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The following are signs you won't last long in the EVO universe. Feel free to add your own to the list. Go ahead, try it! It's fun!
1. The "UE Fighter" you bought is a red-painted krait with red cardboard wings strapped on the side.
2. You routinely fly through renegade space in your unarmed UE freighter broadcasting 20th century pop music on all hailing frequencies.
3. Your hyperdrive consists of a thermos of radioactive waste duct-taped to a Dodge Dart.
4. You can never make your Frontier Express deliveries in time because you're too busy watching re-runs of "Survivor CXXXVIII"
5. You like ramming things.
6. You decide to take on an asteroid in a space battle - a match to the death. Twenty-seven hours later, you fall asleep at the controls. Asteroid 1, you 0.
7. Upon waking up you demand a rematch.
8. You're dyslexic and travelling through strand space.
9. You think the Council is like a city council, and go to them with a list of suggestions of laws you'd like passed, and refuse to leave until the mayor speaks to you personally.
10. You try illegally smuggling Fuzzes in your pants.
11. Encouraged by the success of the Free Huron campaign, you start a campaign to "Free Voinia".
12. You've been desperately searching for Anna Balashova for four years now... in Miranu space.
13. You think it's a good idea to go taunt some UE fighters in your newly acquired Voinian Supply Ship.
Hope you enjoyed these, I wouldn't be surprised if there were plenty more to come... -Thunder
------------------ American components, Russian components, all made in Taiwan!
I must say, I found those very humourous.
14. You travel to Sol, in your Voinian supply ship and try to launch your Interceptors. As you find out you have none, you demand tribute from Earth, just to show 'em who's boss.
••The Crab
------------------ Let's pretend you don't hate me for a second, then try posting. If this is a great world, then what the hell am I doing in it?
15. Wondering what those big yellow freighters are, and then attacking them in your Scoutship.
16. Demanding tribute at Sol, then when they don't let you kamikazing against a nearby UE fighter in you shuttlecraft.
17. Pirating lots of freighters, and then going to Voinian space, pirating lots of supply ships, and then deciding that a "cruiser" must be some sort of liner and trying your luck against it........
18. Doing the nebula penetration missions, but ending up flying around Voinian space wondering what a nebula is.
19. Flying around in a scoutship with 2 Kraits on your tail, then turning round and hailing them. When they ignore you, you desperately try to launch your photon torpedoes, finding the key jammed as you quickly press "self destruct", keep whacking it in hope some photon torpedoes will come out, and end up getting blown up.
20. Piloting a beautiful one in a million chance stolen Dreadnought, which you managed to find disabled and capture, and then trading it in for an Arada thinking "I'll jus give this ship a go for a bit........"
21. Demanding tribute at Council Station. (yes, that's all)
22. Capturing a Voinian heavy fighter can wondering why the UE keep attacking you.
23. Wondering why EVO doesn't have any missions and ends so abruptly when you're hovering around without a fuel scoop somewhere north east of UE space.
24. Spending hours playing "evade the asteroids" and eventually getting hit by Captain Hector after not registering.
25. Thinking Hector is a bug in the game and spamming the Ambrosia webboards about it.
26. Blowing up the shuttle carrying the voinian defector.
27. Wonder why your freighter won't fire........
28. Misunderstanding "freighter" to think it means "battleship", then buying a Miranu heavy freighter for your conflict with the Dreadnought...
29. Thinking "Dreadnought" means "Donut Liner" and trying to take it on in a Shuttlecraft.
30. Thinking "wow, I do most of these".
------------------ Fear not the dragon, Fear not the wolf, Fear not the warship, Fear my Crescent Fighter.
<EDIT>Crap, SilverDragon posted while I was working on this, I'll have to update the numbers</EDIT>
31. Choosing not to buy an upgrade as "useless" as a fuel scoop, you set out to explore the Ji Nebula... in a krait
32. You go bounty hunting for the Disco Bison
33. You head into battle against an Azdgari fleet, thinking you can always run away if things get tough
34. You leave your computer while attempting the Monty Python maneuver to find your CD with the Liberty Bell March on it.
