EV/EVO Chronicles: Escape Velocity Volume II

Well, here are the next two chapters. I think they're a little better that the other book, which I will be improving and re-submitting.

Chapter I
The Search

“Computer, launch a Sensor Probe. Keep the feedback on one of the screens in the Sensor rooms that Shane added,” said Harper. “Bellerophon, start to work getting all weapons on line, Including the Particle Beam.”
“Aye sir,” said Bellerophon.
“Bellerophon, from now on call me ‘Harper,’”
“Aye sir.”
- Sensor Probe launched, - the computer said.
His first officer was a man by the name of Michael Bérton, but he had picked up an English accent and preferred to be called “Mike.”
“Mike, you have command. I’m going to get a crew member to monitor the feedback of Probe #1.”
“Aye sir.”
“Mike, you have the same problem as Bellerophon. Call me ‘Harper’ both of you. That’s an order.”
“Ok, Harper,” said Mike followed by Bellerophon.
Harper came back to command and ordered for a report.
“All weapons are on line, except for the Space Bombs. They are apparently classified and need the captain’s authorization code to activate them Harper,” said Bellerophon.
“Computer, now authorizing Space Bombs. Authorization code: You heard me, now do what I tell you and stop asking questions!” said Harper.
- Authorization accepted -
“We are being hailed by Admiral Richard Hardslab aboard the R.S.S. Annihilation,” said the communications officer, a girl named Cassie.
“On screen,” ordered Harper.
Suddenly, a thankfully familiar face came on to the intercom with a beep.
“How’re you doing?” asked Rick.
“Pretty good. I just launched the first Probe, and I have a crewman monitoring the feedback screen,” replied Harper.
Good. Now listen, the Alien Battlecruiser was last sighted in the ‘Dark’ system, near the Trugati Asteroid Belt. Your orders are to probe all of the systems surrounding that, and Dark itself. Then you are to report back to me. Payment is 50,000 credits. Hardslab out.”
“Kyle, set a course for the Dark system. Engage when ready.”
“Aye sir,” replied his ensign, and they were off.

They arrived some days later at the Dark system.
“Computer, launch a probe. Monitor the feedback. You know the drill,” said Harper.
They probed Dark, all of the systems around it, and started back for Palshife. They arrived, and reported.
“All of the systems have been probed,” reported Harper.
“Good. Here is the 50,000 I promised,” replied Rick shoving 50,000 credits into his hand.
“If you don’t mind, I’d rather have that directly into my account on Zaxted please,” said Harper.
“Fine with me,” said Rick, while he transferred the credits into Harper’s account. “Ok. New orders. Do whatever you want, until the probe finds something. When that happens, if it is a big red ship, get there real fast. When you get to the system, call in for backup from Rebel HQ. The authorization to get 3 Cruisers, 5 Destroyers, and 10 Mantas is ‘eleven fracture gamma.’ Do not engage the Battlecruiser or any of it’s fighters until backup arrives. If it goes to different system, you are to follow it, and tell your reinforcements where it is going. They will be on Rebel Special Forces frequency.” said Rick.
“Yessir,” said Harper, saluting.

Harper awoke some days later to the sound of feet running down the metal corridors of his ship and a voice saying,
“Wake Captain Harper!”
There was a knock on his door, and then Bellerophon came into his quarters and said,
“The probe in the Dark System has seen something. It’s big and red and followed by a compliment three small fighters that look exactly the same only smaller.”
Harper jumped out of bed, and ran to the bridge.
“Cassie! Open a channel on Rebel Special Forces Frequency to Rebel HQ on Palshife!” He said.
“Channel open sir.”
Rick came on screen.
Rick, we’ve found it! It’s in the Dark System with three small fighters identical to it besides size! Send backup! Authorization ‘eleven fracture gamma!’”
Rick punched a few buttons on his keypad and then said,
“Backup is on it’s way to Dark. Authorization to change thier orders is the same: ‘eleven fracture gamma.’ Hardslab out.”
“Ensign Kyle! You know what to do!” said Harper.
“Aye sir,” his Ensign, a guy named Kyle Smith said.

