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Chapter 7: Welcome to Artrust
The Crasluug fleet slowly approached Artrust. It was nothing new. The Crasluug often sent small patrol fleets past Artrust just to check on it for no one reason in particular.
"Report," the lead Crasluug captain ordered.
"Several Vorna ships attacking a few Thinker vessels near Argus II. A few Vorg ships patrolling space near Lamau. A few small battles here and there between one or two ships. Nothing unusual," the sensor officer reported.
"Nothing new, nothing new. I'm getting sick of this!" the lead Crasluug mumbled.
Suddenly alarms went off on all the Crasluug ships went off. "What is it?" the lead Crasluug asked.
"Fifty-nine Rogue vessels approaching Artrust! Wait a second, another Thirty-two Rebel vessels are accompanying them!! Ahhh! Twenty more sensor contacts! They're the Kitex!!!"
"What are they doing? On screen!! On screen!!" The Crasluug captain screamed. He was panting hard. Crasluug often panicked in unusual situations like this.
The screen showed the large fleet slowly approaching Artrust. Suddenly a Kitex war battleship fired five unusual looking beacons at the subspace distortions. In the center of the distortions, right next to Artrust, they exploded. Each beacon created a huge ball of yellowish-orange tachyon energy than grew to the size of a small moon.
"What the....!!" the Crasluug captain exclaimed.
Suddenly the balls of tachyon energy turned pale blue, and then imploded. The tachyon energy imploded to about the size of a large car, then in a brilliant flash of white, disappeared. And with it the subspace distortions surrounding Artrust.
The Kitex then turned towards the Crasluug fleet, arming their weapons. By now the Crasluug had become extremely panicky. "Turn the fleet around!!! Get us out of here!!!!" the lead Crasluug screamed.
"Sure thing!! We're out of here!!!!" concurred the helmsman.
And with that, the Crasluug fleet turned and streaked back towards their base.
-------------------------------------
"Is the area surrounding Artrust safe?" Mark James asked the Admiral Cramge aboard the R.O.S. Ripper. Mark himself was on the R.S.S. Sovereign.
"Yup, its safe. Tell the Kitex to move in around Artrust, but tell them to stay far enough away so that when the subspace distortions reenergize and reform back to their original position, they won't get hit," Admiral Cramge replied.
"I'll tell them in just a second. They're chasing a Crasluug fleet," Mark replied.
"Order them to come back, those Crasluug are cowards. They're not a threat," Cramge replied.
Soon the Kitex fleet was in position along with most of the Rebel and Rogue fleets. The remaining Kitex, Rebel, and Rogue vessels headed towards Artrust.
The planet was beautiful. Its surface was mostly covered by water, rainforests, swamps, jungles, green grasslands, and normal forests. Mark noticed that there were almost no deserts, and that there was also not very much snow anywhere.
Atrust, Artrusts moon, was almost beautiful. Mark's sensors told him that the moon was hilly, with vast oceans and huge jungles and rainforests. Mark thought to himself that if these aliens were hyperspace capable, Atrust must have been one of their favorite vacation spots.
The large fleet zoomed towards Artrust and its moon. While most of the remaining Kitex ships went towards the moon, most of the Rebel and Rogue ships went towards Artrust.
The Sovereign soared into the atmosphere of Artrust. Mark quickly cleared the upper atmosphere and entered the clouds. The vessel shook gently for about a minute because of some air turbulence, but as soon as the Sovereign cleared the atmosphere, all was quiet and still.
Mark gasped at what he saw. Just over a ridge covered by grass, was a valley. In the valley was a huge city.
"So," Mark said to himself. "Cramge was right. There WAS an ancient civilization that once lived here."
The Sovereign roared over the city, switching from its main engines to its atmospheric engines. Mark marveled at how the city had been so well preserved. It seemed that time had stopped in the city.
Mark suddenly noticed a rather large landing platform on the outskirts of the city. Mark directed the helmsman there and then decided to land on it. As soon as the Sovereign landed, Mark was out of the bridge and heading towards the unloading ramp.