35. You start attacking UE ships to raise your legal record with the renegades
36. You can't seem to finish the Kirrim Prime central objective
37. You figure since Council Station is the only Council port it must be in a backwater system and have a meager defense fleet
38. You fly around the Sol system for 13 hours looking for Venus
39. You deduce the following: 1 krait poses 0 threat to you, therefore, the threat posed to you by 50 kraits is 50 x 0, still 0
40. You heckle a Zidagar actor for being a ham
41. You start attacking Zachit ships to raise your legal record with the Miranu
42. You land on Igadzra dressed up as an Azdgari "just to freak them out"
43. You load up on phase cannons so you'll be ready for those tough battles with the Voinians
44. You buy an afterburner for your Voinian Cruiser
45. Your phased beamer stops firing and you don't know why, so you decide to cloak until it works again
46. You start a new pilot and leave Earth in your shiny new shuttle deciding the quickest way to make some money will be to plunder it
47. You get embarassed every time you see an Igazra
48. When you arrive in the appropriate system, you can't find The Rock
49. You're frustrated that you can't complete your cargo mission to the Kelmaon system because nothing happens when you land there
50. You can't complete that one mission in the Huron string where you destroy a renegade fleet because when you warp into the system, it's just a bunch of militia
51. You decide to destroy Cap'n Hector rather than register
52. You see "Ambrosia" ships every once in a while, but can never find Ambrosia space
53. You learn Anna Balashova has been kidnapped by the Nadir, so you go after him and blow him to pieces
54. You get bored and decide to destroy some asteroids
55. You look around for somewhere to buy a Manticore
------------------ EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk. -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary (url="http://"http://www.wwiiplug.f2s.com")The WWII Plug-in for EVO(/url), coming soon
(This message has been edited by StarStrafer (edited 05-07-2001).)
56. You fly around Gadzair space for five years wondering where to get the Council missions.
57. You figure that because the Strands have similar names they must only be play fighting and try to bring them together.
58. You leap in the way of an Igazra.
59. You wonder why the asteroids are overtaking you while you furiously push the mouse in the direction you want to go.
60. You do the disease missions for the Miranu / UE and then look upset realising you can no longer trade disease commodities.
61. You pick up fuzzies and dump then on Council Station and wonder if they'll take over.
62. You threaten a Council member by saying, "I'll get the Igadzra on you!"
63. A Voinian Cruiser comes up to you. You swear at it, call it's mother something rude, threaten to clobber it, and look angry when you notice your ship blowing up.
64. You decide that because you've not been to the toilet once in the entire game that you're invincible.
65. You wonder if you get points for shooting asteroids.
66. You think you get points.
67. You spend eighteen years looking for the end.
68. You spend ten years trying to get a million credits 69. You can't find a place to refuel in an uninhabited system 70. You are incapable of getting missions of any sort
------------------ "Arthur Philip Dent?" pursued the alien in a kind of efficient yap. "Er...er...yes...er...er...," confirmed Arthur. "Your're a jerk," repeated the alien, "a complete kneebiter."
71. You try to strike up a conversation about the lighter aspects of the Voinians... with a human.. Fatality level: 76% 72. You try the same... with an Elmalgha... Fatality: 83% 73. With a Hinwar.. Dead in 2 seconds, regardless of species or protection. 74. With Alien 5672.. WHAT IN BZZZT! HELL WERE YOU THINKING!?!?!
------------------ Hi! I'm Alien the Hinwar and I'm a stuiped jerk! I'm big, mad, strong, and Hinwar! I yell 'LONG LIVE THE UE!', but I smash vikimadegie lovers every chance I get! Cause I'm Alien the Hinwar and I'm a stuiped jerk! I'm always making the mods mad doing something or another, but I'll never learn! I'll never turn! Look at my karma! Cause I'm Alien the Hinwar and I'm a stuiped jerk! AIM: StrikerDragon
75. You say that you can take out any pirate no matter how strong right in John Cook's face—90% chance of dying 76. You say that in my face and call me bad names—ERROR! ERROR! DEATH PERCENTAGE SCALE OVERLOAD!!! 77. You get a delivery mission to Kelmaon and go to the uninhabited Kelmaon in norhtern Azdgari space. 78. You get blown up by a big yellow penis-shaped thing in your new UE Cruiser and swear at Matt Burch and Peter Cartwright about it and say the game stinks to high heaven. 79. You put a capital F in forge's name. 80. You try to join the Voinians in your UE Destroyer. 81. Vice-versa in a Voinian Heavy Fighter. 82. You fly all over the galaxy in your defenseless shuttlecraft, even through renegade space, looking for that Kestrel that doesn't exsist in EVO.
------------------ Why settle for a $3 pound of pork meat, when you can get up to 50+ pounds of human meat free?
