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Well, here's the first version. Don't hold back on suggestions/critisism. Hope you like it!
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Escape Velocity Volume I
Chapter I The Beginning
Harper flew his new Shuttlecraft, the Eureka Maru, into the space Dock of Zaxted Starport, looked around, and decided to go to the shipyard and check out the prices for when he would buy a new ship. He started looking around, and finally after about an hour, he decided that his next step would be either to buy a Scoutship, a Courier, or a Defender, but the reason he took so long was because he spent about 30 minutes dreaming of flying an Argosy. He was about to leave, when he heard a call: There he is! Get im! Instinctively, he reached for his Proton pistol, but It was too late. SMACK! He was hit to the floor. He had a few last fleeting glimpses of cops with hand held Neutron Blasters arresting the men, and then fainted. He woke up in the Zaxted Starport hospital a few hours later and was informed that the men had been pirates, looking for his money, and that they had been arrested and were in a jail cell. Satisfied, he got up and started walking toward the Spaceport Bar. When he got there, he walked in, bought a drink, and seated himself at a table. Suddenly, an alarm rang and a voice came on over the intercom saying, All hands to ships! Pirate raid approaching! Quickly he ran to the Outfitter and purchased a laser cannon. Then he ran to his ship and blasted off. Soon, he saw a group of pirate ships coming at the last-minutely organized militia. There were ships of all sorts including: Defenders, Argosies, a few Corvettes, a Kestrel, and even a few Scoutships, plus himself. He thought: Man, I must look crazy out here in my Shuttlecraft amongst all these other much more powerful ships trying to defend a space station from a pirate raid. He picked a Pirate Defender to kill, and using a maneuver known as the Spearhead, he destroyed it. Finally, after hours of fighting, the pirates were gone, but so were a few of the other ships including: some Defenders, most of the Scoutships, and an Argosy. Oh, too bad, he thought, and landed on the station. A group of men rushed at him, thanked him very much, and gave him a credistick for 50,000 credits. Wow! For me? he asked. Uh huh one man grunted. He decided to go to the mission computer and start scrapping up money. He had decided that he would buy a Scoutship when he had enough. He saw: Rush delivery to Palshife in the Satori system, and immediately accepted it. He went to The Outfitter, and bought two External Fuel Tanks and a Ramscoop. He went to the shipyard to find out the price of a Scoutship. It was 80,000 credits. I have 30,000 left, and the mission pays 60,000 so Ill get the ship after this mission. he said. He left and took off. He accessed his map, and plotted a course from Zaxted to Satori. Then he hit the jump button, and started going. At first he couldnt get used to it, but it eventually became soothing and made him fall asleep. he awoke some days later to the sound of the voice of his ships computer. -You have arrived at Palshife in the Satori system. - Be quiet! he snapped, but realized that he was there. He sent out a hail to the planet and asked traffic control for clearance to land. Soon a voice crackled over the intercom saying, Ok youre clear for landing. Welcome to Palshife. He landed and a group of dockworkers rushed at his ship and unloaded the cargo. Then an important looking Rebel official walked up and asked him, Would you like to be paid now, or would you like it directly into your account. Account on Zaxted Starport please. he answered eagerly. By the way, asked the official. You probably know the Confederation hates you by now, he said. So you might as well join us and help with combat. We received a report containing something about you helping fight off a pirate raid. he said. Harper said, If its OK, Id rather wait and get at least a Clipper before I help with combat, but Id be happy to do some more deliveries. Well that's OK with me. Just come to the spaceport when youre ready to start the real battle. he said and walked away. Harper ran back to his ship and took off. Computer: set the shortest course you can for Zaxted Starport. he said. -Affirmative.- He went to his quarters on the ship and decided to eat a LOT and then sleep the whole time. He did so and then when he woke up to the voice of his computer saying: -You have arrived at Zaxted Starport in the Zaxted system.- He jumped out of bed, got dressed and ran straight to the shipyard. Id like to purchase a scoutship please he said and bought it with 10,000 credits leftover. Harper decided to go to the outfitter and buy Proton Cannons instead of Laser Cannons. He did so and then went back to the mission computer. In it was: Rebel delivery to Turin V, and Rush delivery to Palshife. He immediately went for the rush delivery planning on getting an easy 60,000 and start saving up for his Clipper. He accepted it and went back to his ship. He once again plotted a course to Satori. He then was about to hit the jump button when suddenly, His red alert button began to beep, the siren began to wail and his computer repeated: -Code Red.