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Well, here we go... First time submitting and all that. The reason I'm posting TSG3 and not TSG1? Heh, because I feel like it :p. Comments, criticism, etc. are all welcome and appreciated (but if you say I suck I'd like to know WHY), I'm trying to build this into a publishable work.
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Jerrinaar Kresh was a junk scavenger, bounty hunter, gambler, smuggler, and just about everything else you could imagine. His long career had taken him across the burning sands of the So Hairy Desert, up both peaks of Mt. Kittycatjaro, and to the bottom of the Maryanne Trench. He had ran pharmaceuticals across the 7 1/2 seas, pulled diamonds from the mouths of volcanoes, and countless other exploits. And that was only before hed gotten his starship license at the age of 20. Now he was a galaxy-renowned privateer, working for who ever would pay him the most credits, and knowing no boundaries. Except for one thing: He would not work for the Gurnopian Empire.
Today (it was a Thursday), he was enjoying some well-deserved time off, sitting in his favorite bar, swilling cheap Boz, and trading weird jokes with his friends. He had just ordered his third round of Boz when there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around, looking at the new arrival.
The person who had tapped on his shoulder was not a person at all. His skin was blue, signifying that he was an android. Tattooed on his forehead was his serial number: d10r-3p51N4-T. The android extended a clammy-looking hand to Jerrinaar, who shook it hesitantly, and introduced himself.
Greetings, Captain Kresh. I am d10r-3p51N4-T. I wish to speak to you on a matter of grave importance.
Yeah? Whazzat? Im drinkin here, man
Please, there is no time to debate. Come with me. The patrons of the bar looked annoyed. They had wanted their drinks, and now that Jerrinaar was leaving it looked like they werent going to get any more. The android pulled a credit chip from under his robes and tossed it on the bar. Give these gentle beings drinks on that until it runs out. It was a hundred credits. The people applauded d10r-3p51N4-T as he pulled Jerrinaar out of the room.
Dude, I was drinking, complained Jerrinaar.
Be quiet and listen to me! said the android with annoyance. I am operating on behalf of someone who would rather keep his name secret for now. He is prepared to pay you an exorbitant amount of money if you can transport him, a few others, and a small amount of cargo to Famist. He paused. This mission is of top priority and is highly secret. If you decide to refuse, I will need to wipe your memory of this transaction.
That settled it for Jerrinaar. Memory wipes left splitting headaches, and along with the hangover hed get from the Boz it could keep him incapacitated for weeks.
All right, Ill do it, muttered Jerrinaar.
Good, said the android. I must ask you to accompany me to our loading bay where we will load the cargo into your ship.
Wait, my ships still in the spaceport, protested Jerrinaar.
Not any more. It was brought over to the loading bay by construction droids several hours ago in anticipation of your affirmative response.
H Howd you know Id say yes?
Your personality profiles suggested with 95% certainty that you would take a mission that offered you substantial amounts of money and had a high risk factor. Although we must now update the profiles to 96%, it should still be accurate.
Alright then, lets go over to your loading bay, said Jerrinaar.
This way, said the android, leading Jerrinaar toward a battered, unremarkable air skimmer.
Thats our transport? asked Jerrinaar. It doesnt look like something a guy with so much money would use
Looks, as you know, can be deceiving, said the android. It seemed to smile a little bit, but of course that was ridiculous androids were incapable of emotion and, therefore, emotional action. He and Jerrinaar got into the air skimmers open front seats, and the android carefully fastened and tightened his seat belt before turning to Jerrinaar. Please fasten your restraints and hold on tight, there may be a little atmospheric turbulence. Jerrinaar ignored the androids warning seat belts were for wimps, and he didnt need one. Suit yourself, said the android. Was it smiling again? No, it couldnt be. Prepare yourself for liftoff, Captain Kresh. Jerrinaar leaned back casually in his seat, resting his feet on the dashboard. The android punched the power to full.
Jerrinaar felt like a Gurnopian Gunship had landed on him! The air skimmer roared up in the air like a missile! He tried to force himself upright so the pressure on his knee wouldnt break it, but then the android stopped the ascension and hovered in midair. Jerrinaar flew up in the air more than ten feet, and landed with a loud thump in his seat.
You crazy robot, what are you trying to do?! You couldve killed me!
I told you to put on your seat belt, said the android. You shouldve listened.
No air skimmer can go this fast! Whatve you got in this thing, afterburners??
It only has a few minor modifications, Captain Kresh, said the android.
Ch, whatever. Lets just go to your loading bays, muttered Jerrinaar. He took great care to put his seat belt on before the android started out.
