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CHAPTER 1
Commander Loke marches along the thin, narrow corridors of Outpost R-63, the largest and most powerful military settlement of the U.E. in centuries. R-63 itself is very far from U.E. space and leans to attack more directly in the core of Voinian space than other outposts. It is one of the only outposts to intercept such a number of convoys. "Commander Aplan, ready for the attack?" Loke nods slightly at the sound of Kyle Dovon, his closest friend in the Outpost. They both pass the threshold of the immense Dock XVI, which holds countless Military Force Ships and the group of Officers that were waiting for them. After moments, the officers, Loke and Kyle all start mounting their ships. Loke and Kyle step into their Advanced Fighter. It is the most sophisticated United Earth ship ever made. It looks like a normal fighter except for its shiny silver shields because of its constitution out of layers of iron, titanium and different kinds of metals. The Advanced Fighter is also an inimitable ship by its' radar quality and awesome number of weapons, a couple of neutron turrets and a pair of light missile launchers. Loke and the other's ships hover over the ground, motionlessly, then blast off almost in complete silence. Soon, the group whooshes in the center of their enemy's territory. A Voinian Cruiser instantly recognizes the geometrical forms of U.E. ships and Voinian Heavy Fighters from the machine's bay. Kyle easily destroys a Heavy Fighter with two light hunter missiles, and flies off for another one. The rest of the officers and Loke steady their way slowly towards the mother ship. Loke dodges a rocket and sends a missile. The officers swerve around the ship and use their bare blasters to destroy the Voinians. Kyle leaps in surprise at the sight of the strangest of all ships. Its outer shell is in the form of a simple fighter, but the material is seems to be the unique glowing gold minerals from the Igadzran planets. "Uh...Loke? I think we have a problem." Kyle waits for an answer, but is not satisfied. He glances just in time to dodge Loke's flaming vessel. A long, untouched ribbon of black smoke trails dirtily from his exhaust. "Sorry, my ship got damaged by this huge monster ship, I think we better alert Earth. My ship will hold only around half an hour more." Kyle orders hyperspace formation for the remaining officers. Before the battle, there were around twenty officers, each one in a ship. But when Loke calls them back, there are only a dozen left. The humans form a large organized and categorical triangle. Instantly the fire from the engines grows, and in seconds, they are gone. Days pass and the crew finally arrives back to Earth. Too late, the attack has already started. Igadzran and Voinian warships fire like mad at the resisting human planet. "Yes, you were right, Kyle. We do have a problem! I'll immediately call the Zachit! This is urgent!" Kyle's eyes start blazing in anger for his natal planet. Soon his ship's engines also roar and he fires endlessly, in the most aggressive and dangerous fashion he had ever fought. Even the glowing voinia/igadzra ship backs fearsomely from the outraged human. Most of the Voinian ships retreat and the pilots mutter to themselves, he's crazy!! The inter-com buzzes to life and the voice of a Zachit warrior fills Kyle's ears. "Hey, you. Steady! I don't think you really need our help!" He says sarcastically. "Get your butt over here and help me instead of staring at me!" Kyle responds briefly and returns to his deadly attack. The Zachit interrupt Kyle's terrifying madness and the 'Voinians & Igadzra Vs. Kyle' battle gets replaced by the quickest space battle the Humans or Voinians have ever experienced. Blue and golden lasers flicker everywhere. Rays and large shafts of strong light twist and turn everywhere around them, accompanied by zapping electronic voices and strange noises. The humans are speechless. The Voinians stare at each other in awe. Kyle smiles devilishly but does not show his amazement; His eyes would not react and the vessels are angry wasps to his eyes. They are the northern lights of space he mutters and glances at Loke. He is also staring at the blue, blinding blurs and yellow yo-yo like suns before him. The crusade waits for entire hours and finally, the inter-com crackles on. "Hallelujah, guys! The Zachit won!" The proud pilots swerve around the remaining Voinian ships in a hostile way. The amazed and terrified intruders back and flee to their residence. "Kyle, we won! Earth has been saved!" Later, Kyle and Loke celebrate with other fellow officers, drinking entire glasses of Saalian Brandy. Everyone laughs and grins at their victory against the combined enemy forces. Every single officer, without an exception, and hundreds of citizens of the Solar System come to join the celebration. Then, Kyle comes up and shrieks over the noise. "LOKE!! MR. SEGGIAN WANTS TO TALK TO YOU!!" Loke covers his ears, and after this nods and stares at Kyle. He heads for the door and turns the knob slowly. Soon, Mr.Seggian's terrified voice immediately fills the room with squeaky high-pitched notes and hurried footsteps back and forth on the metal patterned floor. "This is impossible! Absolutely unthinkable! The Igadzra are allied with the Voinians to siege the Earth and overwhelm our defense fleets with hundreds of ships of perfect quality! We are done for: dead! What can we do? ..." "Calm yourself, Mister Seggian. Do