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Part 1: A Research Mission?
It is a very lonesome system, there is not one soul for atleast nine light years. Not even the dreadful theif Captain Hector dared to wonder so far off civilization.
I have been working for MXP (Murinu Exploration Program) for about two years now. This is not a branch of the Murinu government but an indipendent organization who's purpose is purly science, exploration and colinization. MXP had recently dicovered a cluster of planets jutting out of the south-east crescent. They estimated there was five star systems, give-or-take one. MXP wished for me to explore all I could, and sample the planets which held oceans and/or oxygen. I accepted. My name is Captain Dave Tylor; my story begins here.
Eight days ago my copilot (Commander Jannet Deigoff) and I took off from an Igadzra starport (we had special allowance) and headed out, leaving the known galaxy. Since then we have been to one system, finding only a blazing blue sun, and a gas planet. This was three days ago, and only minutes earlier we finished our second hyper jump.
"Okay Captain," Jannet says "I'm ready to send the report back to MXP, what do we have?"
"Let's see" I replied "Entering star system KJ-009203D, we have one -25 magnitude yellow star but no planetoids or moons."
"Boy," she said "that's pretty boring. Okay I got it all down and sent."
"Good," I said "then we should be leaving this system by the end of the day, we'll just let the engines cool a bit."
I got off my seat and walked down to the back of the ship.
"You want anything to eat while I'm down here?" I yelled
"What? Oh! Nothanks Captain, but uh, you should come up here and look at this."
I dropped the bag of chips and hurried up to the cockpit.
"what is it commander?"
"Just go and look at your scanner" she said. I sat down with curiosity and exitement. hit the scan button and something came up, it read: 'unknown craft, 2:00 o'clock, 1 mile north east'. I looked out the window; Glowing in front of my scout ship, the Indiana, was a strange white light, not moving, just sitting there calmly. I felt a sensation of energy flow down my body. I began to calm down. This craft ahead, I could tell was watching me, studying me. The hair on my neck rose. Then fascination with this object started to grow. "Did you feel that, commander?" I asked. She was quiet for a moment.
"Yes...yes I did" she said softly.
"Are you alright commander?"
I opened the computer and sent a message to MXP:
'This is the Indiana requesting permision from HQ to advance on unidentified flying object in system KJ-009203D'
I waited a moment while the computer was sending the message. The strange light was still there, not making a move. The computer beeped. HQ had replied.
'MXP HQ to Indiana: permission granted. Do not under any circumstances engage in combat with this craft. Send target report back here.'
But before I moved toward the craft I tried one thing: communicating.
'Greetings. We mean no harm. My name is Captain Tylor. My ship, the Indiana is only a research vessel. We are curious of who you are.'
I sent the message and waited a few minutes. No response came. "hmm, they must not know the common speech." I pushed the throttle forward a little bit and my scout ship began to move. I came closer and closer intil I was only about two hundred fify meters away. It was an amazing sight: a large disk-shaped craft, covered in lights that were slowly changing color: Orange, yellow, white, blue. This order kept repeating like some kind of coded message. And then in a second it sped away going atleast mach 10. I had this sudden urge to chase it. And with exitement I thrust the throttle forward, speeding after it. Then suddenly the object stopped. I could tell what was happening. It was preparing for a hyper jump. It turned and faced north-east. I quickly began to charge up the jump engines. The craft blasted out of the system, me close behind.
for four days we were in the jump and by the end of the first the unknown ship was out of sight. "Are you almost done with that ship report?" I asked Jannet. "Almost, sir." "We've been in this jump four days now, I'm beginning to think there is no---" the ship computer cut me off: 'Proximity alert! proximity alert! sensors indicate star system ahead.' I aborted the jump as three small planets came into view. One was blue and green, the two others were tan, as if desert planets. As I came closer all of my computer systems went hay-wire, and a loud screeching noise echoed through the ship. Then everything shut down. My engines, my computers and my com station.
"Oh @#$%" I said as fear rushed through me.
"wha-what's going on?" Jannet asked, her voice shaking.
"I don't know, I think we entered some kind of magnetic feild."
"Wait," Jannet said, "do you feel that?"