- -Enemy vessel sighted.- -Code Red.- -Enemy vessel sighted.- -Code Red.- He jumped to the tactical section of his ship and powered up the Proton Cannons. Computer, he yelled. Visual on the enemy ship! -Acknowledged.- It was a Defender. Whew, what a relief, said Harper. He aimed his hull towards the attacking Defender and started firing. The ship came incredibly quickly firing Laser Cannons, and ran right into the Proton shots. It passed and turned around for another run. He looked at the Defenders shield reading from his sensors. They were at 37%. He turned to match his hull to the Defender again and fired over and over again. This time the Defender was destroyed. His computer said: -The enemy ship(s) have been destroyed.- Good, he said. Then he looked at his own shields. Instead of a percentage, it said: Shields Down. He then landed. A group of dockworkers, politicians, and repairmen came rushing at him. We saw you on our traffic control sensors having a bad fight with a Pirate Defender. said the politicians. Are you OK? The dockworkers kept asking. The repairmen started to inspect and fix his ship. Im fine, Harper said. Then an important looking government official walked down to him accompanied by two security officers. Im a bounty hunter by the name of Stud Beefpile, he said. And you are? Harper, he said. Seamus Harper. Stud said, We got wind that you just destroyed the long wanted pirate known as Junkyard Dog. Well I did just destroy a Defender, but I never looked at what the ship was named, he said. Stud said, Whatever you say, but there have been posters for a 400,000 credit reward to whoever destroyed the Junkyard Dog. Well it was only a Defen- Suddenly the repairmen interrupted saying, Your ship is now in perfect condition sir. Not a scratch on it added another. Good, said Harper. Now as I was saying, it was only a Defender, so I dont think I deserve 400,000 credits. Stud said, He has been known to attack and raid in all ships including Kestrels. Well if you insist... Chapter II The Rebellion
I do He then shoved 400,000 credits into Harpers hand. Harper took the 400,000 credits completely amazed at his luck. It was a Defender, he said. But it was a very long wanted pirate! objected Stud Beefpile. OK, Im going to the shipyard to buy a Clipper, and thank you for the money, said Harper hesitantly. He rushed to the shipyard and bought himself a Clipper. Then he ran to the Outfitter and bought one more Proton Cannon so he had four, and more javelin rockets so he had 400. He had 70,000 credits left. Then he blasted off from the starport. Suddenly he remembered that he had a rush delivery. He said, Computer, set a course to the Satori system, maximum speed, shortest route. - Affirmative. - He hit the jump button and when he got to there, there was a small dogfight going on between two Confederate Patrol Ships and a Rebel Manta. He ran to the tactical section of his ship and yelled to his new crewman named Bellerophon, You! Take the helm. Bring us around to the Patrol Ship that is now threatening the Manta! Aye captain! He powered up the Proton Cannons, and armed the fore Javelin Rocket Pod. Pointing our hull at theirs! shouted Bellerophon. Harper started firing Javelin Rockets and Proton Cannons. Full impulse at the patrol ship! he yelled. Aye captain Replied Bellerophon. Harper kept firing. Suddenly the alarm began to wail as one of the patrol ships turned to space dust. Sir, the other patrol ship is heading for us! said Bellerophon. Computer, visual on the attacking ship! cried Harper. -Acknowledged.- Bellerophon, get our hull pointing either away from theirs or into theirs! Aye! They pointed away from the direction that the Patrol Ship was charging. It came in for a run, and hit their engines with Proton Cannons. They only had to sustain minor damage. When the Patrol Ship had passed, Harper fired. The Patrol Ship was annihilated. Harper powered down the Proton Cannons and disarmed the Javelin Rockets. Bellerophon, from now on, call me Harper. Yes sir. Then he landed. A group of dockworkers and a few military officials walked towards Harper. He noticed one of them was the Rebel official that had offered him into the Rebel military. So you have a Clipper now, he said. Yes, replied Harper. Plus you just beat down on pretty bad odds. Yes. So would you like to join the military now? I might as well. Good. Welcome to the official military of the Rebellion. Thank you. Then the dockworkers shuffled past with boxes of whatever equipment was in them. And that was how Harper became a great asset to the Rebellion.