you have the plans of the ship? We should identify every single weapon on this mortal thing to be able to underestimate it, as well as the armor and shield resistance. What material they are made of... etc " Seggian stops marching abruptly and observes Loke. Then he restarts his agitation. The clinking of his shoes echo and makes the steel vibrate at each footstep. "But it is too powerful! It's radars are far too sensible! It will kill us before we can get a glimpse of it! We have to do something! Something absolutely miraculous to survive." Loke's ears ache from the screaming voice of the desperate man and he heads forward to exit the office insolently, leaving him to his cries of sorrow, but then a reasonably calm man blocks his way. "Officer Aplan, I think you just might be the right man!" Loke spots Kyle behind the man and stares at him curiously. "I am Head of Military Forces of Outpost Alpha, from the U.E. court. You, with Commander Dovon and the dozen of officers that have aided you in the battle of the Golden Voinian, as we call it, were chosen for a very delicate mission. Yes, we have followed your idea about identifying the mystery ship. You have to hyperspace in the area where the ship has seemed to disappear. Accordingly to our officers, the ship fled close to the Vroniess system, in the west of Voinian space." Loke alerts a couple of officers, and orders them to be on Dock XVI in an hour. The officers nod slightly and quickly gulp down the rest of their ales. "You guys really ready to risk your lives for R-63?" Loke asks sarcastically. One of them replies. "I'll always be proud to be in your command, Aplan. It's a real honor to work for you." Loke grins and turns around to see what Kyle is up to. For a moment, Kyle, who sits next to a small table, remains seated with his Saalian Brandy between his hands. He is still thinking about his friends, only to be seen in his mind, forever. Loke then leaves the room silently, reminded by the evil blackness of death. His footsteps slowly fade as he progresses away.
CHAPTER 2:
Once again, Loke and the others meet on Dock XVI. This time, Kyle obtains a small sneaky vessel. This would do the job well! He admires its sleek and slim body and circles around it passionately. But, nevertheless, nothing is comparable Loke's ship. As Kyle approaches, the metallic door opens vertically and creates a vibrating sound. The inside is quite unsatisfying though: two leather seats, nailed to the bare floor, face the controls, and on a unique table lay a couple dusty and old booklets and magazines, carelessly stacked in a dark corner of the ship. The entire ship is divided into two equal rooms, both as simple as one another. In the first one stands the table, a stool and the controls, and the seats. In the other, were two bunk beds aligned against a gray wall. The ship is lighted by white neon lamps, which all follow around every corner joining the walls. "So, how's your machine?" Croaks Loke's anxious voice on the receiver. His voice becomes fuzzy and broken on the inter-com. "Uh let's plainly say that it's not really what I expected, Loke." They both laugh heartedly and order the take-off. The crew soars astoundingly and swerves between the stars in a blur. Loke's Fighter, named the Flaming Space Eagle, flies in head of all of them, and Kylesí scout ship, back at the tail. Suddenly, the Space Eagle's radar starts to beep. On the blue, plain screen, Loke observes the small dots representing their ships, and in the distance, is a large, blinking dot. Loke raises his head to compare his radar and his eyesight. He squints to see the thing, and after minutes of intense concentration, he sees and larger but duller star than the others in the galaxy. It stands still as a barely distinguishable light in the pitch-black emptiness of space, but nevertheless, its meaning would only mean destruction, and therefore it had to be stopped in any way. "Kyle, got the image?" "Not yet. It's uploading the 3D pictures. But I'm starting to think that even with a specialized ship the UE'll never give one that can surpass you anywhere!" "Exact, Kyle. I already got the full images of it HOLY ****!! Check this out! This thing's got five neutron 180°sway turrets, three double heavy rocket launchers, a Heavy Fighter bay with five Fighters and loads of enhancers! We gotta give these files to Seggian!" "I'm not sure that'll be the right choice," says Kyle tensely. "He's already nervous enough with the idea of the Igadzra and the Voinians allied against us." He grins lightly, but his expression quickly fades as he sees the star approach, s-l-o-w-l-y. The front pointed uncompromisingly towards him and Loke, as if its radars had detected them even before Loke could. "That looks bad. Let's get outta here!" Kyle says urgently. "Wait." Loke stares momentarily at the thing, concentrating on his thoughts."Not before getting a lose look." "It could just be patrolling around the station. Both Voinian and Igadzra have very low but accurate radar visions. It's practically impossible that they would have already detected us!" But his doubts shrink lower and lower as the machine's track continues in their direction. "No time for thinking, Loke! We can think later on, but please! Let's go, now! I don't wanna die with this feeling for Earth!" His face becomes ghostly as the blood drains from it and he gapes in terror. They blast at full speed and barely avoid neutron rains and heavy rockets. They disappear in a blinding white flash.