Mark got there just as a platoon of soldiers finished getting ready to step off the ship. Mark put on a backpack and a armaplast vest, and then picked up a Darkstar munitions .41 proton rifle and .39 proton pistol. Then Mark walked off the loading ramp, and became the first non-native person to step onto Artrust.
"All right men," Mark said, turning around to his soldiers who had just walked up next to him. "Search the city. Do not disturb as much as possible. And don't fire on any natives. Now lets go!"
Suddenly the R.O.S. Ripper landed next to the Sovereign. Admiral Cramge, along with two platoons of Rogue soldiers carrying Rogue Tigor .31 Disintegrator rifles, exited the vessel. Mark went over to Admiral Cramge.
"Hello Captain James," Admiral Cramge said, extremely happy. "I've gotten word of many more large and small cities all over the planet. So far we've found 73 cites, and 109 military bases. You seem to have found the biggest."
"Yes, I agree," Mark replied, and then pointed toward some buildings near to where they stood. "I think those are hangers, they might contain vessels from the inhabitants of this planet."
Cramge agreed, and so he and Mark walked towards them. It took Admiral Cramge a minute to find out how to open the hanger doors but he eventually did it. Then Mark and Cramge gasped. Inside was what looked like twelve fully-operational fighters. Mark went over and climbed in one.
He flipped a switch and then smiled as the fighter powered up and the controls lit up. "It appears that all these ships are in perfect condition. Time doesn't seem to have affected them."
"Come on Captain James," Cramge yelled back to him. "I'll have some of my men guard these fighters. I've gotten word that a Rebel officer has found a data core. Come on!!"
Soon Mark, Admiral Cramge, and many more Kitex, Rebel, and Rogue soldiers were looking at a computer screen in a large building near the center of the city. Kovek 92775 was trying to operate the controls. Finally, he said something, "I think I understand the language these aliens used. I will download them onto a Kitex data chip and bring them to my ship. Mark, you can accompany me. I need your help in looking over this data."
"Sure," Mark replied. "I will meet you at your ship in one hour."
In the meantime Matthew Derrk, Luke Aeorg, Captain Qkari, and Vigrov Jaket had no idea what was happening in the Argus system, until a Vorg lieutenant walked in. The first thing everyone noticed was that instead of being the normal black and green Vorg were usually colored, this Vorg looked extremely pale.
"What's wrong lieutenant?" Vigrov asked calmly.
"The... the Kitex... I mean... the Kitex, Rogue, and Rebels, they um... well... visited...." the lieutenants tried to say.
"Could you, um, start over?" Matthew asked.
Finally, after a few tries, the lieutenant just blurted out "THE KITEX, ROGUE, AND REBELS FOUND A WAY ONTO ARTRUST!!! THEY'RE THERE RIGHT AS WE SPEAK!"
Captain Qkari nearly fainted, Matthew and Luke turned pale, and Vigrovs eyes opened very wide. "HOW DID THEY DO THAT!?!" Vigrov exclaimed.
"We don't know, the Crasluug say they used some kind of tachyon beacon. Here is the full report they sent to their homeworld," the Vorg lieutenant said, handing two pads to Vigrov and Luke Aeorg.
After the Vorg lieutenant left, Admiral Aeorg let out an exasperated sigh. "I've had enough! The Rebels, Rogue, Kitex, and just about everyone is going around doing stuff, making plans, and so on, and we are here doing nothing!! Now that the Rebels are on Artrust, we have GOT to stop them!"
"Well, I guess we could, although it would be a calculated risk. If the distortions reenergize while we are attacking, we might never get another chance to get on Artrust! The Rebels would just wait until the right moment, then reopen the distortions. They would obviously have a superior fleet guarding the place. If we attack we must do it quickly, and precisely," Vigrov said.
"Yes, you're right," Matthew said. "Admiral Aeorg, when are those Confed reinforcements due to arrive?"
"Well, they, um, ran into a problem," Aeorg said hesitantly.
"What do you mean?" Vigrov asked.
"They and another Rebel fleet ran into each other in the Aalaar system. They heavily damaged the Rebel fleet, but they lost 1/3 of their fleet, maybe more."