Harper and Bellerophon went to the spaceport bar. They bought drinks and settled at a table. They had learned that the military officials name was Rick Hardslab. He came walking up and started briefing them on their next mission. Now remember, he said. This is a spying mission. If at all possible do not engage the confederation. If you must, use only proton cannons in the air, and a very low setting on your proton pistol on the ground. The mission pays 600,000 credits if completely successful, he said. OK, when do we start? asked Bellerophon. Tomorrow, replied Rick. The next day, Bellerophon and Harper sat in the new Clipper. OK, youre cleared for takeoff! said Rick. They blasted off and plotted a course to the planet Earth. When they got there, they put on the disguises that Rick had provided for them. They landed in a place in the outskirts of the continent called Australia. They walked into the bar, and started asking questions about any new technology that might be being developed. After a few hours of this, they finally wormed a bit of information out of a security officer. He said that they were making a new weapon that they were going to call the Particle Beam. They ran back to the Clipper that Bellerophon and Harper had agreed on calling the Slipfighter. They plotted a course back to Palshife and when they got back, they changed out of the Confederation delivery suites, and ran to the bar looking for Rick. They are making a new beam that they are calling the Particle Beam! they both burst out. They are? asked Rick. Yes! replied Harper and Bellerophon. OK, Im going to get two things. said Rick. A fleet of powerful Rebel Flagships, and 600,000 credits for you. I am also going to get you a Rebel Destroyer for aid to the fleet. And if we succeed in stealing the technology, It will be 2,000,000 credits for everyone. We will attack at dawn! Chapter III The Attack
Training practice was going hard in Harpers rented Rebel Destroyer. He was used to being the one pushing the buttons, now he was the one giving orders as he had a crew of 250 people. Furthermore, he was used to cannons, not turrets. Warm up Proton Turrets! Fire on that asteroid! he would yell, only to get a response of, Sir, our turrets are designed to target ships, not asteroids. Eventually though, he got used to it, and reported his progress to Rick. I think Ive got the hang of it now. he said. Good, replied Rick. I think youre ready for the surgical strike.
Meanwhile back at the Confederation HQ, the guard was reporting the extremely nosy people at the bar. I was at my post and I saw these people talking to several different people. Then they started asking me questions about anything new going on? Rebel spies no doubt. Did you tell them about the Particle Beam? The guard fidgeted nervously in his seat. YOU TOLD THEM? The official demanded. Hurry, we need some things. Prep the guards stationed at the science facility. And assemble a blockade of Cruisers, Frigates, Patrol Boats, and anything else you can think of! Aye sir, the guard said.
OK, this is your Wing Commander, Rick Hardslab, he said. Does everyone copy? Blue Leader to Wing Commander, copy that, replied Harper followed by a hail of copy thats and copys from everyone else. The Manta squad were called Red, the destroyers called Blue, and the Cruisers called Gold. There were 20 mantas under the command of Red Leader starting at Red one, all the way up to, Red twenty. There were 10 destroyers under the command of Blue Leader, who was Harper, starting from Blue one, all the way up to, Blue ten. There were 5 Cruisers under the command of Gold Leader, starting at Gold one, up to Gold five. When the mantas were launched, the would keep under the command of Red Leader unless and until a Cruiser called recalled them to the launch bay for repairs and restocks. And then there was Wing Commander in his Rebel Flagship who was Rick, with the leaders under his command. Now, if anyone in an original Manta succeeds in launching an escape pod to the surface, notify me and try to look inconspicuous. There was another hail of copy thats and copys. Good. Now, everyone plot a course to Earth, and prepare for mass destruction!!!
