Coldstone Chronicles: Shadows from the Past: Part 1

"Look, Glyndir I don't care what you say, I am not walking into that town!" growled Abdar.

"Come on! It'll get you some money!" cried Glyndir with an I-just-made-that-up tone.

"You know you just want food. We're travelers. We supposed to know how to get food fjust about anywhere!"

Abdar was around 14 years old, and had, unusual for these parts, messed up blonde hair. He was skinny, but more powerful than anyone could imagine. He was the average height of a 14 year old Deloth, but was not, on the whole, a very average person. His speed made him hard to hit, his strength made him invincible. His eyes were a foggy green, and no one was ever able to tell the feelings behind them. They seemed to be mystical, unknown, uncertain. People staring into them could feel shivers creeping up their spines, not knowing what he was seeing or feeling except for brief glimpses. Then they would wonder if those glimpses were of his true feelings, or if he hiding them. His body wasn't as slouched as others, and when he had to run fast, he ran on all fours.

Glyndir; he's another story. An average 12 year old boy Deloth, with a big mouth, and a stomach10 times the size of his mouth. He had the usual plastered-to-head haircut, short and black. His eyes were grey; average. One thing that was different about him was how he understood Abdar. He really didn't know what occupied Abdar's mind, he just understood how lonely he was. His body wasn't as straight as Abdar's, but it was straighter than most Deloths. He and Abdar had met by chance one night, both looking for a way out of a forest. Glyndir was the only one that seemed to understand Abdar, so they stayed together. They fled from town to town so they wouldn't get picked up in some scummy orphanage.

"Glyndir, I know that your parents died when you were a baby, but don't try to make me make up for it," scowled Abdar.

"I'm not doing that, I just want food," replied Glyndir in a soft, melancholy voice.

Abdar sighed. "Sorry, that just popped out. At least you know someone out there loved you. I have no clue where I came from, if I was some distorted science experiment, or a normal kid whose parents also died, and scientists morphed. Sometimes, I stare at the stars, and wonder, 'Am I from there? Am I an alien? Or am I a science experiment gone wrong?' I wish, somehow, answers would come."

"Maybe, someday, they will come," replied Glyndir.

"You know what I miss, Deloth Rocynd."

"Oh man, I haven't had that for years!"

"You know what, I think we can find it in that town."

"You really mean it Abdar?"

"Sure, buddy."

They packed their Khaa-skin sacks up, and headed towards the town.

As they entered, a guard said, "Halt. Speak your names and business."

"We are young travelers in seek of shelter and food," Abdar replied.

When they walked past the guard, Glyndir whispered, "I wonder why the security is so tight for a small town like this."

"I don't know Glyndir, I just don't know."

After they walked out of the Flanbath shop (with full stomachs), one of the guards screemed, "ATTACK! ALL TROOPS REPORT! I REPEAT: ALL TROOPS REPORT!" as 100 dragon-type creatures, known as Lochdans, raged into the town and started destroying everything in their paths.

"Maybe that's why," said Abdar, "Now let's hightail it out of here!"

"For once, I agree with you on that one!" shouted Glyndir.

They ran as fast as they could. Abdar was way ahead when he heard Glyndir yell. Abdar turned around and saw Glyndir lying on the ground, doubled over in pain. Abdar rushed back.

"What happened?"

"I tripped over a log. Argh, I think I've broken my ankle! It got wedged under it!"

"They're coming! I'll try and get you out!"

"There isn't enough time. Save yourself!"

"No way man! I'm going to save you!"

"Abdar, has it occured to you that maybe I'm supposed to die and be with my parents? It'll take a while to get me out, even if it is you."

"No! I am not going to leave you here to get slain by those beasts!"

"Just go! They're too close! Save yourself! You can make a difference, you can get more stronger than anyone imagined, you can save the Deloth race. Now get out of here before I yell and make them come closer that much faster!"

"Do I have a choice?"

"No! Now get out of here!"

Abdar stood up, said goodbye, and ran away before he had time to turn back for Glyndir. It was the hardest thing he had ever had to do.

(This message has been edited by moderator (edited 08-17-2002).)

Fairly nice story, Bunny. But even so,a ccording to the time-honored traditions of the CS cron board, I'm going ot have to critique it and (hopefully) help improve your skills as a writer. 🙂

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Originally posted by PinkFluffyBunny:
After they walked out of the Flanbath shop (with full stomachs), one of the guards screemed, "ATTACK! ALL TROOPS REPORT! I REPEAT: ALL TROOPS REPORT!" as 100 dragon-type creatures, known as Lochdans, raged into the town and started destroying everything in their paths.

