EV/EVO Chronicles: Tale (Tail?) of the U.A.V Scavenger

(Posted 4-29-2000)

(For the record, U.A.V. is Unified Against Voinians, aka the Emalgha, Hinwar and UE combine. The formatting is also probably fairly hooky, and spelling is uncertian due to lack of spellcheck features in BBedit Lite)

Chapter 1

Sighing at the stupid tactics that are taught galaxy wide, Dash Riprock expertly piloted his upgraded UE Destroyer, the U.A.V. Scavenger, around another rocket from the Voinian Frigate.
"Reload Rocket Tube one on the double. Prepare for a strafing run, followed by a rocket salvo after we have passed the VSS Heekia." said Riprock
"Aye, Cap'n" replied the assistant engineer over the comm.

The Scavenger slowed down, then with a glowing roar charged at the Voinian ship, rolling over to let her bottom turrets get a good shot at the frigate. Quickly turning around and leveling out, she fired 3 rockets in quick succession, disabling the Voinian.
"Helm, bring us close over them. Comm, get the Heekia's Captain on. FAST!"

The two officers did as told, wordlessly. A few questioning looks passed across the Scavenger's bridge, but no one said anything.
"The Heekia is responding. They say they do not talk to scum. Their words exactly."
"Play the message." demanded Dash "Now."

The bridge speakers crackled and died.
"Well, THAT didn't work" muttered Dash "Engineering, what is our status?"
"Not exactly good. Shields at 65%, but they got a few good hits. For a second there, their shots were passing right through us. That's when they got the speakers. Also, I’m sad to report the pool on deck 13 was emptied by that little maneuver you pulled at the end, Dashie."
"Yeah yeah, who said it was a comfortable maneuver? I know I didn't." retorted Dash "And lose the 'Dashie' bit, Dad. 'Sides, who needs the pool anyway? It still has floats in it from the last of the kids pool parties."
"Had, you mean. They’re now somewhere in the botany section of the science department, who, needless to say, is NOT happy."
"Whoops. Ahh, well. Can't please em all. I aim for 90%."
"Son, the science section is 11% of the ships crew. At least for this mission"

The rambling continued, as the ship hummed to Outpost Gamma, where they re-armed and headed out for Sol, naturally taking a roundabout trip through a few Voinian systems where they departed their stock of 32 rockets.

Sol, quite a while later:

"Damnit Son, will you TURN OFF THE INFERNAL MUSIC?" yelled Dash Riprock, Senior  
"Dad, this is the ship's theme song, sheesh. Cut me some slack, will you?"  
"Will you two stop fighting for once?" interrupted the hotshot turret gunner Stud Beefpile "It gets old fast. Almost as fast as your corny jokes, old man."  
"THEY ARE NOT CORNY!" screamed Dash senior  
"Are too!"  
"Are not!"  
"Are too!"  
"PLEASE! Be quite! Some people are trying to speak" yelled the comm officer at the top of his lungs  
"Like who?"  
"Admiral McGrath, who happens to be on the viewer behind you, trying not to die laughing."  
"Oh. Whoops."  
"Whoops is right, Dash." dead panned McGrath  
"What is it this time? More Renegades?"  
"Either that or someone worse, considering our luck of late. The UE ColRegDep wants you to check out reports of 'Fast, white ships shooting yellow death' to the galactic east of Renegade space." explained the Admiral  
"Sounds fun." pondered Dash junior  
"LETS GO KICK ASS!" yelled Dash senior  
"Oh, Dash, cut down your dads caffeine and sugar intake, ok?"  
"Sure thing, old one."  
"Shut up, pipsqueak."  

Chapter 2

The U.A.V. Scavenger shuddered as 'Yellow barf' pounded into her sides. Suddenly the lights flickered and died, to be replaced by a disorienting red glow. The gunners weren't doing much better.
"Damn it, someone get me some coffee, or that good 'Jolt Cola' stuff I found yesterday." cursed Lt Beefpile "Uh oh, INCOMING SHIP, 12 o'clock! Possible Collision Course!"