After a shaky, bouncing, uncomfortable ride above Tichelopolis, the air skimmer arrived at a dilapidated loading bay. Parked at one of the bay doors was Jerrinaars ship, the Star Beer. About a dozen large wooden crates were sitting on the tarmac, along with a few cloaked people. One of the people, a tallish one with a slightly better quality cloak, walked briskly toward the air skimmer as Jerrinaar got out.
Ah, Captain Kresh, began the cloaked person. He Jerrinaar could tell it was a he by his voice kept his face in the shadow of his cloak so that all Jerrinaar could see was his chin, and he smelled slightly of bureaucracy, the sterile, slightly perfumed smell that permeated the administrative buildings of Tichelopolis and CompuTelan. However, unlike most of the bureaucrats of the Tichelopian government, his voice was young and full of energy. He went on, I am your client. If you and your crew could load our cargo into your ship, we should leave within the next three hours. Time is truly of the essence, Captain, as the hour of the man paused. But I have said too much already. Please, we must hurry!
Jerrinaar laughed unsteadily. He was still a bit shaken up from the ride in that crazy air skimmer. What crew? I havent had a crew for weeks, Im the only one here.
WHAT??? the otherwise calm man seemed rather frantic. You mean theres no crew AT ALL???
S no problem, said Jerrinaar. I just need Mr. Speed Demon over there to gimme a hand with the tractor beams and well get your boxes loaded in no time.
T Tractor beams? gasped the cloaked man, his calm façade now firmly shattered. Th thats illegal for a civilian!
Who cares? Jerrinaar laughed. So longs you know who to pay off, its no setback at all.
And youre planning on using them in atmosphere, in a warehouse? You could blow the whole place up! You must be crazy!
Nah, said Jerrinaar. He didnt really want much to do with this guy any more he seemed like a wimp, the kind who would chicken out and start screaming in the middle of a firefight. Deadly!
Cmon, Blue Boy, Jerrinaar waved offhandedly in the direction of the android. Lets get this show on the road. The android followed him, looking rather reluctant inasmuch as an android could look reluctant.
One of the other cloaked people walked over to the first, who was watching Jerrinaar walking toward the ship. Are you sure theres no other way, sir? asked the first.
Im sure of it, Vice-Starfleet Commander Milian.
But how can we be sure our sources are correct?
I trust my sources completely, Milian. There will be no more questions asked.
Yes, sir.
Looks around
Cool, first post.
Anyway: The story severly lacked in detail of characters, dialouge, setting, and technical things. It also lacked artistic devices which I'm a real stickler on.
I didn't see any grammar or speliing errors, which makes me proud of you Divals.
------------------ Man have pity on man
Heh, no offense to anyone, but I hardly ever read all the way through all the posts put up on the chronicles. It may be the electric screen or my own laziness... or something else. Anyhoo, I made it through this one. I liked your story, but for one detail. When writing, you may want to "show" rather than "tell." You cast an idea of braveness and recklessness at the beginning of your post. Pulling diamonds from mouths of volcanoes and such. I think that could've been pulled out, as he is showed as that sort of person in the story. I also liked the cliffhanger at the end. If there's anything else that I've forgotten, sue me. But, first, tell your wife/girlfriend she's good.
------------------ "And, lo, beholdeth! A light shineth, and you must bow beforeth your DesertFox!"
Quote
Originally posted by DesertFox: **But, first, tell your wife/girlfriend she's good.
**
That wasn't very nice... actually that was rather bastardly.
I wonder what ol' EVula's doing? He's losing his touch.
Strange, I rather liked it. The first bit was really funny - bit like a farce. The middle and end should have stayed in a similar vein, but the first bit really deserves a prize.
Cheers, Guapo
------------------ "Quote it, paraphrase it, soak it in peanut oil and set it on fire. I don't mind in the least." - forge Founding Member of WORRPBOITAMPSH (url="http://"http://guapohq.jonpearse.net")GuapoHQ - for all your Guapo needs(/url) (url="http://"http://insanekp.tripod.com")The Insane Klown Posse Website!!!(/url)
For some reason, Jerrinaar Kresh seems like a really futuresk name. I like it. However, the names for places in your story (ex. Mt. Kittycatjaro and So Hairy desert) were too comical and took away from the rest of the story. Why you would base them off of Mt. Kilimanjaro and the Sahara Desert is beyond me.
However, your grammar skills are much more steady. Overall, I'd give this story a 7/10.
------------------ Ie amh thuh ilitterit rietur.
Nice excerpt, Divals!
This is a simple, light read, and I enjoyed it. I, too, liked the silliness of the first sections (like Guapo mentioned), and wished the humor continued throughout the story. It half reminded me of those old Space Quest games.
Perhaps we can see "The Star Gurns" special edition and the prequels someday