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(Posted on 12-16-2000)
The Reaper Chapter 1
It was a dark day in airlock 7, for Jeff had just accidenttaly thrown out his pet hamster who had been eating garbage. Of course Jeff had no friends so his hamster had to suffice. On his way to the galactic pet store, located on Paaren station, he recieved a distress call.
"Calling all units! Calling all units!Requesting back-up!Under fire from unknown sourse!kkkkkkkkkkkhhhhhhhhhkhkhkhkhk"
The speakers went dead and very quickly Jeff landed on Paaren station to find out what the monkey just happened!
It was the talk of the bar! Report after report were coming in about an unknown alien menace attacking and destroying UE military vessels.
DING DING DING! Dr.Tom was standing at the front of the room with a sonic voice projector.
"ALRIGHT!!! Whoops had it set on "Geography Teacher". click Now we all have heard about this unknown alien menace that we like to call the "Reaper."
"Why are we going to call it the 'Reaper'?" Called someone in the back named Aqua.
"Because we. . .er . . .just had a vote on it! Ya that's it. . . Anyway! All of you have been assigned a strong UE assualt craft for your mission"
"What mission?" Called Jeff. "This is a spaceport bar!"
"Haven't you heard about law 8934548965824796578469857234658723465782465892764357982645?" It states that you must aid fellow UE officials if they are in desparate need of assistance."
"Oh."
"Well, Back to what I was saying, you have been assigned 'Destroyer' class vessels. If you have a vessel that is possibly stronger that the destroyer please use that instead!"
"But I just had mine turtle waxed this morning!" called out Musapi.
"Do you want to meet my little friend, Mr Laser pistol?!?!!" Tom Yelled.
"Won't your killing of me be bad for this "mission" because you need all the pilots you can get?"
"We could train monkeys to fly your ship."
"Lets go Pilots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
-To be continued
The Reaper Chapter 2
The wing of destroyers flew out from the docking ring on Paaren station. They weren't all destroyers. There were 16 destroyers, one Igadzra piloted by Musapi and a Crescent warship pilotted by U-99. Unknown to them they were being watched. They reached the last known co-ordinate of the most recent attack. As the wings jumped out of hyperspace, the grim spectacle was unfolded in front of them. None of the ships were "blasted" away instead the ships were sort of "torn" apart
"ccckkk-D4 to D9: Jeff you there?-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-I'm here-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-This is damn creepy-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-All wings report in in-ccckkk"
All 18 wings reported back.
"ccckkk-Jeff, this is the worst. I can see myself dying today.-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-This is Jeff's communication officer, Jeff is having a shower right now.-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-Okay, all wings start examining the fragments of wreckage.-ccckkk"
All 18 wings started rooting through the wreckage. Then an eerie sound started echoing around the ships.
"ccckkk-What the heck is that?!?!!!ccckkk" Was blasted over the comm channels by Musapi.
"ccckkk-Sorry, it's just Jeff singing in the shower-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-Could you open a comm channel to the shower room?-ccckkk" Yelled Musapi at the comm officer.
"ccckkk-Will do. Channel open.-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-JEFF!!! EVER SEEN THE MOVIE PSYCHO?-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-Sorry. I just get the urge to sing!-ccckkk"
It was then that destroyer #6 had one of its fuel tanks explode violently. It spun out of control before exploding violently. Destroyer#7 had the bridge literally cut off from the ship.
"ccckkk-Fall Back! All wings fall back!!!!!!!-ccckkk"
One after another destroyers started jumping away. At about the same rate destroyers were getting "Cut up" Once back at Paaren station, Dr Tom surveyed the scene.
"ccckkk-It is a dark day for the UE-ccckkk"
Jeff stepped onto the bridge of his ship with dripping wet hair and said, "What did I miss?"
-To be Continued
The Reaper Chapter 3
Back at Paaren station Dr.Tom and the rest of the fleet had assembled in a proper assembly hall. The fleet had called in a superior military tactition, Ben, to aid them in finding out what the monkey was attacking the UE ships. The fleet had contacted the Voinians, the Miranu, the Zidigar, the Igadzra and the Azdara to find out if they were having similiar attacks. Unfortunatly they weren't.
"Alright everyone! We must discuss this very important matter of the attacks of this 'Reaper'!"
"Why must we call it the 'Reaper'?" called Aqua.
"Do you want to meet my little friend Mr pistol?" Tom threatened.
He handed the sonic voice projector to Ben.