"Well, send for more reinforcements. In the meantime we can quickly organize a fleet to attack Artrust. Vigrov, get as many ships as you can and then you and Admiral Aeorg organize them all. And remember, we have to go quickly!"
Soon Mark and Kovek 92775 were onboard a Kitex, which had landed on the ancient alien's capital city airport.
"Captain James, I have found something interesting," Kovek said suddenly after half an hour of decoding files.
Mark sat up and walked over to where Kovek was standing. He felt a little stiff. The Kitex didn't use or have any chairs, so they had to quickly build one, and it made Mark feel stiff.
When Mark came up behind Kovek, the robot pointed at several words in a certain file being displayed. "These aliens called themselves the Malcoth. They lived 1,000 years, or a millennium, ago. Artrust was their homeworld, and they built massive cities on it and its moon, Atrust."
"This file also says they were a hyperspace-capable race. They colonized all the planets in this system, and many more throughout this sector. And finally, I have something to show you that could change the outcome of this conflict."
Kovek pushed a button and the screen changed. "Little more than a millennium ago, the Malcoth became involved in a conflict with another alien race, called the Rodiens. The Rodiens were slightly larger and slightly stronger than the Malcoth. The Rodiens were also quite warlike, and the Malcoth were more peaceful.
"The war between the two lasted for eight years, and it did not go well for the Malcoth. They kept on loosing planets, and kept on being pushed back. They could not seem to beat the Rodiens, and they're superior war effort.
"Then, after eight years of fighting, the Malcoth decided to finish the conflict once and for all. And so they started building a massive vessel, which could beat any Rodien ship any day. It was so powerful that, with some help from the Malcoth Space Navy, it could finish off the Rodiens completely. They called it the Millennium.
"However, the building off the Millennium took such a strain on their economy and war effort that two years later the Malcoth only held Artrust and Atrust. The Rodiens were on the verge of finally wiping them out. And then something strange happened.
"The subspace distortion fields suddenly out of nowhere. None of the Malcoth knew how they formed.
"Because of the distortions the Rodiens could not get at the Malcoth, and so they returned to their domain, deep in the heart of a string of nebulas. It says the Malcoth didn't know what eventually happened to the Rodiens, but it says they think the Rodiens may have died off. Apparently the Rodiens were highly susceptible to some form of disease that could have wiped them out.
"The Malcoth lived on Artrust and Atrust for a few years. The reached Atrust by using a certain kind of subspace dampener that allowed them to go through the distortions for short periods of time, however they could not leave Artrust or Atrust. The subspace dampener did not last long enough to protect a ship, and enable it to escape the distortions.
"Finally, exactly a millennium ago, a plague broke out, and killed the remaining Malcoth. Because they were so confined, the plague spread quickly. The Millennium during all this time had been completed. It was the size of sixteen confed cruisers, had the weaponry of twenty, and the shields of forty. Before the remaining Malcoth died, they hid it somewhere on Artrust. And I think it still resides here to this day, untouched by time."
Mark and Kovek were silent for a moment. "If we find this, it could REALLY change this conflict. It would be the biggest find and news item ever. It would almost be bigger than the great war. Inform Lewis Steele, Daniel Ramer, Admiral Davies, and Judah Hassid. Get as many of them back here as you can. I'll inform Admiral Cramge myself.
"Should I send out Kitex scouts to look for the Millennium?" Kovek asked.
"Yes, send them out immediately. The sooner we find the Millennium, the better. If the Vorg or any other race found the Millennium before we do, we loose."
ROAR!! An Anaconda Light Warship/Freighter zoomed overhead at the Turin Spaceport. Lewis Steele stood next to a squadron of Manta fighters, waiting for Dash Riprock to arrive. He was supposed to arrive in a black and dark red corvette.
Turin V was an ever changing planet. Ever since the terraformers arrived, Turin V had changed amazingly. While before it was just a small stop, now it was a large spaceport and had a very large outfitting yard and shipyard.
