EV/EVO Chronicles: Sarian Rifter

"Sir, two pirate vessels closing in on the Liquidator."

Sarian Rifter looked at his forward viewscreen before he yelled his orders.

"Launch hellhound missiles and move in on attack vector!"

The Retribution gracefully turned to face the two intruders, preparing its primary weapons. The two vessels were moving in on the freighter at breakneck speed, but not so fast as to maneuver a missile. Both ships were incinerated in a single, large blast.

"Thanks Sarian, but I think you underestimate us."

"Oh, why?"

"Just because I pilot a freighter doesn't mean I'm not defenseless."

"So that's why I'm being paid to escort you, huh?"

Sarian's voice showed a hint of sarcasm. He quickly told his officers to make the jump to hyperspace and to alert him when they were two hours away from their destination.

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Laying on his bed, in his cramped quarters, Sarian's thoughts were of his past.

It hadn't always been like this. No, he could still remember when he tried to make a living legally. He had always wanted to have his own ship so he had signed up as a pilot for the Federation Navy. He was part of Omega Squadron, and he was assigned an Anaconda. On his first assignment, he got a short briefing from his squadron commander. The full briefing was then sent to his ship. It read:

Security Code-frtog76y-3
Omega 3

Proceed to Alphara System. Refuel at SD1. Rendezvous with Omega 4 and proceed to SD2. Report to Docking Bay 89 for debriefing.-W

I guess he doesn't like to write in complete sentences, mumbled Sarian. Sar, (as he was now called for short) hadn't gotten enough sleep. Nevertheless, he climbed into his ship and awaited the commanders orders.

Five days later, he was at SD2's bar, quietly sipping an Aldebaranian ale. Suddenly, a high ranking officer rushed in," Get to your ships, an Auroran fleet approaches..."

(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 10-07-2002).)

A rather short story, it would have been a bit better if you'd actually fleshed out what had happened. Also, the "teaser" for the next story wasn't that compelling; good for the character, he's got a battle to fight. If you'd kept with the story and he'd fought the Aurorans but ended up drifting in space, that would have been more suspenseful. Also, it would have been nice to know what kind of ship Sarian was piloting, what type of freighter it was, and what the pirate vessels were.

Details, details, details.

Also, you need to have correct punctuation at the end of your sentences (I fixed it when I checked the story). Just because it's a quote doesn't mean it doesn't get a period.

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(url="http://"http://www.evula.com/")EVula,(/url) your friendly (url="http://"http://www.evula.com/")self-promoting(/url) EV & EVO Boards/Addon/Newswire/Chronicles moderator
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Yakht aij, I really get irritated by these short cliffhanger stories. Kajht!

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(url="http://"http://www.angelfire.com/mac/bluesuedecat/")Shade's Shipyard(/url), the source for your ship needs.
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I think a little work is required. But if you are willing to put out the effort and write EVERYTHING that happens...I think you might find a more appreciable audience. Also, write the story longer. Yah, at least 4 pages on your computer I think.

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