CHAPTER 3:
Back on station R-63, they are sent to Seggian's office, not to re-experience his deadly shrieks, but to show the files to a tall man, in a dark-blue rigid costume, and shiny black shoes. "May I see your files?" He asks sharply. "They really are shocking, Mr " "Flarrin." "Okay mister Flarrin then. This ship has very capable abilities. We could easily reconstitute it in a sort of human version. Of course, we need Igadzra minerals, but I have heard of a similar substance in northern Zachit space." "Let's give up the reconstituting idea. What we need to know is about the ship itself, and its weapons first. Then we can think of reproducing it." He nods and pinches himself at the representations of the machine. "I I'll talk about this to Commander Herrsak. I admit that this thing might be harder to destroy than we had expected. But what I wonder is how long they took to make it." The two friends trod up to Boozerama bar and seat themselves on a small table. "Two traditional Zachit ales please!" The barman nods and smiles warmly. An instant later, two full glasses stand on the wooden table. Droplets drip from Loke's chin, and splats noisily on the planks. Kyle takes his own gulp, and sour, strong liquid gushes in his mouth. "YIKES! This one is strong!" Loke smirks and s######s back: "Hehe! I chose a special one for us today. Too bad you didn't notice that I winked at the bartender when I ordered the drinks." After a long, exhausting day, Loke Aplan and Kyle Dovon press the small plastic button of the elevator to the dormitories. The doors slide open and they step forward.
The following day, they wake up quite early and moan at the speakers in their room that boom in their ears. "Urgency in room 13788, I repeat: urgency in room 13788. Kyle Dovon and Loke Aplan are waited in room 13788." The voice shatters and Loke slides on clothes: a pair of black pants and a black T-shirt. He straps his belt and socks on, and finally his shoes. When he arrives outside his room, he leans against the wall and waits for Kyle to get ready. Once he comes, they stride rapidly to the room. "I am very sorry to perturb you, but this mission is far from the normal kind. We need experts for this one, Loke. Here's the idea: you got to enter the ship itself, into the central computer room, without getting caught." "Is this a prank or something?" "No, Kyle, what's more to that is that you have to do it in less than an hour, or else the virus will expire. I'm very sorry I got you nice guys involved in this trash, but you are by far the only ones to accomplish such a delicate mission." He droops sadly. "I think this might be your last mission. Now is the good news. Each one of you gets a few gadgets. Here's one we call a DNA Elecz.v10.4. It works very simply, the electric motor inside it provides a small, discreet weapon and sends out an electric pulse to any chosen DNA in a radius of ten meters. To choose the DNA, you have a limited choice of ten different ones by pressing the arrows. If you don't like that, we also have this." Loke gapes in awe and fingers the metallic form of a F2-Destroyer Rocket-Launcher. "Any questions?" Asks the man. "Yes. What do we do in the computer room?" "We will give you small CD-ROM, which you will insert into the big monitor under a large screen. It is a virus that will lock any sort of dangerous weaponry on the ship, including the small DNA machine you have been given. Then, you just have to sneak out of the thing. Without getting caught again." Loke nods in unbelief but does not dare to speak a word. Kyle is also shocked by the importance and difficulty of the mission. They walk slowly and they head to the shipyard: to doom.