The blockade was coming along very well. Already there were 6 Frigates, 2 Cruisers, a scramble of Patrol Ships and Gunboats, and a Flagship who was the Wing Commander. They werent as organized as the Rebels, but they had almost as much firepower. It happened out of nowhere. Planetary Traffic Control sensors detected multiple hyperspace events and identified the ships as Rebel warships. Whoooo hoo hoo! shouted Rick over the intercom. Lets give these feds a piece of our mind! Not to mention taking a piece of their technology! Gold leader, launch all fighters and set them on a route to engage the Patrol Ships and Gunboats. Copy that! said Gold Leader. Blue leader! Harass the cruisers with missiles, and engage the frigates when your tubes are empty. Copy that! cried Harper. Red Leader, send all fighters to Earth and order them to destroy any fighters or gunboats in their way! Aye, Wing Commander! replied the Red Leader. The Destroyers were launching massive vollies of missiles at the Cruisers, and one was already destroyed. Rick came over the intercom again saying, When targets are destroyed, regroup at Mars! There was a hail of Affirmative, Wing Commander!s from the fleet. The Patrol Ships and Gunboat were now attacking the Rebel Destroyers, but their Proton shots did little more that phaze the shields a bit, or for the Destroyers with their shields downed, send showers of sparks flying of the hull leaving scorch marks. The Mantas were pursuing the fighters though, and their Swivel Laser Cannons were blasting away chunks of metal from their hulls, and all of the Confederate fighters were soon annihilated. The original Mantas were now self destructing and launching escape pods for earth. The launched mantas were now streaking at full speed towards Mars. Soon five out of the six Confederate Frigates were destroyed, both the Cruisers, and all of the fighters. The Rebel Destroyers were engaging the last Frigate with heavy Proton fire and it was soon destroyed. Now all of the ships were pooled at Mars, and the Flagship, (the C.S.S. Vengeance) was lumbering towards them firing all its torpedoes away at the mess of ships, which had little effect. Suddenly there was a swarm of shouting voices over the intercom. Red 3 to Wing Commander, I have safely landed on the planet! and, Red 7 to Wing Commander, sir I made it, and Im ready for orders. Stand by! ordered Rick. Everyone, launch the best weapons you have at the C.S.S. Vengeance! When you are out, use your next best weapon!. When your secondaries are depleted, move in and blast away with primaries! Copy that Wing Commander! everyone said at once. The Mantas immediately swarmed forwards and nibbled away at the shields while the Cruisers and Destroyers swamped it with Torpedo and Heavy rocket fire. Soon its shields were gone, and its armor was going fast with the viciously massive amount of Proton and Laser fire it was receiving. Finally, the engines gave one big flare, and gave out entirely while small explosions were heard and seen outside of its hull. All of the ships flew away at top speed as to avoid debris. The surgical strike had been successful. Chapter IV The Defectors
The Confederation had suffered heavy losses. Their blockade had been anhihlated, along with one of their best flagships, the C.S.S. Vengeance. Also, traffic control was reading several armed rebels in polarized Anti - Gamma suits coming towards the science facility. G 1, this is commander 5. Come in! Copy that commander, said a guard at the facility. Prep all your troops for battle. Our blockade has been defeated. The Vengeance and all? Yes. You have your orders. commander 5 out. The guard started walking among his men telling them to set their weapons to the best setting: Gamma Rays. Suddenly, the guard saw several men it suits running towards them. The men started yelling barbarically and shooting red blasts from their Neutron Rifles. The guards returned thin green beams of fire with their Gamma Rays, having no effect. Red Leader, this is Wing Commander! Order your troops to kill all guards and bust into the science facility. Hail me when youre in. Copy that Wing Commander! yelled Red Leader over the intercom. The battle lasted about five minutes before all of the guards lay dead or dying, with holes burnt somewhere in their armor. Wing Commander, this is Red Leader, come in! he yelled. Copy, Red Leader. replied Rick calmly. Were ready to bust in. All guards are dead or dying, and the alarm systems have been