Chapter II
The Battlecruiser

They arrived some days later in the Dark system and were met by the reinforcement task force carefully dodging the fighters and Battlecruiser, which were shooting some sort of beam at them and what looked like small pockets of red energy.
“Cassie, open a channel to the task force,” Harper said
“Aye sir.”
“All right! All hands to formation Delta!” Harper ordered. “Authorization eleven fracture gamma,” he added as an afterthought.
The fleet moved into position: R.S.S. Supernova in front of a V formation of three cruisers as the tip, four destroyers as the middle, all ten mantas as the end, and the last destroyer directly behind the first cruiser.
“Everyone fire most powerful secondary weapons at the Battlecruiser! After that, fire second most powerful! When secondary is depleted, move in and circle with primaries. In the case that you are in a manta, use the Spearhead.”

“Sir, the vessel’s shields are extremely powerful! We’ve lost a Cruiser, 2 Destroyers, and 6 Manta’s! They’re all in escape pods, but the fighters seem to want no survivors!” reported a manta.
“Alright! New orders,” Harper said. “Everyone engage hostile ships on your way, but the main objective right now is to scare off the fighters, dock with the escape pods, and-” BOOOOOOOOM!!!!!! Four seeker drones slammed into the fore shields of the Supernova. Several people including Kyle were blown off their stations.
“Kyle!” Bellerophon yelled, and jumped to help him. He was unconscious, and bleeding at the mouth.
“Get him to sick bay NOW!” Harper ordered. “And you, take over tactical until Bellerophon gets back!” he said pointing at a crewman. Everyone else was getting up, and getting back to their stations. “The main objective is to dock with the escape pods, and take any survivors-” The ship rattled violently as a violet beam of energy sliced into the starboard hull, and sparks flew everywhere from conduits on the ceiling. “-to your sick bay,” he said over the intercom.
“Aye sir,” everyone reported.
Harper got on his communicator.
“Bellerophon, how’s Kyle?” he demanded.
“Medic says he has a concussion, multiple fractures, and internal bleeding,” Bellerophon reported. “But she’s stablized him and she says he should be all right.”
“Good. Now, we need you back on the bridge.”
“Aye sir.”
“Harper!”
“Oops, sorry Harper.”
“All right. Launch two fighters to help with the escape pod effort,” Harper ordered the substitute tactical officer. “Mike, you have command. You, you, you, you and you! Come with me. We’re boarding the ali-” BOOOOOOOOM! “-en ship.
The command was met with lots of protesting, but Harper stood his ground.
“Suit up into anti-rad suits. And everyone coming, get a sidearm and a Neutron Rifle from the armory,” He ordered. They all suited up, armed themselves, and got into the remaining manta. Harper leapt to the controls. “Okay people. Buckle your seat belts and hold your mud. It’s gonna be a wild ride!”

Meanwhile back at Rebel HQ on Palshife, Rick was biting his fingernails to a very fine powder. He had just received a very disturbing message from Cassie on the Supernova. Apparently, Harper and a few crewman were in a manta going to board the alien vessel.
He opened hailing frequencies immediately.
“Harper this is your Commanding Admiral. You must NOT board the Battlecruiser. That is an order.
“Sorry Rick, but it’s what I have to do,” said Harper over the viewscreen.
“Harper, DON’T! That is a direct order from yo-” Rick was shut out of intercom. “What the crap is he trying to do? Get himself killed?”
He tried once more to open frequencies, but was still shut out. There was an Elliptic Encryption Code on the on the Channel.

Ooohh... I got the first post! That makes me feel special. I bet EVula was in a rush or something and didn't have time to post.

Anyway, this part has many of the same problems as the first one.

Again, we still don't know just who Harper is. I've got know idea what he looks like, where he's from, how old he is, or anything. He's just a name to me. Nothing more. People tend to enjoy a story more when they like the characters. People tend to like the characters more when they have information about them that seems to make the jump out of the story.