CHAPTER 4:
The two march solemnly and unwillingly into the grayish, boresome floors of Outpost R-63, and lower their heads as passing officers stare at them in sympathy and wish them good luck. They arrive on Dock XVI, and, unexpectedly, they find Mr.Seggian and Mr. Targann, the main admiral of the anti-voinian defense fleets. "You thought we would give you so little hope?" Said Duntel Targann. "Targann, you'll always surprise me!" Kyle recognizes his companion's wild sense of humor and grins in sudden hope. "So are you coming with us?" Demands Loke. "Yep. And I'm also coming with two of the newest UE Interceptors." He draws a long, American flag off two large ships. It slides off gracefully and beholds two small but heavily armored ships, and of same color as The Flaming Space Eagle. Kyle s######s at Loke in a superior way. Finally, he obtained a better ship than Loke's. "Hehe. I see you enjoy your new vessel, Kyle."
The trio enters each one of their crafts, and out of Kyle's and Targann's exhausts breathe steady, blue flames and red lasers. They rise and soon, they are in Voinia, scanning their environment and alert for any voinian warships. "There it is." Loke's voice starts to get shaky and out of balance. "Open your airlocks and put on your jet packs." Orders Duntel Targann. "We'll blast our way under the ship. Anyway, we're too small for the radars to perceive. After that, we'll somehow break through, into the ship. Clear?" "I'll take the lasers." Declares Loke. "Be very careful " They meet outside the ships with their jetpacks and lasers, and flash across the across space professionally. Loke stares at the yellow ship and scans it for any urgency exit or airlock to break through. Nothing. "Duntel, you see anything? Kyle?" He starts trembling as he looks for them. Just then he sees Kyle's flashy boot disappear into a small trap, and quickly follows it. "Hey, Kyle, wait! Wait for me!" No response. He pulls himself up through the trap door and searches for his friends. Then, nervously, he creeps up the corridors and spots Kyle, waiting for him. "Where were you?!" Loke demands. "I was looking for you everywhere!" Demands Loke "Targann wants to explore first, and beep us if the coast is clear and beep twice if he's in danger." Kyle simply answered. "He told me to wait for you here." BEEP! BEEP! "Let's go! He might have been caught already!" They sprint their way between the narrow walls and clutch their DNA Eleczes. They run faster, faster, until they are only two blurs, zooming across the halls. Suddenly they stop. "We can't find him. He could be anywhere. "Where is he? Would he ever come back alive? What could've happened to him? What would they do without him?" So many questions they keep searching and calling, until their throats burn. Then they see him, unanimated, on the floor. "Duntel!" Loke cries in surprise. Duntel's head shakes, and he pronounces a few barely distinguishable words: "They they know we'rehere B Be careful " His head limps and Loke knows he is dead. He retrieves the virus from his hand and pockets the CD roughly. "Let's go." He exclaims, and they jog towards the central computer room. Minutes later, they find themselves into a large, complex labyrinth of dome sort in which stood several documents at the center. Kyle shuffles them and utters a short high-pitched squeal. "Loke, here are the full docs of the ships. They're planning to create other versions." Suddenly, they hear a low rumble of footsteps coming their way. Loke eyes the room and points at the camera that has betrayed them. "Let's get out of here!" Unfortunately, the simple place has only one exit, and that is from where the Voinians are coming from. Kyle and Loke switch glances, and charge their F2-Destroyers. Before they could react, Igadzra and Voinians block the exit. Loke launches his first rocket and dives towards a pillar for safety. Just then, a brilliant idea came to him. He peeks upward, at a rock ceiling. Then he glimpses at Kyle. Blood streams under him, despite his hand covering a serious wound. Loke winces for his friend, and fires, at the ceiling. The rocket takes a few seconds to reach it, and finally detonates. The shot was successful. Rocks now cover the floor and the enemies are blocked behind a wall of rock. They are saved! The grateful friends beam, but Kyles wound is indeed very important; Loke desperately reaches the first aid box and presses a small, white cloth on Kyles shoulder. The cloth rapidly reddens and Loke hands a tiny pill for Kyle to take. Almost instantly, the bleeding slows down, then completely ceases. The friends high-five and leap from rock to rock, to the dark hole.