83. You loved the Confeds and hated the Rebels in original EV, and don't realise that EVO isn't just an engine upgrade.
------------------ YakKa Foob MoG. GRuG PubbuWuP ZiNk WattooM GaZoRK. CHuMBLE SpuZz.
(This message has been edited by Lord Gwydion (edited 05-07-2001).)
Quote
Originally posted by Alien 5672: ** 74. With Alien 5672.. WHAT IN BZZZT! HELL WERE YOU THINKING!?!?!
**
Am I mistaken, or did you censor the word "the."
------------------ War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. Big Brother is watching you.
84. You decide to race an Igazra in your Krait. Bumping is allowed. 85. You dont understand that the asteroids are harmless and try to evade them saying "just missed it" every time you "hit" one. 86. You get the fantastic idea to arrange a peace meeting between the Voinians and the UE in your own ship... Blasters allowed... 87. Run to the toilet to wash your sweaty hands after 5 hours in front of the computer just when the Dreadnought mission comes up and you´re good-looking Emalghia Fighter is supported by 4 UE fighters when you attack it. 88. You keeps disabling Voinian Cruisers so you can have them as escorts.. 89. You dont understand why you never get any help from other ships when an enemy attacks you. 90. Spends 2 days straight trying to destroy a space station with your phase beam. 91. You dont shop the escape shuttle every time you get a really hard mission.. Waste of money, use them to buy some rockets, and skip the rocket launcher too.. 92. Respawning pilots is not a part of your vocabulary. 93. You try to disable Capt. Hector so you can get the money he stole from you back.. 94. You try to pull "the Mask" manoveur (the one where he is surrounded by cops and gets away by singing, see the movie..) when 5 Voinian Cruiser aims at you and your stolen Voinian Cargo Ship. 95. You ask a Voinian Dreadnought to sell you some fuel as you dont have enough fuel to get back to UE Space in the "locate new voinian cruiser" mission. 96. You dont understand why you keep failing to do all the missions with your fully equipped shuttle.. 20 tonns of weapon space..... (you can get some prime good needle missiles for that) 97. You walk into the bar on Voinia and starts to sing the Human Rights song. 98. You borrow a megaphone so you can do the same at the biggest square on Voinia. 99. You do the same thing on all hailing frequencies available to the Voinians. 100. You don´t understand why the critics are so low about your performance.. And why the crowd with ill-tempered Voinians with knives starts to gather around you..
Thats number 100......................................
------------------ "Life is a lesson, you learn it when you´re through" - Limp Bizkit -
(This message has been edited by Dimitrij (edited 05-07-2001).)
101. You try to use the Monty Python manuever against a squadron of Azdaras in a shuttlecraft. 102. You don't understand why every time you try to destroy the "UE Defector" in the Chorca system, the UE get mad at you, you fail the mission, and the Voinian fleet blasts you to high heaven. 103. You attack an Igazra in your Arada and think it can't be THAT strong... 104. You assume that your fuel never runs out like in star trek and thus go into the Ji Nebula in a Krait. 105. You think that EVO is Multiplayer and can't figure out how to join a webgame. 106. You can't understand where the Rebels and Confeds went... 107. You think that "Strict Play" means that the game is more strict on computer opponents and demand tribute from Igadzra in your Krait. 108. You make the mistake of thinking that a space bomb can't hurt you if you detonate direct in front of your ship as a swarm of 50 "Harmless" Kraits heads toward you. 109. You try to make the Voinians not-so-mean by broadcasting your speaches in the Voinian capitol... 110. You wonder why the entire Voinian 7th fleet heads toward you after you take off from Voinia after evading the mob of 1,000 Voinians who are all carrying knives and blasters. 111. You try and hail the Voinian 7th fleet to ask for fuel...
P.S. LOL!!! These are pretty good!
------------------ To Escape Velocity: Nova and Beyond! -------------- Millennium. Its coming, prepare for it. Coming to the (url="http://"http://www.ambrosiaSW.com/games/ev/chronicles.html")EV Chronicles(/url).