This was all because more colonists had arrived because of the terraformers efforts. Although Turin didn't look different, its atmosphere was now breathable, and some plant life grew, making it more attractive to colonists.
Suddenly Lewis heard another vessel coming in for a landing. He turned and saw the Razor Vengeance, Dash Riprock's personal corvette. Lewis quickly went over to where Riprock's corvette was landing.
Riprock himself was 6' 7" tall and very muscular. Riprock seemed to tower over him when he looked at the mercenary. Dash Riprock was about 31 years old, and had short, brownish-redish-blonde hair, similar to Lewis.
"Captain Steele?" Riprock asked as Lewis went over to him.
"Yeah, I'm Captain Lewis Steele. You Dash Riprock?" Lewis replied.
"Yup, I'm him. When do you want to leave?"
"Admiral Davies said to leave right away," Lewis replied.
Riprock smiled. "Okay then! Lets go! I always did love these missions the Rebellion gave me!"
Soon Lewis and Riprock boarded his corvette and Riprock powered the vessel up. Lewis noticed that there wasn't many crewmembers on board.
"Why ain't there many crewmembers around here?" Lewis asked.
"I don't like having lots of people on board when I do these missions. More chance of someone giving it away. I only keep my most trusted officers on board during these sorts of missions," Riprock replied.
"I see."
After a few minutes the Razor Vengeance was in space, orbiting Turin. Riprock activated the hyperspace then... BANG! The corvette jumped into hyperspace in the direction of Yemuro.
"Is the fleet ready?" Matthew Derrk asked Vigrov Jaket.
"All ships report ready, although I think they are highly nervous with all the subspace distortions around," Vigrov replied.
Vigrov had been able to assemble a few Vorg ships, but the fleet Matthew was now commanding was mostly composed of Confed ships. The damaged Confed fleet had arrived, and was followed closely by another larger Confed fleet that had just decided to join them. Because of that Confed ships composed most of the fleet.
Matthew Derrk was commanding it, and it was now approaching Artrust. The ring of subspace distortions was broken only where Artrust and Atrust were. It was like a rope noose that had been cut by a knife.
"Sir, we are coming within weapons range of the guarding Kitex fleet," Vigrov said.
"Thank you Vigrov. Matthew to all ships, open fire on the Kitex!" Matthew ordered, which was followed immediately by a loud boom that made the ship he was on (the Mars) shudder.
"Matthew!! The Kitex are already opening fire!" Vigrov yelled.
"All ships, move forward and continue firing!!" Matthew ordered.
The two opposing fleets flew at each other. The Kitex fleet was smaller than the Confeds, and the Confeds and Vorg needed it. The Kitex vessels were far superior to the Confeds, and so they had an advantage.
"USS Reaper, move around and attack that Kitex war battleship!" Matthew ordered.
The cruiser USS Reaper, along with its patrol ship escorts, moved around a few Kitex and Vorg ships and then opened fire on the already weakened Kitex war battleship.
The two vessels exchanged huge barrages of fire. The Reaper's four patrol ships then moved in and attacked the Kitex capital class vessel. All four were instantly disintegrated by the Kitex vessels energy beams.
Suddenly the Reaper launched several more torpedoes, then exploded as its core stabilizers liquidated. The shock wave hit the Kitex vessel, and then the torpedoes did. The three projectiles smashed into the side of the Kitex battleship. Within seconds the massive vessel exploded in a violent burst of fire and debris.
Suddenly, two Kitex gunships attacked the Mars. Matthew's vessel responded by a burst of proton fire which instantly destroyed one of the gunships. The other one swung around and fired an energy burst at the Mars. Suddenly, all the lights went out on the Mars, and all the control panels deactivated.
"What happened? Emergency lights!" Matthew yelled.
As the red emergency lights glowed to life, Matthew got up and went over to the tactical officer. "What happened?"
"Kitex energy burst. Disables all systems on a ship if its shields are low," the lieutenant commander replied.
"Sir! The Kitex are beginning to flank us!" the sensor and com officer yelled.
"What? Send some of our ships to protect that area!" Vigrov ordered.