destroyed. Ready when you are. Maintain radio silence unless youre in trouble or your objective is completed. Copy that. All men, set your rifles to highest setting. On the count of three, fire copiously! One, two, THREE! There was an almighty blast of blue light, and a loud explosion, then a slow creaking as the door fell off its hinges and fell down. There were many scientists inside, and one commander. A scientist who looked like the leader was reporting to the commander. The Particle Beam is finished, he said. Suddenly, the commander fell dead with a hole where his badge should have been, and purple sparks eating away at the uniform. The head scientist was forced up against the wall, along with the other men there. Were here to take the Particle Beam, said Red Leader. You will not talk to anyone about this, or you and your men will die. Please, my name is Shane Merrol, and you can have the Particle Beam. I never wanted to work for the Confederation anyway, but they forced me at gunpoint. All of my dreams led to joining the Rebellion, and I planned to, but then along came an evil leader of the Confederation, and he forced me and all of my independent scientists and friends to help with his plans. I do not wish to die, but if I have to work with the Confederation any longer, then please just shoot me. Should we really trust that potential bucket of lies he just told us? muttered Red 6 to Red Leader. I dont know, well keep im with us under cover of a gun. Red Leader replied. Shane, you will come with us along with your friends and join the Rebellion, fulfilling your dreams, if that was really the truth, and not just a layer of bull. Oh, thank you, thank you so much, he said, before having a Neutron Rifle pointed at his head. Wing Commander this is Red Leader, we have captured the scientists, and secured the beam. If you dont mind, we could all use a lift. Copy tha- wait!, stand by, weve got a small squad of Patrol Ships and Gunboats coming our way. Well be down in a sec. The Gunboats started launching Heavy Rockets, as the Patrol Ships did missiles. The Destroyers, led by Harper, swarmed forward and engaged them with heavy Proton fire. The squad was quickly anhihlated. But that proved only to be a distraction. For on the planet, there was a small squad of guards, backed by 2 Heavy Laser Batteries, HLBs for short, and a commander, standing in the doorway of the facility. Chapter V The Trap
The Destroyers and Mantas started streaking for Earth, destroying debris, and entering the atmosphere. Stay back, or your scientists die! said Red Leader, flashing a small wink at Shane. Oh, we think that you, and all of your little rebel friends would be dead before your brain sent the message to your finger to pull the trigger, should we attack, said the commander Honorable statement, but it isnt true, Im afraid, replied Red Leader bravely, and opened fire. Five out of the six guards fell dead, with small holes in their chests. The remaining guard was knocked over by a body, and shot. The commander, who was cowardly in dangerous situations, fled, only to be crushed by the wheel of one of the advancing HLBs. Suddenly, 11 Rebel Destroyers, and 20 Mantas swooped down through the open roof, and opened Proton fire on the HLBs, which were quickly anhihlated. Then they extended ramps, scooped up the particle beam, and the men, severely radiation poisoned, jumped on and collapsed. The ships blasted back off of Earth, and jumped back to Palshife. They had succeeded in stealing the Particle Beam. Chapter VI The Particle Beam
Everyone was safe and sound, but the ground team back at Rebel HQ on Palshife. They were being treated for the radiation poisoning that the Proton Cannons had caused. They would be all right, but would have to recover in the hospital for about a week each. Mostly everyone though, was whistling happily in the shipyard or the outfitter, trying to decide how to spend 2,000,000 credits. Harper had been given the Rebel Destroyer, along with his 2,000,000 credits, as an honor award for being quick, and cool headed in tight situations. It was now called the R.S.S. Supernova, outfitted with: four Proton Turrets, four Neutron Blasters, one Manta Bay and three Mantas, An experimental Particle Beam, one Space Bomb Launcher and 10 Space bombs, two Torpedo Tubes and 20 Torpedoes, all of the Speed, Armor, and Shielding upgrades possible, and all of the expected upgrades like a Ramscoop, and a Density Scanner. Shane, was now Chief Scientist for the