112. Your bridge crew consists of 3 monkeys and a dead gerbil. 113. You paint your arada blue and try and impersonate a Zacha. 114. You wonder why anybody worries about overpopulation when they can just turn off the "multiply like tribbles" flag for their race. 115. You enjoy napping in your UE freighter, while floating in the Pax system. 116. You open a seminar on Igadzra to try and teach them about human anatomy, and how they should avoid it in their ship design. 117. It's your lifelong dream to capture and pilot the "strange asteroid". 118. You think the Voinians just need to have more fun and they'd be a lot friendlier, so you try and open a ski resort on Naogza. 119. You think the MTC is like the FTD, and only delivers flowers. 120. You walk into the bar on Kayia in full Renegade uniform, just to see how they'll react. 121. You built your own blaze cannons for your ship out of a container of really hot plasma and a twentieth century laser pointer.
Well, these aren't as good as my first ones, but what the heck:
122. You think the web board is what you use for surfing the Net
123. You think my member name is a cool idea and fly around Sol with an itchy trigger finger looking for the Sun
124. You land on Earth in order to report to Starfleet Command
125. You upgrade your vessel with ship-mounted slingshots
126. You wonder why a picture of a parrot is displayed whenever Cap'n Hector robs you
127. You start a new pilot daily so you can listen to that "cool" drum rhythm when the intro text scrolls by
128. You spend all your time worrying about the fact that Escape Velocity: Override has little to do with reaching escape velocity and doesn't really override anything
129. You consider writing a complaint letter if it turns out there are no Novae in EV Nova
130. You think every ASW game is an EVO spinoff, including EV
131. You name your ship "Matt Burch" and think it's a bug when you encounter a përs of the same name
132. You have not yet realized that the EV series is actually three separate games
133. You believe EVO is multiplayer and that every përs you encounter is actually another person playing over the Internet
134. You wonder why the Voinians always have more ships no matter how many you destroy
135. You take out a Voinian Cruiser's four fighters, though you are reduced to low armor, you move in to Monty Python the Cruiser, and the one fighter it always saves for last kills you (anyone else notice how they do that?)
136. You laugh every time you see a Zidara, thinking they look like noses
137. You ask a question on this board but state it so oddly no one knows wht you're talking about
138. You start a topic on this board and misspell a Strand name. When asked which one you meant, you realize you don't know
139. You suddenly realize you've been playing the original Escape Velocity all this time
140. You download and register the game, play all night, and then finally decide to go to bed, you glance at the date on your computer to discover you've actually been playing for two and a half months straight
141. You plan to donate yourself as a test subject to be cryogenically frozen and revived after 150 years
142. You dodge ships to avoid colliding with them
143. When in battle, you stop firing your phase cannons periodically to let them recharge
144. When in battle, you stop firing your hunter missiles periodically to let them recharge
145. You wonder if Photoshop plug-ins work with EVO
(This message has been edited by StarStrafer (edited 05-09-2001).)
Heheh, I liked 101.
146. You walk up to the rebel huron leader and say to her, "Hey baby, want to see me pilot my igazra??"
147. You decide to attack that pissy frieghter called Andrew welch because it told you to move your UE fighter out of the way.
~A~
------------------ "How can I make it go faster?" -Me-
148. You think "Dreadnaught" means "Dread not" so you won't have to worry about the Voinian Dreadnaught, and go at it in a Krait.
149. You think Override is a prequel to Escape Velocity.
------------------ David Arthur Talon Plugin for Classic EV: (url="http://"http://members.aol.com/darthur1/talon-ev/")http://members.aol.c...thur1/talon-ev/(/url)
150: You take on a huge, grey and red "freighter" with a shuttle hoping to make some easy money.
------------------ "That is called a droid decoy. This is called a trap. And I'm calling you dead" -Phoenix "Morality is the core of civilization." When the phoenix is destroyed,
151. You see that a Voinian Cruiser has its shields down, so, thinking it must be almost dead you go after it in a shuttlecraft with one blaze cannon.
P.S. I have done this before! :redface:
------------------ Visit cheese.com! It's great!
152. You try to demand tribute from Mars. 153. You try to become King of F-25 154. You bought a Voinian Supply Ship because of it's great speed 155. You spend half of your life looking for a sun in the galaxy. 156. You mistake the sensor upgrade for the NPD and get stuck in the Proxima Nebula with no fuel. 157. You try to join the Zidagar, in an Igazra 158. You jettison the UE Ambassador, thinking that it will make you go faster 159. You stay in the Sol system for three years because you can't find the "J" key 160. You spend five years looking for the secret alien enclave on the planet next to New Riga
------------------ "Censorship enslaves those who are unable to think for themselves" "True greatness is being given the gift of knowledge, then having the knowledge to apply that gift." "When they give you lined paper, write the other way."