"Too late! Three Kitex War Battleships are beginning to flank us! All but two Vorg ships have been destroyed!"
"What do we do?!" Vigrov asked, desperate.
"Retreat," Matthew replied. "They've won this round."
"What's happening? What are the Confeds doin?" the Rogue helm officer asked.
"Retreating," a weary Mark James replied. "The Kitex were able to flank them. However, they suffered heavy losses. The Confeds and Vorg dealt them a severe blow. With the Kitex weaken, and most of their other ships tied up with battles between them and the Vorna, our position has been weaken."
Mark James was on the Rogue Marauder Vengeance II. He had quickly gotten aboard when the attack began.
"Sir, I am detecting a fleet of Thinker warships approaching our position," the Rogue tactical officer said suddenly.
"Oh great!" Mark exclaimed. "Here we go again!"
Zoom! Bang! The Razor Vengeance hyperspaced into the Sol system. Lewis looked uneasily at the many Confed warships in the system. He had been accustomed to fighting Confeds, not being friendly too them.
"Corvette 262, designation 'Razor Vengeance,' requesting immediate landing," Riprock said into the com link.
"Corvette 262, permission granted. Docking bay 7B," the Earth dockmaster replied.
The Razor Vengeance glided down through the atmosphere. As soon as they cleared the clouds, Lewis gazed upon the sight that he had been wanting to see all his life: France. Lewis himself was actually French, though absolutely no one could tell just looking and listening to him. However, Daniel Ramer and Judah Hassid had always said that they, if they listened hard enough, could detect the slightest trace of a French accent in Lewis voice.
The Razor Vengeance soared over France, over the English Channel, and then on to Great Britain. The Razor Vengeance then glided down into a Confed docking bay in London.
Riprock turned to see Lewis putting on a shoulder holster and back holster. In the shoulder holster he put a simple but durable Proton Pistol, but in the back holster he put a TAW-589 Neutron Submachine gun, his preferred portable weapon. The TAW could be carried almost anywhere. It was reliable, portable, easy to use, and highly deadly. However, when he put this one, we was worried about Confed guards, who were rumored to have back holsters with LAR-1 Uzi III Proton Submachine gun.
Riprock walked off the Razor Vengeance while Riprock stayed and waited for Lewis. Meanwhile, Lewis looked at a small data pad which had information on Karen James, which included a photo of her (which Lewis needed, since he needed to identify her without raising suspicion). Karen was 19, about 5' 10", three inches shorter than Lewis. She had dark, brown hair, like her father.
Lewis walked casually through the London Spaceport, looking around for anyone who looked like Karen. Lewis then noticed that there were an unusually high amount of guards around the area. Lewis continued to walk through the entire spaceport, continuing his search for the Rebel agent. After an hour, most of the Confed guards suddenly left, for no apparent reason.
Lewis, after an hour of waiting, decided to get a snack. He went to a vendor machine and got himself a soda and then continued to walk around. After a while, his legs got tired and Lewis was forced to sit down. "Where is she? Shouldn't she have been here by now?" Lewis thought to himself, getting up and beginning to search some more.
As Lewis was nearing a T-junction, he suddenly heard proton and laser blasts from around the corner. He froze, preparing to reach up and grab his TAW Neutron laser gun. A few stray laser bolts missed their targets and smashed into the wall to Lewis' left, causing civilians and Confeds to duck and scream in terror.
Then, two Confed guards standing near him ran towards the shots and rounded the corner, only to be blasted by a few laser bolts. Lewis jumped back, just as a woman wearing civilian clothes rounded the corner and started running away from several Confed guards, her face echoed with fear, and she carried a laser blaster in her left arm, and a backpack in the other. She appeared to be tired and was gasping for breath.
Then a guard standing directly next to Lewis suddenly reached up behind his back and started to pull out a LAR-1 Uzi Proton submachine gun. Lewis, seeing him, drew back and then jabbed his right elbow into the Confed guard, making him crumple to the ground in agony.