Okay, this paragraph has two things that bug me. Judging from the rest of your story, this world is fairly different from ours. I was wanting to see the inside of the store and maybe a description of the different otherworldy goods. And there's the Lochdans. You introduce them with no real introduction at all, it's an "All-of-a-Sudden" moment.™ I'd like to see more of the build of the creatures, how they moved, how they act, how they fight.

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"What happened?"

"I tripped over a log. Argh, I think I've broken my ankle! It got wedged under it!"

This passage seems extreme incongruous, not with the rest of your story, but with reality. I don't think an average guy like Glyndir, especially 'doubled over in pain' as you say, would be able to speak so clearly so soon afterwards. I would suggest either enhancing his reaction to the pain, (He's crying as he's speaking, voice is raspy, etc.) or toning down the pain or dialogue.

Also, in your opening dialogue between Abdar and Glyndin, it seemed to jump around a lot. No real suggestions on how to fix this, though, right now.

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Consider. If passion rules our reasoning, and we are ruled by logic, we are all simply unwitting slaves to emotion, pretending to be greater than what we truly are.

Thanks for the critique. Part 2 may not have much better description, but Part 3 sure does! Eh, I always had a problem with description, and those all-of-a-sudden moments. 🙂

Just to let you know, one of the moderators edited it themselves (without contacting me), so you aren't seeing the completely original version.
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If only people would try things instead of saying "I don't like that." Nothing makes sense anymore.

(This message has been edited by PinkFluffyBunny (edited 08-18-2002).)

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Originally posted by PinkFluffyBunny:
**Thanks for the critique. Part 2 may not have much better description, but Part 3 sure does! Eh, I always had a problem with description, and those all-of-a-sudden moments.:)

Just to let you know, one of the moderators edited it themselves (without contacting me), so you aren't seeing the completely original version.**

Yes Bunny, I did edit it a bit. Basically what I did was fix up the changes of tense (from first to third and vice versa in some areas) and streamline some of the expressions, etc. I'm sorry if I offended you by doing so, but one of my jobs is to technically review and edit the text for release. Personally I think I made it flow quite a bit better without changing the actual story much at all, but if you don't wish me to in future, I'll just fix up tenses and spelling/grammatical errors.

Anyway, story is nice, but I agree with Robert on the All-Of-A-Sudden™ moments. Your dialogue could use a little polishing as well for realism. Basically, I think if you take this story and write it to be about twice as detailed and expressive, we won't complain as much. 😉

Anyway Bunny, if you have any questions or whatnot, my email is listed at the top of the forum. Enjoy!

-Andiyar

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"Any good that I may do here, let me do now, for I may not pass this way again"

(This message has been edited by Tarnćlion Andiyarus (edited 08-18-2002).)

Nope, you didn't offend me, just thought I'd let Celchu now. 🙂 Anyway, I think my best part is part 3, but that probably won't be out till atleast Tuesday. It has more detail, and may still be jumpy, but it is better than the other two parts. Plus, it's much longer.

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If people would take the time to understand and know someone, to appreciate this person, wouldn't we live in a better world?
But if we did, then how would we learn anything? A world without hurt is a world without lessons.

One thing that isn't very good is: Suddenly 100 enemies attacked. That doesn't make sense. Firstly, why would there be exactly 100. Secondly, how could they count it so exactly. It sounds like a tired author trying to skip parts of the story (this city is pissing me off. Ok, sudddenly 1 million purple people eaters killed it. the end. )

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The answer to life, the universe, and everything is...42.

Well, I do realize this, and I didn't mean for it to be so sudden. I was excited about this idea, and wasn't paying as much attention as I should have. I am young, with still a lot of things to learn. I mean, I just finished 6th grade.

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If people would take the time to understand and know someone, to appreciate this person, wouldn't we live in a better world?
But if we did, then how would we learn anything? A world without hurt is a world without lessons.

I was just re-reading this, and I realized that it didn't really explain why Abdar didn't want to go into the town. Why didn't he? Why was Glyndir trying to get him to go in?

Answering things like this in your chronicle will make it much more pleasant to read.

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A sense of peace fell over me as I watched the sunrise from my room...then I realized my window faces west.

Well, Glyndir wanted some different food than what traveling life wanted. Abdar caved in and accepted.

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If people would take the time to understand and know someone, to appreciate this person, wouldn't we live in a better world?
But if we did, then how would we learn anything? A world without hurt is a world without lessons.