"Yeah." I replied.
The Indiana was slowly moving toward one of the desert planets. "We're in a tractor beam." Then I got that strange feeling again, liking something was watching me, looking at my every move. Then a feeling of tiredness came over me, and I felt myself slowly drifting into a deep sleep. I figure Commander Janet was to, because she didn't say anything, but I didn't care, all I wanted to do was rest.
I woke with a start, there was a whispering inside the ship. I looked behind my chair, and there was jannet, I couldn't see her face, her light brown hair was swung over her head blocking my sight. She was chanting some prayer. "Commander?" I whispered gently, "are you alright?" She didn't answer, I don't think she noticed me. The Indiana made a violont jerk. I was thrown down the hull of the ship and I felt myself hit the cargo bay with a loud bang. A throbbing pain exploded on my face and forehead. I was sure my nose was broken on impact. What was it that threw me? gravity. We had entered the atmosphere. The G-forces slowed down a bit, and after a minute or two I felt the Indiana make a soft landing. I lay on the cold medal floor, dazed and afraid. What was coming next? what was it that pulled me down here with a tractor beam in a star system no one even knew existed? Was who ever did it hostile, or friendly? I didn't know what to expect.
(This message has been edited by Alvin (edited 07-31-2003).)
First off, this is an experiment in how I handle the Chronicles section. Instead of actually editing every story that I read, I'm going to post them as-is so that any flaws that were there when they were submitted are there for you guys to see. Not only does this take the pressure off me (since it takes a while to properly check each and every one), but allows for more constructive criticism of a story (since I'm the only one that sees such flaws, if I don't comment on it, no one will know that they need to work on punctuation or whatever).
As for this story, the premise of an exploratory vessel investegating all sorts of odd stuff in the middle of nowhere is nice. However, I find it hard to believe that two people could get along in tight quarters for two years. Eventually they'd kill each other. Space travel and aliens I can believe, but close proximity and no homicide are just plain fantasy.
Your spelling could use some work, and so could your paragraph formation. Specifically, each bit of dialogue by a character should start a new line, rather than 10 sentences by 2 characters getting run together; it makes conversations hard to follow.
There's also the mystery of whatever it was that they saw. I'm assuming that there's a part 2, correct?
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(quote)Originally posted by EVula: ** However, I find it hard to believe that two people could get along in tight quarters for two years. Eventually they'd kill each other. Space travel and aliens I can believe, but close proximity and no homicide are just plain fantasy. :))
------------------ "Quote it, paraphrase it, soak it in peanut oil and set it on fire. I don't mind in the least." - forge Founding Member of WORRPBOITAMPSH (url="http://"http://guapohq.jonpearse.net")GuapoHQ - for all your Guapo needs(/url) (url="http://"http://insanekp.tripod.com")The Insane Klown Posse Website!!!(/url) **
Thankyou for the criticysm, I'll try to polish up Part II a little more. But when I said "Working for MXP for two years," I meant it had been the charactor's job for that long. This particular mission he has only been on for about a week or two. But I probably didn't make that part too clear
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(This message has been edited by Alvin (edited 07-29-2003).)
Oh, and congratulations on being the 250th chronicle.
Cheers, Guapo
------------------ "Quote it, paraphrase it, soak it in peanut oil and set it on fire. I don't mind in the least." - forge Founding Member of WORRPBOITAMPSH (url="http://"http://guapohq.jonpearse.net")GuapoHQ - for all your Guapo needs(/url) (url="http://"http://insanekp.tripod.com")The Insane Klown Posse Website!!!(/url)
The story was decent, and you may be digging into something good, but the writing was pretty plain. There just wasn't any artistic devices, grammar could use some work, and spelling has already been spoken of.
Guapo: You should post here more. We could use your vast expanse of knowledge far more often.
------------------ Man have pity on man
(quote)Originally posted by Jas86: **
Guapo: You should post here more. We could use your vast expanse of knowledge far more often. I'm blushing.
Sure, why not?