"As you might now know we are rather short on crew members. I'm not talking about pilots I'm talking about the crew on the destroyers. Every time one gets destroyed, we lose too many people. So I set before you today, the Monkey Solution!"
As he said that a bunch of monkeys walked in wearing UE navy hats.
"Are you sure these aren't just a bunch of regular monkeys wearing hats?" inquired U-99.
Dr. Tom flashed his pistol and U-99 quickly shut up.
"Do these monkeys have any training?" asked Musapi, who had a tall glass of sherry in front of him.
"I was just getting to that" Ben replied rather quickly. "These monkeys have been trained at only the finest of zoos. Has anybody heard of the institute for monkeys with an IQ over 6?"
Nobody replied to that.
"Are you sure these monkeys know how to fly a Destroyer?" U-99 asked.
"Well we were going to put them on a destroyer and see what they do"
"Are you sure that is such s good idea?" U-99 replied. "I mean what if the monkeys just blow up the ship. You've wasted a perfectly good destroyer."
"You might want to know that monkeys built that Destroyer"
"MONKEYS ARE BUILDING UE SHIPS!!!" Musapi was obviously mad.
"You can train monkeys to do anything these days!" said Ben.
There was a loud thud as Jeff's head hit the table. And a loud snorring noise followed.
"Jeff!!!"
"unnnng..."
"Back to what we are talking about. The monkeys will command seven ships. Now, to our our sensor expert, Ford Prefect."
Ben handed the sonic voice projector to Ford.
"We have studied the sensor logs of the surviving ships and that has reavealed that the "thing" attacking the ships is not a ship, it a life form that can only be seen by a certain wavelength emmited by the sensors. Now we have a theory to what it might be. . ."
-to be continued
The Reaper chapter 4
"-as I was saying," continued Ford.
A mysterious figure in the back stood up, oh wait, it's just U-99.
"Uh Ford, sir, why are you acting so professional? You're a nutcase normally!"
Ford motioned for U-99 to come up the front of the hall and he whispered in his ear-
"-It's because I get payed 2000 credits an hour to act phony-"
"-oh-"
"Back to as I was saying. . . This thing attacking our ship is a creature or a life form to be exact. It is speculated that is has come into this dimension by a rift or portal created by harmful exhausts coming from UE ships. We have never had a problem with this "exhaust" before but we believe that the monkeys that install the filters on UE engines are slacking. We plan to go back to the site of the last massacre----------sorry. Receiving transmission----------It appears that a transport has been destroyed on its way to Earth"
"What was it carrying?" Questioned Musapi.
"A vaccine for a Baboon disease."
"What disease?"
"The Baboononic plague"
"oh."
"We have now developed a new phased beam called the "Reaper Beamer". We have made it so it will break the alien's interference field."
"Will it harm the alien(s)?" said the always thoughtfull Aqua.
"Oh it wont harm them. . . It will kill them."
"Are you sure that is a good idea while the rift is still open?"
Dr. Tom flashed his pistol and Aqua shut up.
"We have found one catch to the whole plan. The beamer is on a very short-lived battery. It will probably only last a few seconds."
"Wont that just anger the aliens more?" Aqua again
"Eh hem hem!" Ben interrupted.
"Oh yes! Back to Dr.Tom."
"Ah yes! We re-assigned everyone destroyers again-"
Just as he said that, He was interrupted by as loud klaxon blare. Over the PA the constant message was repeated:
"ALL HANDS TO BATTLE STATIONS! ALL HANDS TO BATTLE STATIONS!"
"What the heck is this?" asked Jeff?
"The aliens are here!" Yelled Tom "Everyone to their ships!!!!!!!!!!"
The Reaper Chapter 5
The station was in total havoc. The "creature" was slowly slicing it to bits. All the people that were assigned destroyers and other ship barely made it to the docking ring before the hall behind them collapsed.
"Now what do we do now?" yelled Jeff. The din was unbearable.
"Getting into our ships might help a bit!!" Ford replied.
"Hmmmmm. Good idea, Ford, what book did you read that in?"
But Ford was already on the bridge of his destroyer, the Kytarii Captive. One by one the destroyers deployed from the ring and set out to destroy the life form. The carnage out there was horrifying. The prime defense of UE fighters sat in a clump sliced up wreckage. All around them there were ships getting the hulls torn apart.
"ccckkk-Attention all wings! Charge the ReaperBeamer!-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-locking on. . .-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-Fire!-ccckkk"
One by one a barrage of beams shot out of the destroyers concealed turrets. The first one to hit the spot was U-99's. All of a sudden it looked as if there was a "rip" in space. The creature started to pass through the rip and came into the open. The creature almost could be called a dragon. It was very large and extremely ferocious looking. The only thing that looked different on it was a large shell covering almost all of its body. Scythe like tentacles came out of slits and were actively carving up ships.