Another thing. It still happens a little to fast. You could use some good descriptions in many places.

I'm out of time to post, so I'll have to cut it short here. Good luck with future installments!

(Edit: Now I can finish!)

Yes, descriptions are a must. They can be from appearance to sounds to atmosphere to anything. But if you do not add these little bits of information, the reader (Well, me actually) gets this "Dream-like" view of what's happening. You know, you can see one main thing that's going on, but nothing around or behind it, or anything else that may be happening.

But I could tell that you are doing quite a bit better with your sentence structures. Keep that up, and all you need are descriptions!

One last thing that got me. I pretty sure a Manta doesn't have room for six people to fit in it. As far as I know, it's a one pilot ship.

(This message has been edited by Spaceiscold (edited 09-09-2003).)

Whoa! Space out for a few weeks, and this place has gotten busy! Nice work, EVula!

Now, on to the story:
Your writing has improved since your last submimssion, disco! EV Volume II is much more readable than volume I with your paragraph breaks, and the plot is more focused. I like that.

I agree with the comments that Spaceiscold made, though. The pacing still feels rushed, and character development is a bit slim. Imho, if you were to keep the same plot, expanding the story to twice, or even three times it's current length would help it immensely. Adding details to the characters, like appearance and habits, would really flesh them out (i.e. the waif of a girl, Cassie; Mike being described as speaking in clipped, highly-inflected tones; or the cocky, head-in-the clouds Bellerophon, etc. (I'm just making these up :p)).

You've got the plot down solidly, now the next thing to tackle is, well, diluting it. Although improved from EV Volume I, volume II still reads like A happens, then B talks to C, then D happens. What I want to know (so I can become attached with the characters) is how the crew melds with Harper- occasional chit-chat or banter. Or how Harper is on first-nickname basis with an admiral. Do they have a history?

One last nitpick: occasionally, you use "made-up" technical name for things (i.e. "Elliptic Ecryption Code", "eleven fracture gamma"). I would advise you not to overuse such names; do they really add to the story? If I substituted "top-secret code" for "Elliptic Encryption Code", and "diamond formation" for "eleven fracture gamma", would the reader understand it better? The only reason why I'm so bullish on this topic is because when I wrote an unfinished story years ago with a friend over email (it was pretty aimless, but had some good ideas), we had all sorts of made-up names (Kasticallian night, Toransil Ochre, the dark side of Sallabas), but it sort of ended up being too silly... Sort of like Star Trek Voyager's made-up gadgetry fixes (well, I'll just re-route the tachyonic sensor energy through the antimatter matrix, and that should lower the force field temporarily). Imho, only add made-up names if it's critical to the story (like "grok" in Stranger in a Strange Land), or necessary to the setting (a spaceship's fusion warp drive instead of 8-cylinder combustion engine).

Ok, sorry for that mini-rant. I'm looking forward to reading future EV Volumes!

(This message has been edited by Astyanax (edited 09-09-2003).)

It's an improvement, disco...you're on the right track. But it's still far, far too rushed. And you're providing little or no background detail. Take a few sentences to set up the scenery before you get into the action. And don't make calling him "Harper" so abstract. Maybe make 'em have at least a cup of coffee first. Maybe a scene where Harper hires them? Or they save his arse?

Cheers,
Guapo

------------------
"Quote it, paraphrase it, soak it in peanut oil and set it on fire. I don't mind in the least." - forge
Founding Member of WORRPBOITAMPSH
(url="http://"http://guapohq.jonpearse.net")GuapoHQ - for all your Guapo needs(/url)
(url="http://"http://insanekp.tripod.com")The Insane Klown Posse Website!!!(/url)

Detail. Much more detail into characters, ships, emotions, battle sequences, and the works. I very much agree with everyone else.

Some artistic devices would greatly help, and I wish they would be used more by everyone.

------------------
Man have pity on man