Guapo
your story is interesting and well thought out, but i have a few tid-bits about physical distance... the stars magnitude was good, but distance in space is normally judged by thousands of kilometers (very close proximity is roughly 400 kilometers) and speed (because of the large distances) is normally km/s or something like that, mach 3 is only about 2,000 mph, which is only about 0.5555556 m/s or 0.8888888889 km/s (really slow)
past that the story was good, cant wait for part two
------------------ ever sat outside a pirate station in a Vell-so Arrow and killed things? its fun until the pirate carriers arive... damn carriers!!!
are you nocturnal, el'guapo?
Just to clarify, distances in space between terrestrial objects (planets, moons, asteroids, comets, etc.) are measured in thousands of kms. However, distances between craft (shuttles, stations, satellites) are simply measured in meters. For example, when the astronauts went up to repair the Hubble Space Telescope, it would be impractical for them to measure their distance in kilometers, when they needed to be within only a couple meters.
I suppose the delineating factor is the magnitude of the object one is referring to. If you are 100 kilometers from a planet, you are still within metaphorical spitting distance. However, if you are 100 kilometers away from your average communications satellite, you couldn't even see it with the unaided eye.
Since this story involved drawing close to another craft, I think 300 meters is plausible for a nice, close look.
You are correct about Mach 3, however. It would be fast on the ground, but spacecraft will necessarily have to much faster, or they will still take decades to make any progress whatsoever. The scientists who are currently trying to develop ion and neutron propulsion systems are hoping to address this quandary.
Quote
Originally posted by Alvin: are you nocturnal, el'guapo?
No, he just lives on the other side of the world (roughly), so it appears that he's posting at odd hours at night if he's posting at his lunch time.
Originally posted by EVula: **No, he just lives on the other side of the world (roughly), so it appears that he's posting at odd hours at night if he's posting at his lunch time.
**
Give or take. I'm in the Carpathian Basin. I speak an "orphan language", at least when compared to the surrounding Slavic countries. While the country I currently live in is slightly smaller than Indiana, it led the movement to break up the Warsaw Pact in 1989. It had famous revolutions in 1848 and 1956. National pastime: drinking.
Oh, and it's not fair telling me the answer if it's because I told you where I was.
thank you for the correction/corroboration on the distance thing, but as you said: its relative, so it was actually a warship sized vessle (maybe 1 kilometer in length (some sci-fi universes have average battleship sizes up around that)) then 300 meters is a bit too close for just a simple look or any real manuvering.
Ok I changed the sentence "and sped away going atleast mach 3," to "atleast mach 10" but that probably isn't too fast either come to think of it. But the reason I put "mach 3" in the first place was not so much as to state that this was the UFO's top speed, but as to say that it went from zero to mach 3 in less than a second---that's pretty good excel(as to say not of earthly origin). Before I wrote this I had studied a number of ufo and alien eye-witness acounts(as you will see more in part two) and people claim that these craft will dart at amazing speeds, and in seconds change direction and speed away opposite from where it came(that is, ofcourse in atmosphere). And I was just trying to add that effect into the story.
------------------ am I supposed to put a quote or something here?
I don't have much to add; most of it has already been commented on. You have a good premise, but more details would help me visualize the setting. I look forward to the next installment.
EVula: I think your experiment is just fine, though I'm sure your prior editing efforts were much appreciated!
Originally posted by Alvin: **Ok I changed the sentence "and sped away going atleast mach 3," to "atleast mach 10" but that probably isn't too fast either come to think of it.
Suggestion: Don't quantify everything. Say something about "The ship zoomed away faster than I thought possible - almost faster than I could conceive!"
Metaphors are your friend.
Hey can someone tell me how to quote what someone else said in their reply in my reply? (excuse the way I worded that ;))
Originally posted by Alvin: **Hey can someone tell me how to quote what someone else said in their reply in my reply? (excuse the way I worded that ;))
Hit the reply button above the post you want to quote, instead of the "reply" button on the bottom of the page.
Or, type ( quote ) text you're quoting ( /quote ) (without the spaces in the brackets.
It will look like this:
text you're quoting
Originally posted by ElGuapo7: **Hit the reply button above the post you want to quote, instead of the "reply" button on the bottom of the page. **
Thanks ElGuapo!
Originally posted by Alvin: **Thanks ElGuapo!
You're welcome, Alvin!