As more beams hit the creature it was obvious that they were hurting it. It writhed as beams slashed at it's shell but it continued to attack. One by one the destroyers ran out of juice for the beam and were faced with an agonizing dilemma. Should they save themselves and run or die like idiots trying to fight the enemy that could not be killed. Eventually all the destroyers were empty of juice.
"ccckkk-Has anyone out there got any beamer juice left?-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-oo oo ee ee ee ah ah ah ooooo-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-Damn monkeys!-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-It told you the monkeys were a bad idea! I told you!!-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-Do want to meet Mr. Pistol. . .Oh wait. . .Do you want to meet Mr. Unguided rocket?-ccckkk"
"ccckkk-I say we retreat-------------wait! Look at the monkeys!ccckkk-"
Musapi was right. The monkeys were doing something. Actually they were heading strait for the "creature" that has now been named the "Reaper". The monkeys were going on a kamikaze course for the creature! The Reaper tried to defend itself but it was too tired. The monkeys slammed headlong onto the Reaper and it erupted into a fireball. When it all cleared, an eerie glow cast across the Black Morass . . .oh wait that's Warcraft. an eerie glow did cast across the spot where the once mighty Reaper had been.
"ccckkk-Everyone go to Earth. We have much planning to do.-ccckkk"
The wings all started to jump into hyperspace, of course they didn't hear the small cry of Jeff who was still standing on the Paaren station docking ring.
"Those damn monkeys stole my destroyer. . . . . . . . . . . . ."
Back on Earth, the fleet had assembled in another boring assembly hall. Of course, nobody noticed the absence of Jeff who had been left on Paaren station alone. To add to problems in this crusade to rid the UE space of the Reapers, other races such as the Voinians and the Miranu were now reporting similiar attacks and blame the UE for this. The Voinians being already hostile were getting madder and the Miranu wanted to send a fleet to help with the efforts. The main topic today was splitting up the fleet so that half would go to a science lab on New Chicago. Dr Tom was standing in the front about to explain to everyone why some people were going to New Chicago.
"As you must all be wondering right now, I do have the reason for why some of you are going to New Chicago. There is a scientist that is developing 2 things. He is making a battery that has a far better capacity then that of the ones you have now. He is also developing a better "reaper beamer. ----What?---Oh crap!----I am reluctant to announce that the Voinain system of Vorik has been heavily damaged. Now as this might be good news for some, in retaliation to this attack the Voinians are sending a warfleet of many ships to destroy all of our shipyards that have monkeys working there."
"Where are those shipyards?" Asked Musapi.
"On Earth mainly."
"Won't it be hard for the Voinians to attack Earth?"
"Well yes. But the recent losses that we have suffered have made our forces a tad weaker."
"But haven't the Reapers been attacking them as well?"
"Look, pal, all we know is that the Voinians are really mad at us right now and are sending a massive warfleet."
"But are we going to stop building ships made by monkeys now?"
"No. Now that the Voinians are preparing to attack, we need ships more than ever."
"But won't that just make it worse!?!"
"No more questions! Now back to the point. We have assigned the following people to go to New Chicago: Musapi, Harry Warriner, Jerkus McDerkus, Mark Halley and Jeff. Role call! Musapi!"
"Here.
"Harry Warriner!"
"Here."
He called out all the names on the list but when he got to Jeff, there was no reply. He called again and again but there came no reply. It took until Ben came over and whispered in his ear that Jeff was not here.
"Okay. It appears that Jeff is not present. But who really gives a damn?"
The silence that followed was deadly.
It was then that U-99 stood up in the back and asked a rather good question.
"So. . .What will the other fleet do?"
"I was coming to that! You people have no patience! Uggh! Well now that my next mini-speech has been givin away I guess I should start then. What do y'all think?"
"Stop stalling! I'm getting tired of your ongoing rambling about nothing!" Yelled Aqua. Rather a large temper.
"Okay, Okay. Well as I was about to say before Aqua had to give that brutal temper flare on me, which I might add, hurt my feeling a lot. So before we go any further lets all have a lesson on good manners."
"Noooooooo! Just get to the damned point! I'm this close to taking a scalpel and cutting out your kidneys!"
"Okay, fine. Well before I continue I would like to say that---"
At that moment Aqua stood up with a scalpel in hand and tried to take the kidneys out of Dr Tom. To be quite blunt the knife was blunt. Aqua quickly realized this and sat down muttering almost every known curse word in the English language.