Rebellion, and was starting to build something he called a Tractor Beam. The Rebellion was sending Field Testers out in Destroyers to use the particle beams on asteroids, and if they were lucky, pirates in the system. It was working beautifully so far, and of course Harper and the R.S.S. Supernova, were first to be asked to test it. More and more people, it seemed, were starting to like Harper, and smiled at him when they passed by. Bellerophon was of course the Tactical Officer on the Supernova, and loved his job. But little did Harper know, the mission that he was about to be assigned. The Particle Beam could help, but not as much as a good, cool head, a maneuverable ship, and a good, obedient crew. Harper was assigned to seek out and destroy the one remaining Alien Battlecruiser, that had been found. Chapter VII The Aliens
We need you to find that Alien Cruiser, Rick was saying. Do you have any idea how much destruction that thing could cause if it is not stopped now? It could destroy entire worlds! Like I said, Im willing to do the mission, but I just cant stop thinking about how dangerous it could be, said Harper. I know you have it in you, said Rick. You could kill them in your sleep. I sure hope so, were the last words Harper spoke before going out to destroy the Battlecruiser.
To Be Continued... ...in Escape Velocity Volume Two
First off, sorry about last week. Power went out on Monday, and I totally forgot about it the rest of the week. : As for yesterday, time wasn't on my side.
However, there is good news for those of you who have put up with my excuses and delays and whatnot: once school starts, I'll be doing two stories a week, one on Monday and one on Friday. I'll only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so that means that I'll have a lot more free time for taking care of this sort of stuff.
Anyway, as for this story, I like how you make what the player would deal with in the game "real," but your writing style could use some work. There are lots of simple sentences, and some of the action occurs too "matter of factly." I'll leave the task of making a more defined description to someone else, as I'm needing to shut down the computer since I just heard a crack of thunder... again. sigh
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I'm gonna tell you my opinion (and don't take offense because in my opinion I suck at writing :p): I thought that everything happened too fast (what with Harper buying a new ship every sentence) Second, you described hardly any emotion that the charactars were feeling (as was a problem I had in my first chronicle(A hard-earned Bounty)) and third, why did the rebellion offer Harper a job in the military just for making a freight delivery? And when he did accept the offer, why did the military trust Harper, a captain of a Clipper, with no previous experience(or atleast none you mentioned)with capital ships, or no current rank in the Navy, as a Captain of a destroyer? I can see a crew member, but a captain... Anyway, I think I might only be pointing out the bad stuff I don't want to dig into that too much. Just thought I'd show you what you could improve. So other than that, good work! 'Looking forward to volume two, (I never did do the rebel campaign ;))
(edit)ElGuapo7: Looking forward to your opinion!(/edit)
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(This message has been edited by Alvin (edited 08-12-2003).)
Art, dammit! The writing was sadly lacking (as noted by Alvin) and seemed to be written in haste. Your characters seemed kind of bland, emotionally and physically.
EVula: The offer for assistance is still on the table, though it sounds like you're not too shabby.
------------------ Man have pity on man
Quote
Originally posted by Alvin: ** (edit)ElGuapo7: Looking forward to your opinion!(/edit)
**
Hoppá! Got myself a fan club, I see.
Righto. I got 2 good newses and 1 bad news, disco. Good news: Your story had good parts. Bad news: Your story had bad parts. Good news: it's all fixable.
Technical:
The technical aspects of your story were a little bit weak. I know that in EV, you really do just run to the outfitters and buy a cannon, but in real life, wouldn't you need a little time to install it?
I could be wrong. Possibly in 2268 a "gun slot" really means "plug the gun there, and it doesn't matter what kind of gun it is". Which actually sounds like a pretty damn good idea. If that's what you mean, great. If that's not what you mean, this needs a little work.