CHAPTER 5:
Loke tugs himself onto the rock-covered floor and observes the unanimated Igadzran bodies, toppled crudely from the explosion. The two friends beam at their success. Loke recharges his devastating weapon and shakes a particularly lucky Voinian that might have a chance to survive. You hear me? Lead me to the control room, now! He demands sternly, pressing his rocket-launcher to his head. The shocked being stares blankly at Loke, but after a few moments, his eyes slowly blink open, and grow wide with terror as he spots the machine pressing against him. His features immediately tense up, and his veins bulge with anger and hate. Shaking with fright, he leaps up, his fists clenched tight and hopping up and down to fight the humans. Kyle wryly grins at the Voinian. You have no chance, Voinian. After this, the enemys features loosen up. Wait a minute, my friends. Did you ever get the sensation of a kind of emptiness? A sudden loss of gratitude? Now look behind you. The two humans quickly twist their heads backwards, but see nothing abnormal. KABOOM! FRRR! Loke just dives in time to dodge a blazing flame of fire, coming from the fuel generator. Black smoke starts invading the small room, and Loke and Kyle cough and sputter as they fight for clean oxygen. They stagger swiftly towards the next room, and close the door hurriedly. Wheres he gone to? Loke questioned. He mustve rushed to alert the head. We have to be quick, or else theyll nowhere we are, and then then thatll be a catastrophy. After resting, the pair continues sneaking into the ship, guided by a small greenish monitor, showing where they are in comparison to the main computer. They walk and walk and walk, and finally, the white dot representing them, hid the computer dot. Hey. Arent we supposed to be in the control room? Asks Kyle confusedly. We must be on the wrong floor. I know a shortcut. Loke grins and takes out a strong laser. We should be very careful, tough, Duntel said not to damage any computers. Loke turns on the laser and an infinite ray of red light traveled from the handle, way out in the darkness of space. He switches the heat intensity higher and draws a perfect circle out of bubbling red-hot steel. Quick, I hear someone coming! I dont have enough time. He reaches for his Elecz and fires at the man mercilessly. The Voinian limps and Loke hoists himself up. Loke and Kyle find themselves into a very dark room, except for hundreds, maybe thousands of blinking buttons of every possible color. Loke widens the laser view and explores the place. He arrives in front of a very isolated screen at the center of the room. I guess here it is. Loke shuffles through his pocket and sets his hand on the disk. His damp, trembling hands closes upon it and slides it through the drive. He double checks everything and quickly plucks the memory chip they were also supposed to take. Thats it, its locked now! Lets get moving! Kyle cries in desesperation. Loke wipes the cold sweat from his forehead and starts jogging out. Dont move. A familiar voice orders from a dark corner. Loke turns around and distinguishes a gun, glinting and reflecting the neon lights. Duntel! What the ? Im sorry, guys. Its just that these Igadzras are pretty much more generous than the UE. They gave me some good of a deal. I kill you, I get the money. But, Ill give you one last chance. One. Join us Two. Or join the dead. Hes not crazy, Whispers Kyle. Look at his eyes. Theyre staring right through us, like a brain-wash or something. Theyre controlling your mind, Duntel! Wake up or theyll kill you too! But Duntel doesnt respond to their calls. He simply nods and pulls the trigger a bit tighter. I have to do it. It was the matter of a second. While Kyle and fake Duntel spoke, he reached a bar in the rests. Then, he struck Duntel on the head before he could shoot. Ah! Kyle, Loke, help! It HURTS! Come on, we have to hurry. We cant worry about small injuries now. They pass the corridors like lightning and hop into the ships.