"Okay this time I'm seroius. The rest of the fleet is going to try and defend against the Voinians."
"How are we going to do that in Destroyers?" Asked U-99
"Well, we have re-assigned you UE Cruisers that we have been saving for a rainy day. Oh that reminds me, Ben look out the window."
Ben went over and looked out the window as he was told to.
"Yes sir! Definately raining!"
"Okay! Everyone to their ships!
Back on Paaren station, in the midst of the nearly destroyed station, sat Jeff. He sat in a lonely hanger with no friends to help him out. Suddenly a mouse scurried over to where Jeff was sitting. Jeff looked down at the mouse and said,
"Aw, poor mousie! You'll be my friend?"
The mouse came closer to Jeff. Then it came even closer. It came so close that Jeff was sure he could grab it if he tried. It came to the point where it's nose was touching Jeff's hand. Jeff thought that this mouse might actually like him! But then it happened! The mouse lunged forward and bit deep into Jeff's finger!
"Ow!!! You Son Of A--! Wait. . .No sense yelling at a mouse. I won't make any new friends like that."
He knelt down and looked eye level at the mouse, who was on the other side of the room, and said,
"I'm sorry I yelled at you like that! You must've been hungry! If you be my friend, I'll get you some food!"
As before the mouse came forward slowly. When it came as close as it was before, Jeff said,
"That's it mousie. I'm your friend! You're a good mouse!"
Then the mouse jumped up high in the air and grabbed on to Jeff's face, biting his nose!
"Ahhh! You damn mouse! When I get you off of there, I'm gonna cook you!
The mouse didn't let go. So when Jeff finally did got the mouse off, he cooked it. It was a small meal but never-the-less it was a good meal! When Jeff was finished he got up and saw one of the slightly damaged sensor panels near him was bleeping wildly. He went over and saw what it said-----
---To be continued (In chapter 7)
(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 12-16-2000).)
Have you ever seen the movie "Airplane" or any of the Monty Python movies? This story of yours really reminds me of those movies. Hahaha! See, at first, when I first started reading it, I thought you were on crack, because I was taking the story way too seriously. Then, I saw what you were trying to do (I think) with it, and by the end of the story, I was very amused and shaking my head at the insanity of it. Well, it was a good story. I mean, it wouldn't be too good if you were actually being serious with it, because there were quite a few historical and logistical errors (don't ask what I mean by that) that would've bugged me if you were being serious. But it's all right for this story.
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Everyone ALWAYS says im on crack! whats with that? Like, never any other drugs, ALWAYS crack! What am i missing here? Thank you, i know it is very innacurate, im not good at writing real literature joke joke. But all comments are appreciated.
------------------ -Beige
Beige, You are BeigeJaguare, aren't you? If so, why the name change? I wanted to e-mail you to let you know your story was up, but since "Beige" was unregistered, I didn't want to assume it was you. I wonder if people realize that the characters in your story are people from the old discboards? BTW, sorry, I had to edit it a bit. A couple of the lines were kind of vulgar for a public forum. Glad you're back! Jude
That's damn funny!
------------------ Visit my EV site (url="http://"http://www.angelfire.com/indie/thecatacomb/index.html")The Catacomb(/url) My (url="http://"http://pub40.ezboard.com/bthecatacomb")Unnoficial EV boards.(/url) If a tree falls in a forest,and no ones around to hear it, does it make a sound? "Winning isn't everything, but wanting to win is."
Quote
Originally posted by Jude: **Beige, You are BeigeJaguare, aren't you? If so, why the name change? I wanted to e-mail you to let you know your story was up, but since "Beige" was unregistered, I didn't want to assume it was you. I wonder if people realize that the characters in your story are people from the old discboards? BTW, sorry, I had to edit it a bit. A couple of the lines were kind of vulgar for a public forum. Glad you're back! Jude **
Heh, i edited it before i sent it. . .funny. . .Yeah, i think i was registered as Beigejaguar33 or Beigejaguar before, but i guess it got deleted.
------------------ Aim: Beigejaguar33 ICQ: 70345545 "In theory, anything's possible. In thoery, dirt is edible." -Beige
Great! Couldn't stop laughing . Hope To see more Quickly. Obviously not much of an Animal friendly story :frown: , (Suicidal monkeys, Hamsters floating in space, and mice for dinner) But still Highly amusing.
------------------ <XXXXXXXL===============> When did I go Insane? <XXXXXXXL