Lewis reached up and grabbed his neutron laser gun and aimed it at the nearest chasing Confed guard. As he fired, blasting the Confed guard and making him do a backflip, a hand grabbed his should and thrust him around. Lewis then stared into the eyes of another Confed guard. No stopping for a second, Lewis drew back his hand and then slammed it into the guards face, sending him sprawling to the ground. The guard quickly got up and lunged at him. He was bigger than him, so Lewis swung his TAW at him, which sent him into the nearby wall.
By that time the woman, who Lewis recognized as Karen James, had reached him. Suddenly, she stumbled, and out of breath crumpled to the floor at Lewis' feet.
Lewis then fired a few more shots at the pursuing Confed guards, making them sprawl for cover. He then slung the Neutron laser rifle over his shoulder, and got out his AG-1010 Fusion gun. As two Confeds guards started running towards him, Lewis fired on them, hitting one and missing the other, causing the bolt of fusion energy to smash into the wall and send sparks flying.
Seeing his pursuers temporarily hiding, Lewis bent down and grabbed Karen and then pulled her to her feet. He and Karen then started running towards the Razor Vengeance. Lewis then spotted an emergency door which led directly to the tarmac. Lewis, pulling the exhausted Karen along, bolted for the door. As Lewis slammed into it, several proton bolts smashed into the walls near him.
Lewis and Karen then raced down the stairs that led to the landing field. Once on the tarmac, Lewis activated a small beacon that would tell Riprock to prepare to take off. As the two ran towards the hanger, the emergency door opened and five Confed guards ran out at top speed, pulling out their LAR Uzi IIIs.
By that time Lewis, a football player and excellent runner, was exhausted, and his feet felt like lead. He was especially worried about Karen, who was gasping. Lewis had to constantly hold her hand and pull her along to make sure she didn't just collapse right then and there.
Suddenly, Lewis heard the load roar of a ships engines, but there were no ships in the air. Then, Lewis saw the Razor Vengeance start to pull out of her hanger and taxi towards Lewis and Karen.
All of a sudden several proton bolts smashed into the ground at Lewis' feet, causing him and Karen to stumble and fall. Lewis had to resist the urge to stop and rest, and then pulled himself and Karen up and continued running.
Lewis then looked back and saw the Confed guards getting into a hovercar. "Great," Lewis thought, "now they'll get us."
As Lewis and Karen neared the Razor Vengeance, the Confed hovercar was now extremely near them. But then, Lewis saw one of the Laser turrets on the Razor Vengeance activate, turn towards the hovercar, and then fire! The laser blasts smashed into the engine section, rendering the car immobile. As the Confeds scurried to get out of the car, the laser turret fired again, reducing the car to a flaming chunk of debris.
"Lewis! Hurry up!" Lewis turned to see Dash Riprock waiting on the load ramp, waiting for Lewis and Karen. As Lewis reached it, he and Riprock had to help Karen onto the ramp because it was about 3 and a half feet off the ground (to allow the Corvette to move onto the landing field). Lewis then quickly got aboard, and Riprock close the loading ramp.
Lewis and Karen flung themselves onto the floor, and Riprock ordered the commander of the corvette to take off then set a course for Palshife. "Well, don't I have good timing?" Riprock asked.
"Yeah, you... really... do..." Lewis replied, still gasping for air. "You okay?" he asked Karen.
Karen couldn't reply, just nodded her head, and continued to gasp for air. After about a minute, Lewis felt good enough to stand up. As he stood on his unsteady legs, Karen continued to just lie on the ground. Riprock and Lewis then helped her into her quarters and onto her bed to rest. Riprock and Lewis then went back to the bridge.
"So, what kind of information do you think she has?" Riprock asked.
"Admiral Davies said something about Confed assassination plans, new weapons, fleet movements, all that kinda stuff," Lewis replied.
"You made quite a run back there," Riprock commented, looking at the sensor screen to make sure no Confed ships were pursuing them.
"Yeah. I haven't made that big a run in months. I'm surprised Karen made it at all," Lewis replied.
Riprock nodded, and then ordered the helmsman to go into hyperspace. And with that, the sleek black and red corvette hyperspaced out...
