain Richardson is an idiot.
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It has a rushed feel to it...
The way I avoid this is by reading my writing aloud as I write it - and when I pause in my reading, I whack in a comma, or full stop, or semi-colon, or whatever... I think you've also gotta try and write in more complex sentences - more commas, more dashes, more conjuctions, less full stops.
But I like the detail. It has a slightly Tarantino-esque feel to it.
------------------ Why live life from dream to dream, and dread the day when dreaming ends?
Quote
Originally posted by Captain Phillips: **Is this the end?
**
That is because blasters are hand held; plasma cannons shoot spheres of energy; and lasers are beams of energy. Sorry for the confusion.
------------------
Nice beginning... but like the others said, it was too rushed. You have a reasonable story here, but some more bits are needed for clarity, and you need to slow down a bit. e.g.
When I was woken up, Richardson asked if I wanted to go with the crew to the bar. your reaction here would add depth As we left he grabbed his blaster and I grabbed my handgun. Why do you carry and old pistol ? You should get a new one. Those blasters aren't that powerful when they are scaled down to make them handheld." I replied. Plus, this pistol was my father's, and it kept him alive. Port Kane's bar was only a short walk from the Theodore, and it lived up to its reputation. We had only just sat down and ordered when Porter recognized a group of spacers; he said they were pirates.
My additions are the bits in italics
It's just a few extras; "he said" "I did"- but if you put those in the story can go from "OK" to "Great!"
I hope I've been helpful.... as opposed to shooting my keyboard off...
-Cicero.
------------------ Approach the counter quietly, state the problem, than back away slowly... That way no-one will get hurt.
Thanks Cicero. You did not just critisize, you tried to help me. I appriciate that.
Originally posted by Klienfelters: **That is because blasters are hand held; plasma cannons shoot spheres of energy; and lasers are beams of energy. Sorry for the confusion. **
I don't remember any plasma cannons or lasers in Nova??
But then again, I forgot that you have altered the nova universe quite a bit. :rolleyes:
It turns out they are called fussion cannons. Anyone know why the independent planets were taken out of EVN?
Originally posted by Klienfelters: **Thanks Cicero. You did not just criticise, you tried to help me. I appreciate that.
You're welcome. And there is one independant planet in EVN; somewhere between Polaris and Federation space... name begins with an "M" and it's got a population of about 7 people and a dog...
But as to why it's the only one, I have no idea... maybe you should ask EVula.
There are independant planets. They appear after you beat a major story.
------------------ "Intensify forward fire power, i dont want anything to get through!"
Those really aren't pertinent to the universe or any storyline; they're more like Easter eggs that the developers put in (much like s7evyn or whatever the damn planet's called).
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Originally posted by Klienfelters: **It turns out they are called fussion cannons **
What are, Blasters?
Blasters are some sort of plasma weapons, the idea is that they turn gas into plasma bolts that are fired out of a magnetic barrel. Since there is no gas that I know of right now that can create orange plasma the idea is that the gas used is some new sort only availible from that big planet thingy.