EPILOGUE
Duntel, Loke and Kyle all return safely to Earth, and enjoy a grand committee, where the UE beings celebrate the long-life of their race. There was a long bustle of people, trying to get seats or getting better views, and than there was a sudden hush. Today is the day. The day when three young men risked their lives, their friends and much more, to save the Earth. I demand a long, exceptional applause, He took a pause. For Loke Aplan, Kyle Dovon, and Duntel Targann. It was an explosion. The earthlings stood up on tables, crying with joy and screaming the names of their heroes on the top of their lungs. The three companions beamed gratefully for each other and stood on the stadium. The applause started booming even louder once more. After a few calls from the announcer, the crowd gradually stopped again. For these men, Mister Aldovore Seggian, Gelbenn Herrsak, Tyradt Ionsu and Quosse Flarrin have given three golden Medals Of Honor, and the unsurprising fee of 5 Million credits each! The following morning, all were woken up at eight oclock, and were breaking the fast together. I dont know what to buy with this! Duntel exclaims sarcastically, dropping the magnetic card on the table. Me neither. But I would take a trip to the Mysteries of the Nebula park. Haha! That does not cost five million! It takes around fifty two hundred credits!. They finished their meal and marched along the thin, narrow corridors of R-63. Who knows in what future problem they will get involved in?
It's a cool story, but it seems to move far too fast at times. You skip over some areas that feel rushed, then are elaborate with others. The "chapters" weren't really warranted, as each "chapter" was rather short. If you had elaborated on some of the earlier scenes and then cut the story in half, with one chapter and then a second, it would have worked quite well, length-wise.
However, it is certainly interesting. By all means, if you're writing more in the same universe, keep writing, those were just the things that I saw that should be fixed in future stories. Keep up the good work.
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EVula got most of it. It wouldn't have killed your story to have more action either.
------------------ Man have pity on man
Interesting. I notice you wrote this in the present tense.
At this time I can only suggest a few things...
1. It's nice you use a few fancy words, but they stick out when compared to the rest of the story's plain, simple style. Also, here and there you missed a few conjunctions and articles. Proof read it a few more times.
2. GIve us a bit more info about Station R-63. It wasn't quite clear - is it a forward station? a supply base?
3. As I understand it, Loke and Kyle were on a ship. What are they doing firing at some kind of rock?
4. Who is Seggian? You don't really introduce him properly. Same with the other minor characters.
5. By the by, this alien ship DOES have a CD-ROM drive, right?
Minor nitpicks, to be sure. Overall, not bad.
Cheers, Guapo (Oh, and be a little less obvious with the hints in the story...)
------------------ "Quote it, paraphrase it, soak it in peanut oil and set it on fire. I don't mind in the least." - forge Founding Member of WORRPBOITAMPSH (url="http://"http://guapohq.jonpearse.net")GuapoHQ - for all your Guapo needs(/url) (url="http://"http://insanekp.tripod.com")The Insane Klown Posse Website!!!(/url)
I thought it was okay, I always enjoy a story taking place in the EVO galaxy... Although there were a few things you/charactors said that didn't make much sense to me...
1. '"Yes, you were right, Kyle. We do have a problem! I'll immediately call the Zachit! This is urgent!" Kyle's eyes start blazing in anger for his natal planet. Soon his ship's engines also roar and he fires endlessly, in the most aggressive and dangerous fashion he had ever fought. Even the glowing voinia/igadzra ship backs fearsomely from the outraged human. Most of the Voinian ships retreat and the pilots mutter to themselves, he's crazy!! The inter-com buzzes to life and the voice of a Zachit warrior fills Kyle's ears.'
It appears in this group of sentences that the UE decides to call upon the Zachit for assistance and then around three sentences later Zachit have arrived in the UE. They live like 15 jumps away that would take a little over a month to get there, not mentioning someone had to fly up to give the Zachit the message...
2. This one isn't as serious, infact it's very minor:
'This ship has very capable abilities. We could easily reconstitute it in a sort of human version. Of course, we need Igadzra minerals, but I have heard of a similar substance in northern Zachit space."'
Correct me if I'm wrong, but the Zachit only own one starport, right? Now if you saw Zachit in the galactic north then they were protecting northern MURINU space.
3. This one is also very minor, and maybe I should keep my big mouth shut....
"Loke, here are the full docs of the ships. They're planning to create other versions."
Are these written documents of the ship, or illustrated blue prints? if they are the latter then no problem here. But if there written it would seem like the script would be in Voinian or Igadzra, or both. Although then again Kyle might speak Voinian in addition to english?
------------------
Miranu.
But the other points are well made.
Guapo
Thx guys. But I think I'll leave the ambrosia boards for a very long time from now. I'll only post once in a while, so Adios, Muchachos!
------------------ Cooldude