A New Rebel Destroyer Shipyard Description

Which one is better?

Poll: Which desc is better? (16 member(s) have cast votes)
Which desc is better, Cade's or Coraxus's?
Cade's desc
(2 votes [12.50%])
Percentage of vote: 12.50%
Coraxus's desc
(14 votes [87.50%])
Percentage of vote: 87.50%

He and I couldn't decide which one to go for, so we decided to see what everyone thought. The following desc describes a new class of a more powerful Rebel Destroyer that will eventually replace the stock version.

Cade's desc:

Quote

"The Rebellion has been lately at task to upgrade its ships to gain a advantage in the war against Bureau. It started when they made a prototype Dragon with even heavier shields, because they saw how effective it was in crushing the blockade.

The general refits personnel took it as their task to upgrade the ancient craft and upgraded in the ways Donald Chick could not. They tossed out the original design and applied upgrades on top. They reworked the way the shields were put, which resulted in it having unprecented shields for a destroyer. They replaced the engines with much faster ones. The most important part- the weapons have been completely replaced. Now the Destroyer is a truly devastating opponent instead of a heavily upgraded wreck. It has also more free space. The armor has been heavily upgraded to the point of having exactly as much armor as a Fed Carrier"

Coraxus's desc:

Quote

"The Rebellion was tasked to upgrade its ships to gain an advantage over the Bureau. It began with a heavily shielded prototype Dragon capable of plowing through Fed blockades with ease.

The Rebel Destroyer was refitted in ways Donald Chick could not. Engineers sweated hard to upgrade the ancient hulk after tossing out the original designs. They worked on increasing shield strength and rebuilt the engines to be somewhat faster. Most importantly, they replaced standard weapons with much deadlier ones. Matrix-steel was added enough to almost rival that of a Fed Carrier to help withstand punishments from Fed warships and more free space was allocated. The end result was a deadly platform that could dominate any battlefield it finds itself in."

This post has been edited by Coraxus : 01 June 2007 - 03:56 PM

I like your desc. better, Coraxus. However, there are a few tweaks I'd make. Here's the original:

Original Desc. said:

"The Rebellion was tasked to upgrade its ships to gain an advantage over the Bureau. It began with a heavily shielded prototype Dragon capable of plowing through Fed blockades with ease.

The Rebel Destroyer was refitted in ways Donald Chick could not. Engineers sweated hard to upgrade the ancient hulk after tossing out the original designs. They worked on increasing shield strength and rebuilt the engines to be somewhat faster. Most importantly, they replaced standard weapons with much deadlier ones. Matrix-steel was added enough to almost rival that of a Fed Carrier to help withstand punishments from Fed warships and more free space was allocated. The end result was a deadly platform that could dominate any battlefield it finds itself in."

And here it is again, modified:

Modified Desc. said:

"The Rebellion was tasked to upgrade its ships to gain an advantage over the Bureau. It began with a heavily(-)shielded prototype Dragon capable of plowing through Fed blockades with ease.

The Rebel Destroyer was refitted in ways Donald Chick could not. Engineers sweated hard to upgrade the ancient hulk after tossing out the original designs. They worked on increasing shield strength and rebuilt the engines to be somewhat faster. Most importantly, (however,) they replaced the original weapons loadout with a far more lethal armament. Layers of Matrix Steel were added, as well (-) enough to almost rival that of a Fed Carrier to help withstand punishments from Fed warships(.) More free space was (also) allocated. The end result was a deadly platform that could dominate any battlefield it finds itself in."

The stuff in parentheses is what I added. Bold indicates completely reworked. These do NOT need to be followed, however; it is just my input.

At any rate, Coraxus, is this going to be in a plug you're designing for a super-awesome Rebel Destroyer? is hopeful

Your desc, Coraxus. Hands down.

I agree with them, and suggest that you go with Warlord Mike's modification. Cade's is alright, but it's a little disorganized and all of the sentences begin with either "The" or "They" or "It", with "They" thrice in a row.

I'm not sure. The first isn't worded too well and the second seems a bit skimpy on description.

I don't know if it'll even be considered, but I feel like taking a shot.

ME! said:

In an effort to gain a comparable advantage against the numbers of the Bureau controlled Federation fleet, The Rebellion set out to further improve the design of the Federation E-41 Destroyer, taking inspiration from their designs on a prototype Dragon using a more powerful shield generator. Rather than simply build on top of the old configuration, the Rebels crafted new schematics for the ship, keeping only the basic keel structure intact in the new design. Using newer technology, the shields and engines of the craft were noticeably improved and the support structure and outer hull were built with Matrix Steel, as opposed to the more fragile Titanium Lattice. With miniaturized electronics and onboard systems, coupled with better choices of weapon hard-point locations for it's new, powerful armaments, more space was saved than in previous designs, allowing an even greater range of post-production customization. The end result was a new destroyer able to outgun any ship in the Federation armada.

Now that I think about it, I really should stop writing random descriptions and work on CTC so I can meet my 11:59 beta-ready deadline.

I vote JTH's

I will also welcome feedbacks as well to improve on the description.

I voted Taz.

Er, Coraxus.

I vote for JoshTigerheart.

I vote for Josh as well.

Josh's, all the way.

JTH's is defiantly the best.

Is it just me, or does Josh's have too many commas?

Ever since learning about comma problems in writing class I haven't been able to tell very well.

@phyvo, on Jun 26 2007, 06:10 AM, said in A New Rebel Destroyer Shipyard Description:

Is it just me, or does Josh's have too many commas?

Ever since learning about comma problems in writing class I haven't been able to tell very well.

Yeah, there's a few places where Josh went a little "comma-crazy." There are places where the commas could have been left out and the desc. would still read fine.

And on a similar note, I'd still vote for my edited version of Coraxus' desc. I say this because while Josh introduced a completely new desc, I still tried to keep as much of Coraxus' as possible. Furthermore, Coraxus was asking whether his or Cade's is better; he did NOT ask anyone to introduce their own desc (and yes, while reworking Coraxus' desc. is technically introducing a new one, it is still based off his original desc, and I would thus not treat it as a new desc; rather, it is a modified one).

EDIT: Hey! I reached 1,600 posts!

This post has been edited by Warlord Mike : 26 June 2007 - 09:38 AM