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this is my first attempt at a story for EVO. tell me whether or not I should post the next two chapters. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The story of killer Kenneth
chapter one
Kenneth was born on gribn. he grew up experiencing the renegade raids frequently mounted on hatuli. One would have thought that he would hate the renegades, but he didn't. as a young child he threatened, and stole the pocket money from other children. When he was 14 his ill-gotten gains came out as over three thousand credits. At 18 he bought his first ship, a shuttlecraft. he didn't think much of the used craft and therefore didn't stay in it long. as soon as he earned the money he bought a krait. he flew the ship to Gorky where he hired himself out to a turncoat captain. he spent a year launching out of the huge ship before the renegade captain's luck ran out. the turncoat was destroyed by a bounty hunter. all its kraits were also wiped out. Kenneth managed to eject his escape pod and was later picked up by an unsuspecting trader. He had just over one hundred thousand credits and did not want to spend all of it on a new ship. instead he signed on in the crew of a helian. unfortunately the captain of the helian was inexperienced. during a raid the helian was chased into Hurons atmosphere and shot down. it crashed near a town and the captain and forward crew was killed. only Kenneth and two others survived. however before fleeing the site of the crash Kenneth extracted the dead captains money. added to the sum he already had it came out as a nice 327,000 credits. more than enough to buy a helian of his own. Kenneth proved to be deadly in his new helian. he didn't hire a pilot, he flew his ship himself. Favoring speed and manuverability over sheer firepower Kenneth upgraded his ships engine massively. he fought so viciously and was so brutal that he soon earned the nickname
killer Kenneth.
When Killer Kenneth walked into the bar on Gorky everybody looked at him. Although he was young, nobody was dumb enough to attack him. Looking around he said in a loud voice, "Has anybody seen the steel claw.?" the freight courier steel claw was as feared by the renegades as the nadir was by the traders. It was upgraded with three turrets, the normal two hunter launchers removed and replaced by needle launchers, and a krait bay. The bounty hunter ship was A formidable enemy. Everybody in the bar looked at Kenneth like he had announced his own death sentence. One of the renegades in the bar said shakily "I saw it in the hatuli system. The governor of gribn is paying its captain to the skies to protect the system." without a word Kenneth turned around and walked out.
As Killer Kenneths ship, the blue demon, blasted off, he grinned. So that was where the old buzzard was. He might have known. The government of hatuli would pay anybody to protect them. And a bounty hunter with a reputation was too valuable a chance to lose. They would do any thing to make sure he stayed. Hell have over a million credits on him, Kenneth thought. The captain of the steel claw had escaped him once. Killer Kenneth had crushed the captains puny freighter easily. But the captain had ejected. Kenneth never liked to leave a job undone so he now hunted the captain with a will. The hunter had become the hunted.
The captain of the steel claw relaxed in his room. He thought about the fact that most people considered him the best bounty hunter ever. He knew about his reputation and that as long as he was in the hatuli system no renegades were going to attempt a raid. Suddenly a message came through the comlink with the bridge. It was his second in command. "Captain, a helian just jumped into the system, its transponder code is renegade." the captain smiled. Then his smile disappeared as the second in command continued. "The ships name is blue demon." two minutes later the captain was on the bridge. He could see the helian as only a blue speck in the distance, but all its information was displayed on the targeting computer. "Communication from the renegade ship captian."Stated the communications officer. " Put him on." the screen blurred for a second and then Kenneths face appeared. "Well, how nice to see you again."He said. "Enough with the pleasantries, I know what you want." the captain replied. "So you do, so you do. And I certainly dont want to bargain. Killer Kenneth out." killer Kenneth the captain thought bitterly. A name earned through killing helpless traders. His eyes became narrow slits of hate, "launch the fighters." he said. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(This message has been edited by Captain Phillips (edited 01-22-2004).)
Good start, but it needs a little work on character development (it needs more), punctuation and capitalisation (just a few bits here and there), and the sentence and paragraph structure (it doesn't have any). Also, with the dialogue, try starting a new line when a person starts speaking; it makes reading so much easier. But on the whole, I think it's a good start; I'd be interested to see the next two chapters.
------------------ Approach the counter quietly, state the problem, than back away slowly... That way no-one will get hurt.
Quote
Originally posted by Cicero: **Good start, but it needs a little work on character development (it needs more), punctuation and capitalisation (just a few bits here and there), and the sentence and paragraph structure (it doesn't have any). Also, with the dialogue, try starting a new line when a person starts speaking; it makes reading so much easier. But on the whole, I think it's a good start; I'd be interested to see the next two chapters.
**
thanks for the advice. I know I have those problems with all my writing but I don't know what to do about them
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Decent start, but (besides what's been said) I didn't like the intro. Giving us history is a nice view into your character's past, but it doesn't reflect much on his state of mind or personality.
------------------ Man have pity on man
Originally posted by Jas86: **Decent start, but (besides what's been said) I didn't like the intro. Giving us history is a nice view into your character's past, but it doesn't reflect much on his state of mind or personality.
I'll have to remember that for my future stories.
I suppose nobody is Interested anymore, but the next chapter has been submitted.