Cursing too vile to retell here resounded throughout the ship. Someone fired a rocket, in the hopes it would hit a fighter. It did.
"GOT IT!" exclaimed Stud Beefpiles co-gunner, Janor Aizda, one of the few Azdgari's ever to see Earth.
"I woulda had him." retorted Stud Beefpile "But there was a fly on my scope."
"Sure there was." said Janor, dripping with sarcasm "That's what they all say."
"Stop your bickering and do something about the fighter strafing us." interjected Janor's son, Agacza.
"Aye, Cap'n" retorted Stud, with quite a hint of sarcasm
"AHEM, can we keep the testosterone levels below 'pissing contest', peoples?" came Riprocks voice over the comm.
"Yessir" said the three gunners, actually acting serious

Back on the bridge, things weren't going much better.
"Ok, we know that there ARE these white fighters that spew yellow barf at extreme rates of fire and do nothing against armor more or less. What more do we need to know?" asked the Ensign-acting-Comm-officer
"Nothing. That's why we're jumping out of this god-forsaken system and back into our own, lovely Renegade infested space." retorted Dash Junior.
"Prepare for hyperspace jump into the kkzzzzzzzzzzzz system at crackle hundred hours, Galactic Standard Time" the computer stated emotionlessly.

Dash sighed.
"How long until we fix the hy-"
"Prepare to inter hyperspace. Please return your tray tables and seats to the upright and locked position. All non-AFF Standard electronic devices must be turned off at this time. Secondary and Primary weaponry has been disabled" stated the ships computer
"Never mind." said Dash Junior.

Back on Earth...

"So, what you're saying is that our current weapons are useless against these ships, but the Voinian tech which you have on board can toast them like its nobody's business?" asked McGrath.  
"Yes. The ships are totally shielded. They have little or no armor. Their weapons do zilch against armor. Our weapons do little against shields, but great against armor." replied Dash Junior.  
"Sounds fun.. And you say the needle weapons work against them?"  
"Yup. Once we entered Renegade space, they left us alone. They can take out Renegade ships, but the Turncoats can bring them down o.k-ish."  

With a little shuffling, McGrath found a report with a star map chip attached.
"Here, this is a map to Miranu space. Go there, make contact with them and ask them about the renegades. Now." stated McGrath with a sigh "And don't mess up, please."
"Can do, will do." said Dash Jr.
"Say, why does it say 'Classified' on this report?" asked Dash Sr.

(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 04-29-2000).)

skunko7 wrote:

(For the record, U.A.V. is Unified Against Voinians,
aka the Emalgha, Hinwar and UE combine. The
formatting is also probably fairly hooky,
and spelling is uncertian due to lack of
spellcheck features in BBedit Lite)

Actually, I corrected most of the errors before I posted it. Everyone should learn to copyedit their own work. If you re-read and correct your writing before sending it, you will often find typos, spelling errors, and grammar and punctuation mistakes that you can fix. It's important to do this, because spell checkers don't always check for everything (use of the wrong word, punctuation, etc.) and a spell checker is not always available (unless you become your own "spell checker!"
BTW, Skunko, the story's quite funny with interesting characters. Will we see more of it?


(This message has been edited by Jude (edited 04-30-2000).)

Pretty cool. I have a few questions, though. One, this 'yellow barf' you're talking about. Is it phase cannon fire? And two, how come the story has two pages if the second page is a duplicate of the first?
Pretty funny stuff, too. Anytime you can fit 'testosterone', and 'pissing contest' in the same sentence will crack me up.
Keep it up, let's see some more!



More? Perhaps this summer.

As for the yellow barf.. Fly a UE Fighter in Cresent Renegade space. If you dont call it something less printable, I'm sure it would be called yellow barf.

...Considering comments about using the bathroom would be ***ed out and all..


Life is but a dream. Pass the coffee, please.
Could I have an order of Discboard with that?

p.s. I'd also probably give one of the Riprocks an Italian-Russian-Scottish accent..

(This message has been edited by Skunko7 (edited 04-30-2000).)

U.A.V. stands for "Unmanned Air Vehicle" in the U.S. Armed Forces. That's what I thought this would be when I first read it. I wondered how that could be a story if it was about an unmanned vehicle, but I was wrong. I just felt like saying that.

A scholar's ink lasts much longer than a martyr's blood. - Irish proverb.

(This message has been edited by skyblade (edited 09-09-2000).)


A scholar's ink lasts much longer than a martyr's blood. - Irish proverb.

(This message has been edited by skyblade (edited 09-09-2000).)