Story:
Alvin, your comments on the story structure were very observant. The descriptions of the action and the people were limited.
disco: It seems like this story is basically one of your pilot files worked up for publishing. Nothing wrong with that. I've done it (and still do it) myself. It just needs polishing and filling out.
Examples: It would be nice (I feel) if you could introduce us to Captain Harper. Tell us about where he's from. Work it into his story. Did his dad fly an Argosy? Is that why Harper wants to fly one?
Who's Bellerophon? I know he's the Greek hero who rode Pegasus, but the poor chum rates 2 sentences in six chapters.
Etcetera.
A disclaimer here: My writing style and preference may not be not your writing style. I like it when you get to know the characters a little bit. Maybe not their whole life, but little details here and there. It gives you a sense that there's more to the character than just 12 point Geneva on the screen.
The last (grammatical) problem actually ties in with the above:
Harper flew his new Shuttlecraft, the Eureka Maru, into the space Dock of Zaxted Starport, looked around, and decided to go to the shipyard and check out the prices for when he would buy a new ship. He started looking around, and finally after about an hour, he decided that his next step would be either to buy a Scoutship, a Courier, or a Defender, but the reason he took so long was because he spent about 30 minutes dreaming of flying an Argosy.
These two sentences need to be split up a little bit. They run on. And this is your perfect chance to detail Harper's life. (Is he of Japanese descent, by the way? I notice the ship name...) There are other sentences in this novella that have the same problem - too long.
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I actually have no issue with how Harper joined the Rebellion. It could be expanded and refined, (maybe telling us why he was so quickly accepted), but not strictly required. Maybe have him rescue a spy or something. Or maybe have a relative in the Rebellion. (I know nepotism sucks, but it's a good plot device. :))
Actually, having a relative in the Rebellion would be a plausible explanation for why he became a destroyer captain so quickly. In fact, if it made some people in the Rebellion jealous of him, you've got a tailor-made plot ready to go!
The first battle scenes need a little work. What's a "spearhead" maneuver? And you destroyed the patrol ship a bit too fast. Harper's not in a Destroyer...yet.
The end battle scenes were good. Crisp, easy to understand. Good fight. Except you provided too much information about the confed commander, "who was always a coward at heart". (Paraphrased, but it was when Harper was stealing the particle weapon.) How would Harper know the Confed commander was a coward? He's never seen him before in his life.
Also, the part where Harper asks around about the Particle Weapon is extremely weak. I mean, walk into a bar and start asking questions...that's just not plausible. Have him contact a spy, or get the Confed dude drunk and pick his pockets. ANYTHING, just not what you wrote there.
Other than that? One sentence caught my eye...where Harper was trying to figure out how to spend 2 million credits. It's run together with something else. It's hard to read.
Feel free to use or disuse my suggestions. If I've missed something, I plead 4 hours' sleep.
For a story, it's a good start, disco. I have high hopes for you. This story is a good base or outline for something that could be very big and very beautiful.
Cheers, Guapo
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(This message has been edited by ElGuapo7 (edited 08-13-2003).)
Your story wasn't bad but it has room for improvement. Take the first step by spicing up character names from stock ones and be less dependant on Andromada Material.
I agree with most of what the previous posters have commented on; ElGuapo7 comments are well said, so I'll try to comment on different things.
You have an interesting plot here, though I was left wondering where you were trying to accomplish with the story.
In Chapter 1, I thought you were doing a pretty good tongue-in-cheek rendition of EV logic. I laughed at the absurdity when your protagonist "...ran to the Outfitter and purchased a laser cannon", despite "look(ing) crazy out here in my Shuttlecraft amongst all these other much more powerful ships trying to defend a space station from a pirate raid." I also enjoyed the dialogue with the Rebel officer: "By the way," asked the official. "You probably know the Confederation hates you by now," he said. "So you might as well join us and help with combat."