Blam!! Blam!! Blam!! The Rogue marauder pounded the Vorna cruiser with its plasma pulse launcher. Finally, the Vorna ship imploded.
Mark James watched it as the Rogue vessel turned around and headed back towards Artrust. "How soon till the subspace distortions close in again?" Mark asked.
"Two minutes."
"Tell the rest of the fleet to withdraw back to Artrust, and inform Admiral..."
"Sir! Crasluug fleet approaching!" yelled the sensor officer.
"How soon till the distortions close!?" Mark asked.
"Thirty seconds!"
"Retreat back to Artrust! The Crasluug won't be able to attack us when the distortions close!"
The Rebel cruiser swung around and headed back towards the planet as the Crasluug ships neared them. Just as the Rebel fleet entered the atmosphere, the distortions began to close rapidly. The Crasluug got frightened (which is typical of their species) and they retreated. Mark James had just barely made it.
(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 05-05-2003).)
Much better, due primarily to the fact that it didn't deal with nearly as much action as the other parts have. The Crasluug seem quite rediculous; why do they have warships if they freak out and retreat as soon as they attack? Also, I still think that you provide details in a dry, just-the-facts fashion a bit too much; while it is nice to know exactly what Karen looks like, to have the same exact phrase (meaning that you provide exact dimensions) to describe each new character every time gets quite repetitive.
Also, just a pet peeve: "'Oh great!' Mark exclaimed. 'Here we go again!'" is possibly one of the cheesiest lines I've read in a long time.
Something else that I feel I need to mention: you don't need to provide specific details each and every time. I've already discussed this in relation to introducing characters, but stuff like "we've found 73 cites, and 109 military bases" is just a bit too specific to be really realistic (well, as realistic as finding alien cities and military bases on a planet can be). Having that character say "we've found about seventy cities, and over a hundred military bases" would flow much more naturally.
All criticism aside, I think this is the best of the four parts I've read so far. Keep up the good work.
------------------ (url="http://"http://www.evula.com/")EVula,(/url) your friendly (url="http://"http://www.evula.com/")self-promoting(/url) EV & EVO Boards/Addon/Newswire/Chronicles moderator (url="http://"http://www.evula.com/")evula.com(/url) | (url="http://"http://www.evula.net/")evula.net(/url) | (url="http://"http://www.evula.org/")evula.org(/url) | (url="http://"http://www.ev-nova.net/")ev-nova.net(/url) :: (url="http://"http://forums.evula.com/")Lair Forums(/url) (url="http://"http://pftn.evula.net")pftn(/url) | (url="http://"http://dreamwave.evula.net")dreamwave(/url) | (url="http://"http://davidarthur.evula.net")davidarthur(/url) | (url="http://"http://ucplugs.evula.net")ucplugs(/url) | (url="http://"http://jager.evula.net")jager(/url) | (url="http://"http://stark.evula.net")stark(/url)
Yet again another great story, this time i think you've out-done your self
------------------ The assasins the one that holds the gun but homeworks the one that kills you.
I agree with EVula.
ANother thing is that this one seemed to have more flow than the others, but one thing is to remember that pronouns are your friends. One of your paragraphs said "Mark," about six times in a row.
Still need emotion, art, and poetry, but you tell me it shall come soon.
------------------ Man have pity on man
Agreed. After reading the chapter (which, admittedly, I haven't done in a while :)), it does seem better than the previous ones, and I can see what you mean by overdoing it on the detail and too much repetetiveness.
Oh yes, and I'll fix up the Crasluug persona in the next part.
------------------ Those who would ignore reality are doomed by it. -------------- Millennium has arrived. See it at the (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiasw.com/cgi-bin/ubb/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number;=20&SUBMIT;=Go")EV Chronicles(/url)
Really I have nothing to add that has not already been said. I only felt that I should lend my support. This story is a definate growth for you. I think that the future hold great promise as long as maturation continues.
Keep it up!
------------------ Death is inevitable... How will you face it? (url="http://"mailto:wolf-sigma@excite.com")mailto:wolf-sigma@excite.com(/url)wolf-sigma@excite.com