Chapter 1 was silly, and I loved it for that reason. Brought back fond memories of EV Classic. If you were going for light humor, I thought the use of the stock names (Stud Beefpile, Dash Riprock) was a great touch. Naturally, this type of humor can only be fully appreciated by fellow EV players.
The first half of Chapter 2 continues in the comedic vein. I got a kick out of the Pirate Defender section and the Rebel officials' comment, "So you have a Clipper now".
There were also far too many details that didn't really add to the story, like buying 2 external fuel tanks and a ramscoop. It's ok when you're writing in humor to another EV geek (like me!), but it's easy for a reader to get bogged down in details when the story takes a dramatic turn...
Starting in the latter half of Chapter 2, I felt that the story, with the advent of the Particle Cannon, was attempting the aforementioned dramatic turn. Not a bad thing, mind you, but the quick pace of light humor doesn't seem to agree with the rising drama. In other words, the story begins to feel rushed, as Alvin has commented previously.
The flat characters that sufficed in humorous roles don't feel round or deep enough in the newly serious roles. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the foundation seems a little weak, but this can be remedied with more character development and slowing the pace down. It's good material, but it needs some polish.
I appreciated the various scenes of light comedy (such as: "Please, my name is Shane Merrol, and you can have the Particle Beam. I never wanted to work for the Confederation anyway, but they forced me at gunpoint. All of my dreams led to joining the Rebellion, and I planned to, but then along came an evil leader of the Confederation, and he forced me and all of my independent scientists and friends to help with his plans..."), and they work well in keeping a light-hearted mood.
Imho, the keys to making this story into a really great one are balancing the humor and action and tweaking with the pacing. It'll be a great action comedy! I'm looking forward to the next chapters!
EDIT- ElGuapo7: what does "Hoppá" mean, btw?
(This message has been edited by Astyanax (edited 08-13-2003).)
Originally posted by Astyanax: **
EDIT- ElGuapo7: what does "Hoppá" mean, btw? )**
Interesting take, Asty...I didn't get the "humor" bit, though. Disco didn't seem to be going for the comedy angle.
Also, feel free to comment on things I've covered. I am by no means a final authority on writing. Disagreeing or adding to things I've said is completely ok by me.
And what does "Hoppá" mean? It's Hungarian - means "Whoopsie" or the closest equivalent thereof. An exclamation of surprise, if you will.
Originally posted by ElGuapo7: **Interesting take, Asty...I didn't get the "humor" bit, though. Disco didn't seem to be going for the comedy angle. **
I would have to agree with Guapo, that disco wasn't trying to make us laugh. I see what you mean though, Astyanax. I did start cracking up too at "so you got a clipper now"
(This message has been edited by Alvin (edited 08-14-2003).)
You guys are probably right about the "comedy angle"; a lot of it did seem unintentional, but in spite of this, don't y'all think that the story could be made into a decent EV spoof? I mean, some of the situations are classic: the Pirate Defender, the cliche repentant Confed researcher... It could be a cult classic: the Spaceballs-equivalent of EV!
That is what jumps out at me: intentional or not, the protagonists' consternation at odd and absurd EV occurrences seems to me, imho, as this story's most immediate strength. I guess it all depends on which direction disco wants to take with the story, though; I hope I (we?) haven't scared him/her off- I'd like to hear about what he/she is thinking...
EDIT- added gender benders
(This message has been edited by Astyanax (edited 08-14-2003).)
I can see your veiw on it as a tounge-in-cheek EV story, and yes it does have some classic seens in it, I think it would be great if He/she did volume two in the same manner.
Disco: like astyanax said, please don't let our critisysm intimidate you. If this's the way you enjoy writing, who cares what we think? We still all (well, atleast I) can't wait for your sequel
Originally posted by vIsitor: be less dependant on Andromada Material.
heh, At the time I wrote this, I was completely obsessed with andromeda. Hence, "Eureka Maru," "Harper," ect.
------------------ That wedge of cheese can't hurt anyone! So don't dread it - it even says not to